My Hard Drive Has Fallen to the Dark Side - But the Force is strong for Canadian Padawan accepted to Jedi Academy

Welcome to the rebellion.

Rebel commander Pincro Mator here (A fantastic Star Wars name if ever I heard one thanks to the handy Jedi name generator at blueharvest.net).

A surprise assault by devious, imperial forces (in the form of a sudden hard drive crash) have shut down this base's computer systems. A replacement system has been purchased from the Hutt and is being smuggled here under the noses of the empire. For the time being (about two weeks), we will be posting infrequently, if at all.

Thank you for your patience.

Before I do sign off though, a big congratulations goes out to 21 year-old Sheridan College Applied Arts and Animation student, Randolph Lizarda. Lizardo, herewith dubbed Dolvan Galia the Corellian by yet another Star Wars name generator, has just been accepted to this summer's Jedi Academy, George Lucas' prestigious and much-sought after internship at Lucasfilm Studios in San Francisco.

The Filipino Canadian Lizarda, er, Dolvan, was one of four applicants accepted out of 1, 500 applicants. With seven artistic brothers and sisters, Lizardo is used to competition. But after immigrating to Canada when he was 12, he found his own, unique direction.

"I was into it when I was little, then I got more into it in high school. In Grade 10, I took one of those career surveys to find out where you fit in. I fit into the animation industry," he said

The Toronto star shares details of the young padawan's journey here and here.

You can also check out his very impressive Sheridan portfolio here.

Animation is a challenging thing to do right. Making a character move is relatively easy. But it takes a real observation and judicious choices as to what subtle movements will convey emotions and desires and reatiosn to things around the character that bring an animationto life. Lizarda's portfolio has that in spades.

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Introducing... Boba Fett

Welcome to the rebellion. I went absolutely bonkers for this cartoon as a kid, when it aired as part of the infamous Star Wars Christmas Special. The first screen appearance of Boba Fett was easily the best part of the show.



The animated short was like nothing I'd ever seen. The designs are part ILM/part fairground caricature artist/70's underground comix and it was our first ever look at badass Boba Fett. Even though Boba never actually does anything in this, it was all about the tease. This dude had potential to rival Darth Vader in coolness.

From small screen...


...to tall screen.

For a young Canuck like me, the most amazing thing was that this short was by by an upstart Canadian company named Nelvana, now one of the largest animation companies in the world.

It somehow made the possibility of being connected to that Hollywood/Star Wars universe so far, far way seem less remote. They so impressed George Lucas this short became a precursor to is a precursor to their later Droids and Ewoks series.

At the time they were making animated shorts in their Small Star Cinema series and moved into really unique, and awesome animated specials like their early Christmas Two-Step, their breakthrough production was A Cosmic Christmas. (Don't believe me? View it here!).

And of course, the Halloween special, The Devil And Daniel Mouse...

Which inspired their ambitious feature debut, Rock And Rule!

After the Star Wars Christmas Special, Nelvana continued the galactic holiday themed specials with Intergalactic Thanksgiving, Romie-0 and Julie-8, Take Me Up To the Ball Game and the not so sci-fi Easter Fever (the very first animation voice credit for Maurice LaMarche: voice of "The Brain" from Pinky & The Brain!).

All fun, unique specials. But this really is about Boba Fett. He's a man of few words but we'll give him the last words today.

Bad... Ass.

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What's In Our Holiday Holo Stocking?

Welcome to the rebellion.

As the Empire negotiates a controversial bailout of the Commerce Guild and the very shady Intergalactic Banking clan, we all tighten our belts and settle in for a sombre holiday season.

I say, let go of that negativity, you gloomy Gus, and do what we’re all meant to do on the holidays; blindly cling to the hope that the better nature of all sentient beings will lead us into a new hope for the coming year. And what better way to do than to overload our sweet tooth with sweet as candy cane, holiday classics?

This week the universe celebrates Life Day and the sub-space Holo Channels have a raft of holiday treats to give us all warm fuzzies while our once peaceful galaxy falls to the unrelenting, dark might of the Imperial Alliance.

HOME BOX HOLO kicks it all off with a Life Day marathon of classics, starting with Dome Alone and Dome Alone II: Lost on Coruscant. I know, their definition of classic doesn’t seem to jibe with the rest of the universe’s idea of the term does it? Add Rebel Life Day Vacation and A Muppet Life Day Special to the list of wrongly labeled classics lined up for our amusement.

