Space Chick Flicks - Warming up those Chilly Hoth Nights

Welcome to the rebellion.

Our rebel entertainment spies have the straight scoop on upcoming Holo Transmissions from the Imperial Networks.

It gets pretty cold out in space. Makes a Hutt want to curl up with his favourite, dancing, slave girl by a roaring, nuclear furnace and chillax a while. If you want to get your fetching, fettered thrall into the mood why not skip the will-dominating cocktails and Jedi mind tricks for the month and take advantage of Chick Flick Month, currently running on Oprah the Hutt's female-skewing Oxygenesis Holo Channnel?

Host Darth Vader welcomes his special prisoner... er, guest, Princess Leia Organa, whose extended interrogation reveals not only where she sent the plans to the Empire's new Death Star weapon, but also her personal, top choices for favourite cinema classics.

Every week night, the battling Skywalkers will be airing a beloved tear-jerker, a warm-hearted, laugh-because-it's true comedy, or a female-empowering, ball-busting personal manifesto with plucky female protagonists to help pass the stark, hopeless hours spent isolated in Cell 2187, Detention Block AA-23.

Last night they kicked things off with the ten-hankie Terms of Enslavement. The rest of the week serves up Sith Magnolias, Brief Close Encounter, The Devil Wears Blast Armor and Runaway Jedi.

Who could hate Monday's when next week's line-up kicks off with Breakfast at Tarkin's, Dune Sea Beaches, Under The Tatooine Sun, Bridgit Jones' Hologram, and a Friday double feature of All About Evil and Little Wookiees?

The following week brings us A Pod With a View, Educating Leia, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sithhood, Looking For Mr. Goodjedi and a special screening of the juggernaut, three-hour Gone With The Plans on Sunday evening.

Oxygenesis brings the month to a close with a final week of The Way We War, Fried Green Tauntaun, My Big, Fat Hutt Wedding, Four Sequels and a Funeral Pyre and finally, You've Got Sub-Space Chatter.

Whew!

That's a lot of chick flick points you'll have accrued next time you're picking movies at the Cineplex. But don't watch too many with her or she'll think you actually dig movies where nothing explodes and nobody gets blasted.

END TRANSMISSION

Star Wars Sunday Comic 004 - Dengar The Horrible

Welcome to the rebellion.

Word has reached our deep-space listening posts that Lord Darth Vader has summoned mercenaries from across the galaxy to help him capture Han Solo, thereby luring Luke Skywalker into a deadly confrontation. Six of the fiercest bounty hunters were assembled: Dengar, 4-LOM, Zuckass, Bossk, IG-88, and the legendary Boba Fett.



But before the stalking and corralling of rebel scum begins. Here is the latest Sunday Comic from the Imperial News: Dengar the Horrible.

Oh, that Dengar.

With thanks and apologies to Hagar The Horrible creators, Dik and Chris Browne. For more Imperial News comics click here. For Chris Browne's Blog, click here.

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Intercept: Death Star TV Listings - Red Channel

Welcome to the rebellion. For your weekend viewing pleasure we have hacked into Imperial databases and retrieved this weekend's Pay-Per-Holo movie schedule. Enjoy.

RED CHANNEL: Home Box Holo

Friday

5:00pm Wag The Dianoga

7:00pm Pretty Wookie

8:30pm Team Empire: Space Police

10:00pm Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sithhood

Saturday

12:00am The Neverending Sequels

1:30am Rancor Dundee II

3:00am Pee Wee’s Big Empire

4:30am That Darn Sarlacc

6:00am Womprats In Paris

7:30am 101 Dianogas

9:00am My Cousin Dengar

10:30am Droid Story

12:00pm Imperial Pie III

1:30pm Peggy Sue Got Vaporized

3:30pm It’s A Wonderful Force

5:15pm Memoirs Of A Jedi

7:15pm Dennis The Phantom Menace

9:00pm Finding Wattoo

11:00pm Nightmare On Coruscant: Jek Porkin’s Revenge

Sunday

1:00am Dial “M” For Mynock

2:30am Bend It Like Boba

4:00am Lando And Hardy: Silent Holo Classics

4:45am Anakin Scorsese’s Age Of Imperialism

6:00am Fat Akbar

7:30am A Hard Day’s Flight

9:00am Meet The Sperm Donors

10:30pm Howard The Duck

12:00pm Spacey Movie III

1:30pm Good Wattoo Hunting

3:30pm Miracle In 34th Quadrant

5:00pm Imperial Psycho

6:30pm Naboo Hill

8:00pm The Incredible Hutt

10:00pm Star Trek: Try, Try Again

END TRANSMISSION

Today's Star Wars Lotto Number

Welcome to the rebellion. We've officially reached Hothgust, our second month of transmitting this rebel signal. There is little evidence our voice is being heard but we trust in the Force to get the word out.