Actually, I’m all for the Muppets doing anything. I've spent hours at my favourite Muppet Fan Site, Muppetcentral.com, Heck, our beloved Jedi Master Yoda used to be a real muppet, back when he had a personality and an ability to make audiences care about him. He lost all that when he went under the digital knife for a CGI chin augmentation, tummy tuck, pixelsuction and spinal repair on his scoliosis hunchback. Sigh... I always loved the hunch. Or maybe it's the holidays making me wistful.

For those of you with little clones running around blasting up the dome, SITHOLODEON has a full day s of family-friendly fare including Frosty the Snow Wampa, Red-Five The Red-Nosed X-Wing and Santa Claus is Coming to Space. It’s all capped off by everybody’s favourite animated ode to the holidays, A Jedi Brown Christmas (Whatever Christmas is… Nudge nudge. Wink wink.).

On Life Day Eve, VADER CLASSICS runs the really good stuff. Miracle In Star Quadrant 34 has an early, seven o’clock start so the little wookiees can catch the whole movie and still be in bed in time for Santa Paws. At nine, it’s the universal favourite, It's A Wonderful Force. Then my personal fave, Darth Scrooge (Or A Life Day Carol, as we purists prefer to call it.) takes us through midnight.

So celebrate, kick back, crack open some of this Princess Leia approved blue nog and enjoy the holidays!

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Serial Disappointment

Welcome to the rebellion.

Geek Quote of the Week!

From The Big Bang Theory, Season Two, Episode 25. Sheldon isn't pleased to find Leonard watching the animated Clone Wars TV series.

" I want to watch the Clone Wars movie before I see the Clone Wars series. I prefer to be disappointed in the order George Lucas intended."

Booyah! In one, pithy line a generation of discontent is encapsulated!

Okay. End of rant.

Now it's time we all admit it.


It's all worth it.


All the lame acting, dull direction, wooden characters being moved like checkers across a board instead of growing and interacting is worth it for the magic those first movies have filled ourt lives with. And even his disappointing follow-up films have things for us to take away and cherish (and they're more precious for all the near misses those films contain.)

We have been able to play in his world for a generation. And today the next generation is even more excited about George's world than we may have been!

Sure, we whine and complain but we keep coming back. Why would we do that unless it's all worth it? I'd hate to live in a world where I didn't have star Wars growing up.

George must be doing something right.

Now if only he'd let me in on the script meetings. God, I know I could save him so many problems.

Oops, I'm back to ranting.

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 005 - Dennis The Phantom Menace

Welcome to the rebellion. I tend to do the Imperial News' Star Wars Sunday Comics in batches. That way I can immerse myself in a specific creator's approach and get a few comics written and drawn while I'm in the right head space. So for the next few Sundays we'll be seeing some familiar faces. Enjoy.

With thanks and apologies to Dennis The Menace creator, Hank Ketcham. For more Imperial News comics click here.

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That's No Moon!

Welcome to the rebellion. Darryl Gold, the peerless creator of Death Star Repairmen, the film and website that inspired all this Imperial News and Rebel Alert madness, is working on yet another edition of Darryl's Hard Liquor and Porn Film Festival.

While that horrified-yet-slightly-intrigued look crosses your face, I should tell you it's a comedy film festival with a theme of sex and porn. You won't find a lot of real porn there.. mainly because the real stuff is boring (Which is why I can only watch about 17 hours of real porn in one sitting).

So, in addition to working on a couple of shorts for his festival and consolidating the two-country lives of my wife and myself down to one country at last, I will am expecting some interruptions in your regular Rebel Alert feed for the next month.

But Darryl has come through again with a solution; several great Star Wars links. That means I'm going to let other people do my work for me while I double-back in my X-wing for a run at the Death Star's exhaust port trench... and deal with movers.

Today, we have a brilliant video from Mike Horn at Current.com, "Death Star Over San Francisco".

The real key to all this is the regular sound Mike kept with the footage. People talking about their mundane stuff or demonstrating heatedly over China's human rights records really completes the subtle "sell". It also confirms my long-held suspicion that China has indeed become a puppet nation under Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious.