Since we struggle to finance the resistance any way we can, we've pooled our resources to buy up Imperial Lottery tickets.

Today's Imperial Lotto Number is: 01011001001100111000111011001001010010101010100010101000101010100101001110100
01010101000100010000111000100010000100010101000010101010001011100100101001
10110001101110111100010001001010101000100011100010010100101011010001110011000
11000110001000100110011100010101010100101001001100011000111011101101000110010

Drok! So close.

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 003 - Dennis The Phantom Menace

Welcome to the rebellion. The slave boy from the dome next door was in my Funnel Flower bushes again. I laid in wait with our hose to give him a good dunking but he squeezed the hose to keep it from splashing him until I foolishly looked in the end to see if something was blocking it. Then he let go and splash! I was one soaked Moisture Farmer.

Sigh. How does that brat keep getting away with his mischief?

Here's his latest misadventure from this week's Imperial News Sunday Comic: Dennis the Phantom Menace. Enjoy.

With thanks and apologies to Dennis The Menace creator, Hank Ketcham. For more Imperial News comics click here.

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A Real Boba Fete...

Welcome to the rebellion. Caught an article in last weekend's National Post on a Star Wars, Mandalorian-themed wedding ceremony held outside the this year's San Diego Comic Con.

So often people view fan-themed events with this image of overgrown children with no social skills refusing to be responsible adults and dressing up in crazy costumes. People like to dismiss the fannish enthusiasm as worthless or misguided. But there's a lot happening under all that colourful gear.

The truth is there are few more social events than a cosplay (costume play) or a costume club event . They're the ultimate mixer. It's easy to identify who digs what you dig and you have automatic conversation starters like, "How'd you get the metallic fins to curve at the right angles to really sell the rocket pack?", "Do you believe in adapting an actual assault rifle model, carving it from a single piece of wood, or detailing over a resin cast?", and even "What the heck are you?"

We all love to talk about our favourite shows or books but sci-fi fans take it further, forming friendships around these things that can last a lifetime. And they are engaged in the world in a unique way. Sci-Fi fans love to talk about the transformative power of ideas and are probably the most positive, can-do people you'll ever meet.

Heck, Cosplayers and Costume Club spent months, weeks and hours hand-weaving the fur into their Chewbacca outfit. You think starting a recycling depot in their neighbourhood is beyond them? They're self-starters and always look on the bright side, eager to change the world into the futuristic utopia they see played out in the shows and novels they love.

I admit, I almost dismissed Tenille and Thomas Kuhlman's Mandalorian (Boba Fett's people) wedding myself. But as I read through the article, and later looked at footage and pictures here, I realized this matrimonial union had much in common with my own wedding last November.

My new bride and I have had quite a roller-coaster year. After much patience on her part and many stalling excuses on my part, I asked my bride to marry me in a convulsion of nervous stuttering. Why was I nervous when I already knew her answer (which she helpfully provided me with years before)? Perhaps it's all about Tom Hanks and Ron Howard Apollo 13 rule; just because you know how it ends doesn't mean it isn't a wild ride.

My bride-to-be lived across the Rim, 500 miles and a country away as the shuttle flies. Due to health concerns we were suddenly forced to deal with, I became our de facto wedding planner. As she kept working and dealt with the medical droids (and some of them may as well have been droids considering their inhuman bedside manner), I flew back and forth to help her, worked and made wedding arrangements.

Our wedding was extremely small and we avoided any company or service that was part of the wedding industry. We booked a beautiful restaurant/pool hall/corporate event place that could do the wedding and the dinner, made our own music files and hooked up our computer to the sound system. We also conscripted friends and family to help decorate and found an old friend who used to own a flower store to help out with the floral arrangements and the bouquet.

The rings were antique found on-line, thereby avoiding blood diamonds and questions regarding the ethics of the Canadian diamond industry. Even the dress was found on-line and fit my love perfectly. And Jill (my new wife) even wrote a song about planning the wedding while going through Chemo. It's called Chemo Bride (below). So the entertainment was unparalleled. And the cake? A huge ice cream cake from Baskin-Robbins. and we defy to find a tastier wedding cake anywhere!

Become a guest at my wedding and enjoy my wife's brilliant song, "Chemo Bride"!

I remember how proud we felt after it was all over. We had created a perfect, intimate wedding on a reasonable budget that was full of personality, beauty and joy. Since we paid as we went we also wouldn't be paying off debt on it for years to come! That DIY (Do It Yourself) spirit is exactly the kind of joyful. "let's get it done and celebrate life" kind of feeling I saw at this Star Wars wedding.

Tenille and Thomas were actually married months before but for both of them , this was the true celebration they wanted. It was something unique to them. Something that included their guests in the spirit of creation and experiencing something unique.