A meeting was held aboard the lead Star Destroyer between Admiral Piett, Lord Darth Vader and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in which Mr. Schwarzenegger ripped off his shirt, drew his ancient sword and assured the invaders that "By Crom," he would "crush his enemies, see them driven before him and hear the lamentations of their women."

A sweep of Vader's lightsaber solved the "riddle" of the governor's steel. The Sith Lord then held out his fist as the governor wondered "what the hell he was". Upon his release from Vader's Force-powered grip, California's fearless leader, rubbed his swollen neck, assuring everyone it was "not a tumour".

The Imperial commanders dictated their terms for California's surrender but it ended in a stalemate. After beating up and stealing the clothes from an Imperial lackey, the governor donned sunglasses and countered Vader's Jedi Mind Tricks by analyzing, synthesizing and duplicating Piett's voice. As Schwarzenegger was escorted out, his computer eyes sized up the defenses of the Piett's Star Destroyer and he defiantly vowed over his shoulder that he would "be back."

Moments later the governor drove a Ford Bronco through the wall of Piett's office. Unfortunately, the spectacular stunt also damaged the Bronco's brakes, causing the bodybuilder turned action hero turned governor turned action hero to drive through the port window and plummet into the San Francisco Bay.

Reportedly, the Admiral's only response was, "Hasta la vista, bantha."

Eyewitnesses later spotted the governor walking calmly out of the water at nearby Baker Beach, a single eye glowing with a menacing red light red.

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 004 - Dengar The Horrible

Welcome to the rebellion.

Word has reached our deep-space listening posts that Lord Darth Vader has summoned mercenaries from across the galaxy to help him capture Han Solo, thereby luring Luke Skywalker into a deadly confrontation. Six of the fiercest bounty hunters were assembled: Dengar, 4-LOM, Zuckass, Bossk, IG-88, and the legendary Boba Fett.



But before the stalking and corralling of rebel scum begins. Here is the latest Sunday Comic from the Imperial News: Dengar the Horrible.

Oh, that Dengar.

With thanks and apologies to Hagar The Horrible creators, Dik and Chris Browne. For more Imperial News comics click here. For Chris Browne's Blog, click here.

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Intercept: Death Star TV Listings - Red Channel

Welcome to the rebellion. For your weekend viewing pleasure we have hacked into Imperial databases and retrieved this weekend's Pay-Per-Holo movie schedule. Enjoy.

RED CHANNEL: Home Box Holo

Friday

5:00pm Wag The Dianoga

7:00pm Pretty Wookie

8:30pm Team Empire: Space Police

10:00pm Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sithhood

Saturday

12:00am The Neverending Sequels

1:30am Rancor Dundee II

3:00am Pee Wee’s Big Empire

4:30am That Darn Sarlacc

6:00am Womprats In Paris

7:30am 101 Dianogas

9:00am My Cousin Dengar

10:30am Droid Story

12:00pm Imperial Pie III

1:30pm Peggy Sue Got Vaporized

3:30pm It’s A Wonderful Force

5:15pm Memoirs Of A Jedi

7:15pm Dennis The Phantom Menace

9:00pm Finding Wattoo

11:00pm Nightmare On Coruscant: Jek Porkin’s Revenge

Sunday

1:00am Dial “M” For Mynock

2:30am Bend It Like Boba

4:00am Lando And Hardy: Silent Holo Classics

4:45am Anakin Scorsese’s Age Of Imperialism

6:00am Fat Akbar

7:30am A Hard Day’s Flight

9:00am Meet The Sperm Donors

10:30pm Howard The Duck

12:00pm Spacey Movie III

1:30pm Good Wattoo Hunting

3:30pm Miracle In 34th Quadrant

5:00pm Imperial Psycho

6:30pm Naboo Hill

8:00pm The Incredible Hutt

10:00pm Star Trek: Try, Try Again

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 003 - Dennis The Phantom Menace

Welcome to the rebellion. The slave boy from the dome next door was in my Funnel Flower bushes again. I laid in wait with our hose to give him a good dunking but he squeezed the hose to keep it from splashing him until I foolishly looked in the end to see if something was blocking it. Then he let go and splash! I was one soaked Moisture Farmer.

Sigh. How does that brat keep getting away with his mischief?

Here's his latest misadventure from this week's Imperial News Sunday Comic: Dennis the Phantom Menace. Enjoy.

With thanks and apologies to Dennis The Menace creator, Hank Ketcham. For more Imperial News comics click here.

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Dex's Diner: A New Hope... For Brunch

Welcome to the rebellion.

It
is a
period
of culinary
inertia. Rebel
chefs, cooking at
a Coco Town restaurant,
have won their first victory
over oppressive Imperial food critics.

During an
Empire dinner
rush in which the
full hunger of Imperial
Forces was unleashed on the
brave rebels, Jedi souse chefs smuggled
in banned spices and use the Force (and wicked-sharp
lightsaber, ginsu knives) to create sumptuous recipes zesty
enough to satisfy an entire restaurant of hungry patrons bred with
identically voracious, appetities. Pursued by rival restaurants, Dex’s
Diner expands its menu and restore savory deliciousness and freedom
to desperate alien and human taste buds ACROSS THE GALAXY...

DEX'S DINER
A NEW HOPE FOR MMMMMM...!

Come on down to Dexter Jettster’s gourment grill in downtown Coco Town, Coruscant.
No one serves you faster than a four-armed grill master!

On weekends we have Fresh Seafood from Naboo and Kamino:

Colo Claw Fish Chowder
Oopee Sea Killer and Chips
Sando Aqua Monster Calamari

Daily Blue Plate Blue Milk Specials:

Krayt Dragon Ribs, Tauntaun Burgers
Pan-Fried Mynock with Ardee and Space Slug Pudding.

A delight for all species of taste buds!

Tuesday is Wing Ding Night!
Peko-Peko Wings by the dozen!

Hot Jawa Juice brewed fresh every day.

All specials come with a coupon for free frappé dessert in Mos Espa on
sunny Tatooine. They don’t call it a Dessert Planet for nothing!

Try their deep-fried Wampa Ice Creature Sandwich,
a slice of Ronto Pie or a Cinnamon Sarlacc Stick, seasoned
with only the finest ingredients from the Spice Mines of Kessel.

Then speed over to Mos Eisley Cantina for the soulful stylings of
Wilson Wickett and the Jundland Gap, performing such hits as
Massiff Sally and In The Midnight Parsec.

Dex’s Diner
Coco Town, Lower-Level 60, Coruscant

Your Home Away From Home Cooking!

"Food just like your DNA Resequencing,
Embryo-Monitoring, Mamma Droid used to inject!"


For franchise info please contact:
Chewbacca J. Wookie Enterprises
1381 Treetop Blvd., Kashwyk.

THIS WEEK ONLY!

TAKE THE IMPERIAL NEWS' CULINARY CORUSCANT CONTEST

Win a free evening out including dinner at one of Coruscant’s finest restaurants and a shuttle tour of Tatooine night-life. To Enter: Simply answer the following skill-testing question and sub-space it to The Imperial News inside a plucky R2 unit along with your bar code:

“What is the proper temperature for flash-frying barbecued Ewok?” *

*Find the answer in the latest issue of the Imperial News!

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John Williams: The Wind Beneath My Y-Wing

Welcome to the rebellion. In yet another post inspired by Spike TV's recent airing of all six Star Wars films for the summer, I have been thinking about the music of the original movie.


Let's take a moment to remember John Williams and his unforgettable score to the original Star Wars film, A New Hope. The incredible impact of the movie on the public consciousness owed much to his now-classic orchestration.

I was ten years-old the first time I heard the title "Star Wars". It was on my friend David Jackson's driveway. He and his family had just come from a film that had them very excited. He tried to explain the plot about two little robots lost in the desert and I grew more and more disinterested. It sounded like the lamest story I'd ever heard and yet he was getting more breathless as he described the climax. The dichotomy didn't add up.

I began to hear about Star Wars more and more and saw ads for it everywhere. Within a few weeks my oldest brother, also Dave, took me to see it at our local theatre. The line-up literally circled the building and continued around again! I had never seen a line so long. It seemed to confirm that I was about to see something truly special.

After two hours, we had reached the stairs leading down to the courtyard and I could finally see the ticket office! Being close enough to actually watch money being exchanged for tickets somehow confirmed that we would eventually be making that glorious exchange ourselves. We celebrated with Cokes and a small Pizza Delight pizza from next door... and moved a few feet closer.