And that is what you're really seeing when you see pictures of fans in their costumes at events like these. People who are celebrating possibility. People who are getting that rare opportunity to let that optimistic spirit inside them out. They're letting the world see that we don't have to settle for the mundane every day. We can believe in the power of imagination inspire us to greater heights.

Isn't that worth looking a little goofy for?

END TRANSMISSION

Dex's Diner: A New Hope... For Brunch

Welcome to the rebellion.

It
is a
period
of culinary
inertia. Rebel
chefs, cooking at
a Coco Town restaurant,
have won their first victory
over oppressive Imperial food critics.

During an
Empire dinner
rush in which the
full hunger of Imperial
Forces was unleashed on the
brave rebels, Jedi souse chefs smuggled
in banned spices and use the Force (and wicked-sharp
lightsaber, ginsu knives) to create sumptuous recipes zesty
enough to satisfy an entire restaurant of hungry patrons bred with
identically voracious, appetities. Pursued by rival restaurants, Dex’s
Diner expands its menu and restore savory deliciousness and freedom
to desperate alien and human taste buds ACROSS THE GALAXY...

DEX'S DINER
A NEW HOPE FOR MMMMMM...!

Come on down to Dexter Jettster’s gourment grill in downtown Coco Town, Coruscant.
No one serves you faster than a four-armed grill master!

On weekends we have Fresh Seafood from Naboo and Kamino:

Colo Claw Fish Chowder
Oopee Sea Killer and Chips
Sando Aqua Monster Calamari

Daily Blue Plate Blue Milk Specials:

Krayt Dragon Ribs, Tauntaun Burgers
Pan-Fried Mynock with Ardee and Space Slug Pudding.

A delight for all species of taste buds!

Tuesday is Wing Ding Night!
Peko-Peko Wings by the dozen!

Hot Jawa Juice brewed fresh every day.

All specials come with a coupon for free frappé dessert in Mos Espa on
sunny Tatooine. They don’t call it a Dessert Planet for nothing!

Try their deep-fried Wampa Ice Creature Sandwich,
a slice of Ronto Pie or a Cinnamon Sarlacc Stick, seasoned
with only the finest ingredients from the Spice Mines of Kessel.

Then speed over to Mos Eisley Cantina for the soulful stylings of
Wilson Wickett and the Jundland Gap, performing such hits as
Massiff Sally and In The Midnight Parsec.

Dex’s Diner
Coco Town, Lower-Level 60, Coruscant

Your Home Away From Home Cooking!

"Food just like your DNA Resequencing,
Embryo-Monitoring, Mamma Droid used to inject!"


For franchise info please contact:
Chewbacca J. Wookie Enterprises
1381 Treetop Blvd., Kashwyk.

THIS WEEK ONLY!

TAKE THE IMPERIAL NEWS' CULINARY CORUSCANT CONTEST

Win a free evening out including dinner at one of Coruscant’s finest restaurants and a shuttle tour of Tatooine night-life. To Enter: Simply answer the following skill-testing question and sub-space it to The Imperial News inside a plucky R2 unit along with your bar code:

“What is the proper temperature for flash-frying barbecued Ewok?” *

*Find the answer in the latest issue of the Imperial News!

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 002 - Fett Trot

Welcome to the rebellion. We have intercepted this week's Imperial News' Sunday Comic; Fett Trot. Enjoy.

With thanks and apologies to Foxtrot creator, Bill Amend. For more Imperial News comics click here.

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Become A Sith Lord

Welcome to the rebellion. And now a word from our rebel sponsor...

"THE POWER WITHOUT"

EMPEROR TONY PALPATINE’S
7-STEPS TO PERSONAL,
ALL CONSUMING POWER!

Now there is "A New Hope" for all those who thought the Force had passed them by. Experience THE POWER WITHOUT; a powerful, 7-day program, in which best-selling intergalactic author and dictator, Emperor Tony Palpatine provides you with the cutting edge tools for not merely changing, but revolutionizing every area of your life… forever!

This is your exclusive opportunity to master the lives of yourself and those around you by using the same disturbing, underhanded transformational tools used by the Emperor himself. We guarantee the results will strike like bolts of electricity.

BOOST YOUR MIDI-CHLORIAN COUNT BY STEALING THEM FROM OTHERS.

The former Darth Sidious has distilled profound knowledge from the finest evil mentors in the universe (by squeezing out their brain juices and studying it with very, um, technical equipment before drinking it down in a revitalizing shake). And now he’s ready to share them with you!

His findings will be presented via live, facilitated holo-video with Imperial facilitators available to compel all in attendance to get the Emperor’s message.

(*For the story accompanying this Chris Jackson/Getty Image
go to www.abc.net )

YOU WILL LEARN HOW TO:

· Maximize your energy and restore your body to a state of pristine health and vitality by having your wasted flesh hooked into an armour-covered homunculus.