By the time I was sitting in a crowded, darkened theatre next to Dave, we had waited through two full screenings to see a movie I knew very little about. Yet the very fact that we had to wait that long created a palpable anticipation in the audience. I was unaware my young world and imagination were about to be blown from 35 mm to wide-screen IMAX.

Was anyone in 1977 ready for the sudden surge of John William's opening fanfare? It exploded around us like a sonic boom, carrying us off in a swell of heroism to that galaxy far, far away that has stayed so very close to our hearts ever since.

We read the crawl telling us what had gone before (I'm glad we didn't know then what we know now. The mystery left us all wide open to be surprised and amazed) as the strings and horns swirled. Then the music turned menacing and the first, unforgettable shot changed the way we viewed science fiction film forever.

I can't begin to describe how very long it seemed to take for that Star Destroyer to pass by the camera as it pursued the fleeing rebel vessel. William's music is full of dread, as befits a vessel whose size and design is designed to spread awe and terror throughout the universe. The combination of his circling strings and horns with the overpowering throb of the engines and the laser fire created immediate tension. Our nerves were the real strings being played. The moment Star Destroyer finally passed, revealing it's colossal solar ionization reactor-powered engines, you could feel the audience let out a collective sigh. We'd all been holding our breath!

The recurring themes of John William's music buoyed the rest of the movie and the movies that followed. But that first few minutes will never be equaled.


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Star Wars Sunday Comic 001 - The Amazing Spider-Wookiee

Welcome to the rebellion. We have intercepted the debut of the Imperial News' latest Sunday comic, the Amazing Spider-Wookiee. Enjoy.


With thanks and apologies to Stan Lee, Steve Ditko and the current keepers of the Spider-Man comic strip flame, Larry Leiber, Alex Saviuk and Joe Sinnot. For more Imperial News comics click here.

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Star Wars Apartment Hunt

Welcome to the rebellion. After a desperate escape from a vindictive interrogation droid who loves his job way too much and a squad of overzealous stormtroopers, I have been on the hunt for a two-bedroom rebel base for my new wife and I. Hence the delayed updating this week as I met with various Hutt landlords.

The Empire has made finding living accomodations our own personal Star Wars but we refuse to give up. We just need a safe, secure place to hide in long enough to harness our New Hope and build a free life together. Preferably a base with an exercise room, remodeled bathroom and kitchen in a safe neighborhood with a good view of several moons. We don't own a landspeeder so grocery shopping nearby would be a plus. And of course, a cloaking shield to keep prying Imperial eyes away.

My personal princess has been across the Outer Rim for years and is finally leaving that embattled Star Warszone. She'll be boarding a shuttle and traveling beyond the 49th parallel to meet me so we can at last create our own rebel band of two.

I’ve been checking back channels for rental accommodations. There’s not much out there. But I did find this in the Imperial News classified ads…

FOR RENT:

Endor: Decommissioned Space Station Husk. It’s the size of a small moon so still suitable for single-family dwelling. Definitely a fixer upper since rebels blew it up but Deflector Shield could be reactivated with old-fashioned elbow grease. Some red-tape will be involved to get the Empire to approve release of the plans for remodeling.

I also noticed these two have been on the market for a while. They were in the last Imperial News edition. Maybe I can get a break on the price!

Tatooine: Renovated hermit's cave. Exceptionally clean. Completely furnished. Heart-warming old-man smell. $1890/month.

Hoth Asteroid Field: Roomy giant space-slug, suitable for family or home-business. Must be tasty morsels. References will be checked. Week to week acceptable until digestion is complete. $820/month.

And for those who are interested, here are more highlights from the Empire’s number one classified section (Even better than Salacious Crumb’s Crumbslist.com and RedThreEBay.com). This smuggled information is as reliable as it comes.

FOR SALE:

Fleet of All Terrain Armored Transport Walkers (AT-AT’s). Standing fifteen metres tall, these babies are truly intimidating. Avoid cold or warm environments. Fully serviced and impervious to anything… except lumber.nc.

Chim chim cheero! Charming cockney chimney sweep for hire. Experience a quaint, outdated tradition. Clap along to spontaneous dance numbers with animated characters. I do blast furnaces.

(*I couldn't resist. Partly because Dick Van Dyke's lovable cartoon of a cockney from Mary Poppins would really liven up the Star Wars universe sweeping out the Death Star's exhaust ports as he moonwalks and sings Step In Time. But mostly because of this!)