· Develop deep and lasting relationships that provide profound fulfillment, then destroy them without a moment’s hesitation.

· Train your mind and body so your most powerful emotions – anger, rage, certainty, faith and passion - are as automatic as your breathing apparatus.

-Merchandize your image no matter how small a part you play in the Empire's (and the movie's) Plots.


(*Check out www.vintage-star-wars-toys.com
for moreawesome action figure facts and fun)

· Capitalize on opportunities for achieving financial freedom by controlling vast areas of the galaxy with an iron hand in an leather glove.

· Discover a meaningful and inspirational life purpose, like ending the lives of everyone else. Now there’s a goal worthy of a Sith Lord.

LOSE WEIGHT. QUIT SMOKING. SWEAR OFF BLUE MILK FOREVER!

Unleashing the POWER WITHOUT is about creating breakthroughs, moving beyond fear into terror and corrupting your beliefs. We offer the power to accomplish goals and realize truly evil desire. By turning dreams and nightmares into reality, and modeling the strategies of peak performers to produce a quantum difference in your life, you too can lay waste to worlds.

THE POWER WITHOUT: PERSONAL, ALL-CONSUMING POWER includes nine 8-track DARK SIDE tapes or 10 holo-vids, a DARK SIDE introductory brochure, a Personal Journal with a glossy photo of the Emperor autographed by one of Palpatine’s personal sycophants, an online profile for Imperial approved dating options and a discount certificate offering 100 credits toward the purchase of any multi-day Emperor Palpatine live indoctrination seminar or any ongoing Personal or Professional Coaching Program.

IMMERSE YOURSELF IN THE LIFE OF YOUR DREAMS . . . OR NIGHTMARES!

"Thanks to what I learned at Personal, All-Consuming Power, everything in my life has changed. I now have a girlfriend wonderful enough to hide the very existence of my children from me. My wreck of a body has renewed vitality thanks to the life-giving chemicals and electrical shocks provided by my coffin-like, bio-armor; and I've increased my
personal income by like, 23%!"
-Lord Vader

"At Personal, All-Consuming Power I made a complete turnaround in my goals, my style, and my thinking. I came with the support of my family and after turning them in to the Empire for seditious thoughts, my life will never be the same. . . The Emperor and his Dark Side have been an incredible Force in my life."

- The "Grandest Moff Of All", Governor Tarken, Real Estate broker

Now is the time of your greatest triumph...

PERSONAL, ALL-CONSUMING POWER
IS WITHIN YOUR GRASP!*

ORDER "THE POWER WITHOUT" TODAY

EMPEROR TONY PALPATINE’S
7-STEPS TO PERSONAL,
ALL CONSUMING POWER!

*Sponsored by "Pay It Backward With Palpatine Ltd."

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 001 - The Amazing Spider-Wookiee

Welcome to the rebellion. We have intercepted the debut of the Imperial News' latest Sunday comic, the Amazing Spider-Wookiee. Enjoy.


With thanks and apologies to Stan Lee, Steve Ditko and the current keepers of the Spider-Man comic strip flame, Larry Leiber, Alex Saviuk and Joe Sinnot. For more Imperial News comics click here.

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Star Wars Apartment Hunt

Welcome to the rebellion. After a desperate escape from a vindictive interrogation droid who loves his job way too much and a squad of overzealous stormtroopers, I have been on the hunt for a two-bedroom rebel base for my new wife and I. Hence the delayed updating this week as I met with various Hutt landlords.

The Empire has made finding living accomodations our own personal Star Wars but we refuse to give up. We just need a safe, secure place to hide in long enough to harness our New Hope and build a free life together. Preferably a base with an exercise room, remodeled bathroom and kitchen in a safe neighborhood with a good view of several moons. We don't own a landspeeder so grocery shopping nearby would be a plus. And of course, a cloaking shield to keep prying Imperial eyes away.

My personal princess has been across the Outer Rim for years and is finally leaving that embattled Star Warszone. She'll be boarding a shuttle and traveling beyond the 49th parallel to meet me so we can at last create our own rebel band of two.

I’ve been checking back channels for rental accommodations. There’s not much out there. But I did find this in the Imperial News classified ads…

FOR RENT:

Endor: Decommissioned Space Station Husk. It’s the size of a small moon so still suitable for single-family dwelling. Definitely a fixer upper since rebels blew it up but Deflector Shield could be reactivated with old-fashioned elbow grease. Some red-tape will be involved to get the Empire to approve release of the plans for remodeling.

I also noticed these two have been on the market for a while. They were in the last Imperial News edition. Maybe I can get a break on the price!

Tatooine: Renovated hermit's cave. Exceptionally clean. Completely furnished. Heart-warming old-man smell. $1890/month.