OPPORTUNITIES:

Giant Used Deflector Shield Generator. Currently on Endor. Cheap. You pay only for shipping. Powerful enough to shield a planet-sized space station. Surprisingly good shape despite rebel assault. Some blaster burns and Ewok droppings.


PERSONALS:

Are you an uppity droid who wants to rediscover the feel of a tightening restraining bolt? Do you want to feel the sting of my electromagnetic feedback? Madame Mark IV Sentry Droid is here to probe all your submissive desires. Catering to technological whipping-droids who crave a taste of electro-lash and bubbling oil baths.


Help me, Obi Wan. You’re my only hope. - Box 402, Yavin


SIGHTINGS:

Me: Lonely, loyal Captain laying down cover fire as you sought the throne room.
You: Strong-willed monarch. Though you’ve stepped down from your throne you remain Queen of my heart. Blue milk?


Me: Heart-broken and betrayed old-time fan feels left out of decision not to release original, unaltered version of first movie again. New Hope springs eternal.
You: Overlord of effects, film and merchandising Empire. Despite frustration I’d give left arm for tour of your ranch. Blue milk?

For more Star Wares Classified Ads, click the banner below,


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Darth Vader Is Not Clever, Pt. 1

Welcome to the rebellion. Once again, we can blame Spike TV's endless Star Wars summer for my new insights into formerly unnoticed, dusty corners of the Star Wars universe. It's been a while since I've immersed myself so consistently in Lucas' on-screen universe.

I'm afraid I've come to the conclusion that Darth Vader is not a creative thinker.

It's too bad too. We all had high hopes for the Emperor's protege. Darth's awe-inspiring first appearance in Star Wars introduced us to the ultimate control freak. The Vader of A New Hope feels like a malevolent force of darkness with absolute power over his troops; always one step ahead of his fearful followers. If only those pesky rebels were so easy to out-think.

Darth Vader's exchange with Admiral Motti, in which he warns the overconfident leader against the dangers of Death Star envy, reveals this dichotomy. It also clearly shows two individuals with more insight into each other than their own situations.

VADER: "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force."

Boo-Ya! Vader disses his number one back talker.

MOTTI: "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort..."

Ouch! Mottie scores. In your face Vader -- Gurk! Choke! Motti tries to continue but is strangled under Vader's mystical grip.

VADER: "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Whoa! Darth shows he's executive material by cutting through the niceties and literally going for the throat. Chalk one up for the schoolyard bully in the black cape.

Vader's main problem in the first film (The first film? The fourth? Shall we split the difference with a representative integer? Math is hard.) seems to be a lack of worthy candidates to delegate his myriad duties to. Find those rebels... Keep track of the secret plans... Lead the fighter squadron... Interrogate a Princess. Darth my man, you are one busy cyborg. Don't feel bad that nothing gets done unless you do it yourself. That's a lot of jobs for even for the most organized of middle managers. And I'll bet none of those duties were in the job description when you got hired by Emperor Palpatine.


If only you hadn't slaughtered all those highly competent Jedi Knights. Perhaps you could have enslaved a few and kept them around. They could have at least cleared up your paperwork so you could let off some steam as lead pilot to your Tie Fighter squadrons without letting so many other things slide.

In the end, Darth Vader tries to do it all himself as the rebels attack. And like so many stressed out, multi-tasking martyrs, he ends up burned out and suffering a (mechanical) breakdown.

After one film, we assume Vader is brilliant. After all, even the smartest people take on too much. We accept that he's the Empire's number one badass. Vader was tough enough that when Grand Mof Tarken mentioned the Emperor, I first assumed he was a puppet ruler. It's not until the much anticipated sequel, the Empire Strikes Back, that we discover the Emperor is the one pulling Vader's strings.

And what does the mysterious Emperor want? An escalation of violence. The same, unoriginal weapons used by petty dictators across the universe. To be fair, this is the only time the Emperor fails to rely on the guile that carried him to his powerful position. When it fails to get him what he wants he will return to his more effective, devious ways.


Vader excels at fulfilling his master's straightforward plan for dealing with the growing rebel threat. He is a man of action, after all. We will see over the course of the movies that follow how prone to action without forethought the Sith Lord is.