Hoth Asteroid Field: Roomy giant space-slug, suitable for family or home-business. Must be tasty morsels. References will be checked. Week to week acceptable until digestion is complete. $820/month.

And for those who are interested, here are more highlights from the Empire’s number one classified section (Even better than Salacious Crumb’s Crumbslist.com and RedThreEBay.com). This smuggled information is as reliable as it comes.

FOR SALE:

Fleet of All Terrain Armored Transport Walkers (AT-AT’s). Standing fifteen metres tall, these babies are truly intimidating. Avoid cold or warm environments. Fully serviced and impervious to anything… except lumber.nc.

Chim chim cheero! Charming cockney chimney sweep for hire. Experience a quaint, outdated tradition. Clap along to spontaneous dance numbers with animated characters. I do blast furnaces.

(*I couldn't resist. Partly because Dick Van Dyke's lovable cartoon of a cockney from Mary Poppins would really liven up the Star Wars universe sweeping out the Death Star's exhaust ports as he moonwalks and sings Step In Time. But mostly because of this!)


OPPORTUNITIES:

Giant Used Deflector Shield Generator. Currently on Endor. Cheap. You pay only for shipping. Powerful enough to shield a planet-sized space station. Surprisingly good shape despite rebel assault. Some blaster burns and Ewok droppings.


PERSONALS:

Are you an uppity droid who wants to rediscover the feel of a tightening restraining bolt? Do you want to feel the sting of my electromagnetic feedback? Madame Mark IV Sentry Droid is here to probe all your submissive desires. Catering to technological whipping-droids who crave a taste of electro-lash and bubbling oil baths.


Help me, Obi Wan. You’re my only hope. - Box 402, Yavin


SIGHTINGS:

Me: Lonely, loyal Captain laying down cover fire as you sought the throne room.
You: Strong-willed monarch. Though you’ve stepped down from your throne you remain Queen of my heart. Blue milk?


Me: Heart-broken and betrayed old-time fan feels left out of decision not to release original, unaltered version of first movie again. New Hope springs eternal.
You: Overlord of effects, film and merchandising Empire. Despite frustration I’d give left arm for tour of your ranch. Blue milk?

For more Star Wares Classified Ads, click the banner below,


END TRANSMISSION

Darth Vader Is Not Clever, Pt. 1

Welcome to the rebellion. Once again, we can blame Spike TV's endless Star Wars summer for my new insights into formerly unnoticed, dusty corners of the Star Wars universe. It's been a while since I've immersed myself so consistently in Lucas' on-screen universe.

I'm afraid I've come to the conclusion that Darth Vader is not a creative thinker.

It's too bad too. We all had high hopes for the Emperor's protege. Darth's awe-inspiring first appearance in Star Wars introduced us to the ultimate control freak. The Vader of A New Hope feels like a malevolent force of darkness with absolute power over his troops; always one step ahead of his fearful followers. If only those pesky rebels were so easy to out-think.

Darth Vader's exchange with Admiral Motti, in which he warns the overconfident leader against the dangers of Death Star envy, reveals this dichotomy. It also clearly shows two individuals with more insight into each other than their own situations.

VADER: "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force."

Boo-Ya! Vader disses his number one back talker.

MOTTI: "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort..."

Ouch! Mottie scores. In your face Vader -- Gurk! Choke! Motti tries to continue but is strangled under Vader's mystical grip.

VADER: "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Whoa! Darth shows he's executive material by cutting through the niceties and literally going for the throat. Chalk one up for the schoolyard bully in the black cape.

Vader's main problem in the first film (The first film? The fourth? Shall we split the difference with a representative integer? Math is hard.) seems to be a lack of worthy candidates to delegate his myriad duties to. Find those rebels... Keep track of the secret plans... Lead the fighter squadron... Interrogate a Princess. Darth my man, you are one busy cyborg. Don't feel bad that nothing gets done unless you do it yourself. That's a lot of jobs for even for the most organized of middle managers. And I'll bet none of those duties were in the job description when you got hired by Emperor Palpatine.


If only you hadn't slaughtered all those highly competent Jedi Knights. Perhaps you could have enslaved a few and kept them around. They could have at least cleared up your paperwork so you could let off some steam as lead pilot to your Tie Fighter squadrons without letting so many other things slide.

In the end, Darth Vader tries to do it all himself as the rebels attack. And like so many stressed out, multi-tasking martyrs, he ends up burned out and suffering a (mechanical) breakdown.

After one film, we assume Vader is brilliant. After all, even the smartest people take on too much. We accept that he's the Empire's number one badass. Vader was tough enough that when Grand Mof Tarken mentioned the Emperor, I first assumed he was a puppet ruler. It's not until the much anticipated sequel, the Empire Strikes Back, that we discover the Emperor is the one pulling Vader's strings.

And what does the mysterious Emperor want? An escalation of violence. The same, unoriginal weapons used by petty dictators across the universe. To be fair, this is the only time the Emperor fails to rely on the guile that carried him to his powerful position. When it fails to get him what he wants he will return to his more effective, devious ways.


Vader excels at fulfilling his master's straightforward plan for dealing with the growing rebel threat. He is a man of action, after all. We will see over the course of the movies that follow how prone to action without forethought the Sith Lord is.

Everything goes well when Darth Vader plays to his strengths. The rebels are routed on Hoth and their base is overrun. Flush from his victory, the Sith Lord shows his first hint of adaptability in his search to capture the heroes of the rebellion, Han Solo, Leia Organa and his own son, Luke Skywalker. (We won't even get into how counter-productive it was to "hide" the baby Luke from Vader yet still give him Vader's family name. Not the most effective witness relocation program.)

Once again Vader delegates his search to others. But though he is failed by his own military industrial complex, Darth takes the extra step of hiring outside contractors: bounty hunters. Then Vader actually does some research and discovers Han and Lando Calrissian's on-again, off-again friendship. He makes ne'er-do-well Lando an offer he can't refuse and traps his rebels at last.

Filled with new-found managerial confidence, Vader proves that a good negotiator is also a man of his word, encasing Han Solo in carbonite, just as he threatened he would.

Serious B-A-D-A-S-S.

Perhaps it's true that working out stimulates the brain. Vader's just spent time in the bracing cold of an ice-planet kicking rebel butt... his version of a ski vacation. (He may have also added a vigorous work-out fighting off a Wampa attack on his snowtroopers into the mix. A deleted Hoth scene showed an unusually clever move by C3PO. He removes a warning label from their cell in a cut scene.)


Sadly, The Empire Strikes Back is the last time we see anything close to creative problem solving from Darth Vader. Thanks to retired blog Infinite Galaxy Of Fun and Blueharvest.net for the Wampa attaack info.

Next: Those who do not learn from the mistakes of the first film, are doomed to repeat them... in sequel after sequel.

END TRANSMISSION

Intercept: Death Star TV Listings - Blue Channel

Welcome to the rebellion. A plucky, laser-burned droid has supplied us with inside information on the Empire's cable, holo-movie schedule for this weekend. Enjoy.

BLUE CHANNEL
Your Propaganda and
Indoctrination Destination

Friday

5:00pm Lethal Wattoo

6:30pm Space Slickers II

8:00pm Lost In Translation Protocol & Droid’s Data Matrix

9:30pm Sex, Lies And Holograms

11:00pm Under The Tusken Sun

Saturday

12:30am Imperial Graffiti

2:00am Fear And Loathing in Mos Eisley

3:30am The Fleet And The Furious

5:00am Natural Born Sith Lords

7:00am Gone With The Windu

9:40pm Even Corellians Get The Blues

11:00am A Few Good Clones

12:30pm The Exorsith

2:00pm The Hunt For Red Leader

4:00pm Free Watto

5:45pm Beyond The Rim

7:15pm Skiffspotting

9:00pm Kill Boba Vol. 1

11:00pm The Alderaan Job

Sunday

12:30am Starship Stormtroopers

2:30am A History Of Rebellion

4:00am Children Of a Lesser Force

5:30am Being Han Solo

7:00am Jedi Jane

8:30am The Asteroid Of Dr. Moreau

10:00am Rebel Smackdown!:
Live From the former Alderaan System!

12:00pm Pirates Of Kamino

1:30pm The Mask Of Zuckuss

3:00pm An Officer And A Geonosian

4:30pm Stormtrooper And The Bandit

6:00pm Star Trek: Recycled

7:30pm The Last Temptation Of Anakin

9:00pm The Usual Rebels

10:30pm Reservoir Droids

END TRANSMISSION

Harsh Universe

Welcome to the rebellion. With Spike TV in the US becoming the 24 hour Star Wars channel lately, I've had the extended opportunity to have the revised, revamped and recycled trilogy prequel and the original three movies playing as I sat with my mucho delayed tax calculations.

With the dialogue failing to hold my attention and the actors so awestruck by being in a Star Wars movie they fail to bring personality to their roles (too much reverence and not enough irreverence), I had a chance to pay closer attention to the background scenery and design. Man, the designers really are the big stars on display.

One smart thing George Lucas did from the very start was to treat most of the technology like it's always existed. A movie set in L.A. wouldn't spend any time setting up what a phone is or how it works, they'd just use the dang thing and anyone who had never seen a phone would figure it out. "Oh, that thingie allows these two people to communicate."

But the more I watch the films the more I realize how technology doesn't make the lives of the people in his universe any better. It seems to take all the technology they can muster to hold a their savage natural world at bay.