Everything goes well when Darth Vader plays to his strengths. The rebels are routed on Hoth and their base is overrun. Flush from his victory, the Sith Lord shows his first hint of adaptability in his search to capture the heroes of the rebellion, Han Solo, Leia Organa and his own son, Luke Skywalker. (We won't even get into how counter-productive it was to "hide" the baby Luke from Vader yet still give him Vader's family name. Not the most effective witness relocation program.)

Once again Vader delegates his search to others. But though he is failed by his own military industrial complex, Darth takes the extra step of hiring outside contractors: bounty hunters. Then Vader actually does some research and discovers Han and Lando Calrissian's on-again, off-again friendship. He makes ne'er-do-well Lando an offer he can't refuse and traps his rebels at last.

Filled with new-found managerial confidence, Vader proves that a good negotiator is also a man of his word, encasing Han Solo in carbonite, just as he threatened he would.

Serious B-A-D-A-S-S.

Perhaps it's true that working out stimulates the brain. Vader's just spent time in the bracing cold of an ice-planet kicking rebel butt... his version of a ski vacation. (He may have also added a vigorous work-out fighting off a Wampa attack on his snowtroopers into the mix. A deleted Hoth scene showed an unusually clever move by C3PO. He removes a warning label from their cell in a cut scene.)


Sadly, The Empire Strikes Back is the last time we see anything close to creative problem solving from Darth Vader. Thanks to retired blog Infinite Galaxy Of Fun and Blueharvest.net for the Wampa attaack info.

Next: Those who do not learn from the mistakes of the first film, are doomed to repeat them... in sequel after sequel.

END TRANSMISSION

Intercept: Death Star TV Listings - Blue Channel

Welcome to the rebellion. A plucky, laser-burned droid has supplied us with inside information on the Empire's cable, holo-movie schedule for this weekend. Enjoy.

BLUE CHANNEL
Your Propaganda and
Indoctrination Destination

Friday

5:00pm Lethal Wattoo

6:30pm Space Slickers II

8:00pm Lost In Translation Protocol & Droid’s Data Matrix

9:30pm Sex, Lies And Holograms

11:00pm Under The Tusken Sun

Saturday

12:30am Imperial Graffiti

2:00am Fear And Loathing in Mos Eisley

3:30am The Fleet And The Furious

5:00am Natural Born Sith Lords

7:00am Gone With The Windu

9:40pm Even Corellians Get The Blues

11:00am A Few Good Clones

12:30pm The Exorsith

2:00pm The Hunt For Red Leader

4:00pm Free Watto

5:45pm Beyond The Rim

7:15pm Skiffspotting

9:00pm Kill Boba Vol. 1

11:00pm The Alderaan Job

Sunday

12:30am Starship Stormtroopers

2:30am A History Of Rebellion

4:00am Children Of a Lesser Force

5:30am Being Han Solo

7:00am Jedi Jane

8:30am The Asteroid Of Dr. Moreau

10:00am Rebel Smackdown!:
Live From the former Alderaan System!

12:00pm Pirates Of Kamino

1:30pm The Mask Of Zuckuss

3:00pm An Officer And A Geonosian

4:30pm Stormtrooper And The Bandit

6:00pm Star Trek: Recycled

7:30pm The Last Temptation Of Anakin

9:00pm The Usual Rebels

10:30pm Reservoir Droids

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Harsh Universe

Welcome to the rebellion. With Spike TV in the US becoming the 24 hour Star Wars channel lately, I've had the extended opportunity to have the revised, revamped and recycled trilogy prequel and the original three movies playing as I sat with my mucho delayed tax calculations.

With the dialogue failing to hold my attention and the actors so awestruck by being in a Star Wars movie they fail to bring personality to their roles (too much reverence and not enough irreverence), I had a chance to pay closer attention to the background scenery and design. Man, the designers really are the big stars on display.

One smart thing George Lucas did from the very start was to treat most of the technology like it's always existed. A movie set in L.A. wouldn't spend any time setting up what a phone is or how it works, they'd just use the dang thing and anyone who had never seen a phone would figure it out. "Oh, that thingie allows these two people to communicate."

But the more I watch the films the more I realize how technology doesn't make the lives of the people in his universe any better. It seems to take all the technology they can muster to hold a their savage natural world at bay.

The icy cold of Hoth is barely survivable. In fact, technology fails Luke completely in The Empire Strikes Back. Han must use his wits and survival skills to create a warm sleeping bag out of a fallen tauntaun.