The icy cold of Hoth is barely survivable. In fact, technology fails Luke completely in The Empire Strikes Back. Han must use his wits and survival skills to create a warm sleeping bag out of a fallen tauntaun.

Degobah plays havoc with Luke's X-Wing, the wild waters of Kamino are a deadly danger Obi-Wan must avoid at all costs, the burning volcanic sands of Mustafar claimed Anakin Skywalker's humanity (with the help of a little light saber chop chop, courtesy of his mentor, Obi Wan). And the seat of the Old Republic's Galactic Senate, Corsucant has conquered and obliterated any hint of nature and become an endless, crowded urban jungle.

But is life there better because of it? It doesn't seem so. Flying cars fill the skies, sin dens line the streets. It is as inhospitable as Geonosis has become, with its craggy craters and the run from it's droid factory. Perhaps only the serene and cheery Dexter Jexter of Coco Town's Dex's Diner finds this city planet preferable when compared to the inhospitable environments he has seen.

The only planets where there is any kind of harmony with the natural world are those whose technology hasn't encroached. Planets where the natural is respected and treated with reverence (now that's the place for reveerence). The Wookies and Ewoks live in harmony with their world as do the inhabitants of Naboo. Not coincidentally, the beings of these worlds seem to be the most peaceful and balanced creatures we see in the trilogies.

Are the designers sending a not so subtle message about rampant technology? Unfettered, technology provides few answers and often creates more problems; pollution, waste and destruction of natural environments being only the most obvious ones. Is this a quiet plea for a more measured and peaceful use of science? Perhaps.

More likely such decisions stemmed from creating as dramatic a backdrop to the main action as possible. Seeing hints of the natural and scientific worlds wrestling for domination adds to the compelling, human drama in the foreground. And when the human drama is played out with wooden dialogue, awkward, inconsistent character arcs and perfunctory direction, I'll take my drama anywhere I can find it.

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Intercept: Star Wars Soap Sudz

Welcome to the rebellion. We have intercepted advance notice of this week's space opera plot lines.

(*Spoiler Alert!)

ALL MY TROOPERS – Trooper 551 covers up Trooper 613’s murderous rampage but his laser burns are too accurate to have been left by a Tusken Raider. Sy Snootle’s severed hand forces him to leave the Cantina Band for good.

AS THE DEATH STAR TURNS – Sasha is shocked to learn armaments droid Z48 plans to use the Super-Laser to blast out a new lake for Lance’s Naboo resort.

THE BOLD AND THE BOUNTY HUNTERS – Commander Tagge fumes over Azul’s “friendly” visit to pleasure droid T-Ashley3000. Jamal finds a holo-clipping which reveals the real story of Biggs ‘miraculous’ survival skills.

CORELLIAN STREET – The force is strong with Tiffany but when Bale refuses to fall for her Jedi mind tricks, she uses her metal bikini to tempt him toward the dark side.

GENERAL HOSPITAL FRIGATE – Leia learns Luke’s new hand has no fingerprints. Scorpio finds himself in over his head in the trash compactor. Lando’s new love song lands him in hot water with Vader.

GUIDING FORCE – Ridge stuns Brooke with his plan to oust Vader and turn Kaminoan’s Secret into Empire Lingerie, but has Lando heard too much?

ONE LIFE TO CLONE – Miranda’s water breaks while she’s trapped in Jabba’s pit. Bib contemplates what to do with Oola’s incriminating holo-disc.

PARSECS OF OUR LIVES – A mysterious figure skulks around Bo and Yoda’s semi-detached hut. Evil developer Stefan plots to terraform Degobah.

PORT COMET – Chewie confesses his love for Shmi. Blake is gunned down in Wattoo’s shop and replaced in the pod race by his evil clone.

THE YOUNG AND REBELLIOUS – Ami Dala begs Ken Orbie not to tell anyone she’s pregnant. On a romantic Bespin weekend, 3PO and R2 consummate their relationship in a heart-shaped oil bath.

ENTOUR-BARRAGE - When manager Evar Orbus is killed, Max Rebo must take the reins to keep the band together. Droopy McCool is determined to make a killing selling Oola's secret Jabba sex tape but no one in the universe wants to see that.

UGLY BINKS - Jar Jar loses the layouts of Vader's latest fashion spread and must create a new holo-shoot from scratch. Hmmm, meesa know a very hot former Queen who might show off the leather bustier she wear to impress Jedi she babysit.

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Intercept: Latest Star Wars Holo Books

Welcome to the rebellion. The following book article was smuggled out of an Empire newspaper and cost the lives of eight valued rebels. We hope it helps you make wiser summer reading choices.

SPACE CAPSULE REVIEWS

Aiwha Soup For The Soul by Depak Chewbacca - Another warm fuzzy, love yourself hug from the universe’s most centered creature. If all of us could go through life with the faith and love that this guy has, there’d be no rebellion. We’d just kick back in a hammock with those rebel scum and share a brew. But we’re not, so we won’t. Death to the Rebellion!