Degobah plays havoc with Luke's X-Wing, the wild waters of Kamino are a deadly danger Obi-Wan must avoid at all costs, the burning volcanic sands of Mustafar claimed Anakin Skywalker's humanity (with the help of a little light saber chop chop, courtesy of his mentor, Obi Wan). And the seat of the Old Republic's Galactic Senate, Corsucant has conquered and obliterated any hint of nature and become an endless, crowded urban jungle.

But is life there better because of it? It doesn't seem so. Flying cars fill the skies, sin dens line the streets. It is as inhospitable as Geonosis has become, with its craggy craters and the run from it's droid factory. Perhaps only the serene and cheery Dexter Jexter of Coco Town's Dex's Diner finds this city planet preferable when compared to the inhospitable environments he has seen.

The only planets where there is any kind of harmony with the natural world are those whose technology hasn't encroached. Planets where the natural is respected and treated with reverence (now that's the place for reveerence). The Wookies and Ewoks live in harmony with their world as do the inhabitants of Naboo. Not coincidentally, the beings of these worlds seem to be the most peaceful and balanced creatures we see in the trilogies.

Are the designers sending a not so subtle message about rampant technology? Unfettered, technology provides few answers and often creates more problems; pollution, waste and destruction of natural environments being only the most obvious ones. Is this a quiet plea for a more measured and peaceful use of science? Perhaps.

More likely such decisions stemmed from creating as dramatic a backdrop to the main action as possible. Seeing hints of the natural and scientific worlds wrestling for domination adds to the compelling, human drama in the foreground. And when the human drama is played out with wooden dialogue, awkward, inconsistent character arcs and perfunctory direction, I'll take my drama anywhere I can find it.

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Intercept: Star Wars Soap Sudz

Welcome to the rebellion. We have intercepted advance notice of this week's space opera plot lines.

(*Spoiler Alert!)

ALL MY TROOPERS – Trooper 551 covers up Trooper 613’s murderous rampage but his laser burns are too accurate to have been left by a Tusken Raider. Sy Snootle’s severed hand forces him to leave the Cantina Band for good.

AS THE DEATH STAR TURNS – Sasha is shocked to learn armaments droid Z48 plans to use the Super-Laser to blast out a new lake for Lance’s Naboo resort.

THE BOLD AND THE BOUNTY HUNTERS – Commander Tagge fumes over Azul’s “friendly” visit to pleasure droid T-Ashley3000. Jamal finds a holo-clipping which reveals the real story of Biggs ‘miraculous’ survival skills.

CORELLIAN STREET – The force is strong with Tiffany but when Bale refuses to fall for her Jedi mind tricks, she uses her metal bikini to tempt him toward the dark side.

GENERAL HOSPITAL FRIGATE – Leia learns Luke’s new hand has no fingerprints. Scorpio finds himself in over his head in the trash compactor. Lando’s new love song lands him in hot water with Vader.

GUIDING FORCE – Ridge stuns Brooke with his plan to oust Vader and turn Kaminoan’s Secret into Empire Lingerie, but has Lando heard too much?

ONE LIFE TO CLONE – Miranda’s water breaks while she’s trapped in Jabba’s pit. Bib contemplates what to do with Oola’s incriminating holo-disc.

PARSECS OF OUR LIVES – A mysterious figure skulks around Bo and Yoda’s semi-detached hut. Evil developer Stefan plots to terraform Degobah.

PORT COMET – Chewie confesses his love for Shmi. Blake is gunned down in Wattoo’s shop and replaced in the pod race by his evil clone.

THE YOUNG AND REBELLIOUS – Ami Dala begs Ken Orbie not to tell anyone she’s pregnant. On a romantic Bespin weekend, 3PO and R2 consummate their relationship in a heart-shaped oil bath.

ENTOUR-BARRAGE - When manager Evar Orbus is killed, Max Rebo must take the reins to keep the band together. Droopy McCool is determined to make a killing selling Oola's secret Jabba sex tape but no one in the universe wants to see that.

UGLY BINKS - Jar Jar loses the layouts of Vader's latest fashion spread and must create a new holo-shoot from scratch. Hmmm, meesa know a very hot former Queen who might show off the leather bustier she wear to impress Jedi she babysit.

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