In Cold Blood by Boba Fett – The most frightening glimpse into the mind of a killing machine since Abattoir Droid J-101’s children’s primer, See Spot Kill. Fett conveys his sorrow at the loss of his DNA father, Jango, with far more effectiveness and patience than Lucasfilm’s lazy, directionless, wooden, souless, characterless, emotionally bereft, empty movie version of Boba’s life, Star Wars Episode Pi, Attack Of The Crap. But I digress. Love them or hate them, you’ll never look at bounty hunters the same way again. A must read.

Jabba Dearest by Bib Fortuna – (*Spoiler Alert!) A lethal cocktail of avarice, dishonesty and revenge spice up this fascinating glimpse into the psyche of one of the most disgusting, feared creatures in the Galactic underworld. When you’re not throwing up from the graphic descriptions of Jabba’s intimate interactions with his slave trade, you’ll fascinated by the intelligence with which he built his private empire. And it’s all anchored by a surprisingly tender love story with dancing girl, Oola, heir to his empire… until Jabba feeds her to a rancor.

Dune Sea by Frank Herbert - Much more engaging than his previous holo book, Beach Blanket Bongo Party People Of Dune, Herbert has returned to the socio-political trappings of his greatest triumphs. Frank has fired all eighteen editors of his last effort, despite the fact that it made more than all of his other holos combined. An engaging read, at least the parts I stayed awake for.

The Jundland Wasteland by TS-3PE-lliot – A handsome annotated edition of the famous Sith poet’s epic decent into the madness of the Dark Side. Not compelling reading but he Emperor comp-els you to read it. Or suffer the consequences.

The Dooku Code by Dan Dan Binks – An endlessly readable thriller that follows the secret of the lost Jedi archives buried deep within an ancient holo-portrait. The tale carries you along at such a brisk pace you won’t have time to notice the ridiculous plot contrivances, complete lack of individual characters and plot holes you could fly an escaping smuggler’s Millennium Falcon through.

Postcards From The Dark Side by Lord Vader – What can one say about a book written by one of the supreme powers in the Empire? A power well-known for his long memory and distaste for weak-willed disobedience? Thankfully, it’s a witty self-effacing joy to read. And Lord Vader shows a surprising talent for clever, authentic-sounding dialogue. I wish it were twice as long. And you can tell Lord Vader I said so. Seriously, please tell Vader what I said and beg his forgiveness for losing Solo. He's one tricky Corellian.

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Superbad

Welcome to the rebellion. They don't come any smoother than
General Lando Calrissian, from the Star System of Suave.



Feet on the dance floor. Head in the cloud city, baby. Work it, superstar!

Mmm hmmm!

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Intercept: The Skywalkers Talk The Skywalk

Welcome to the rebellion. This Rebel Alert post from Tatooine was just intercepted and decoded:

Yo fellow rebels! We had another Death Star Survivor's reunion here on Mos Eisley Cantina and Wedge Antilles brought his DHD (Digital Holo-disc) of season one of the Skywalkers. Hilarious! Here are some of our favourite moments and quotes from the first season...

“30, 800 degrees and cloudy? Who cares what the weather’s like on Yavin’s second sun? What the Frak?! I’m stuck on the secure weather channel. AHHH! Make it stop!”
-Anakin confuses the remote control with his electric shaver.

“He’s not the sort of child who likes to hang out at the mall.”
-Padme talks about how sensitive Luke is while we see him in the background, stabbing the bejeezus out of a couch with his Swiss Army Lightsabre.

“Absolute dictator of the universe – gravy-maker extraordinaire. Oh Frak!! I dropped the gravy boat thingie.”
-Anakin tries his hand at cooking.

“I don’t give a scrag what people think about my hair. It’s my hair, so why should they care? Oooh, that rhymes!”
-Leia shaves her head.

Padme: “Leia just called from the pet depot.”
Anakin: “No! No! Forget it! No!”
Padme: “Don’t you even want to know what...”
Anakin: “If it’s a living thing, no! She can't bring it the frak home. It’s like a freaking zoo planet around here. They're like animals, and I'll slaughter them like animals! I hate them!
-Anakin shares his warm views on nature.


“Dad, you have serious anger-management issues.”
-Leia, after Anakin levitated her personal shuttle into the pool.

“Here puss... puss...”
-Luke, dressed in ill-fitting, full stormtrooper armour, prowls the house with a pulse rifle looking for the family’s pet womp rat.

“Bubbles? I can't have a bubble bath! Come on Padme, I’m frakking Darth Vader. The D man. I’m the Prince of skragging Darkness. Evil! What’s so frakking evil about a tub full of bubbles?”
-Anakin has a bath time breakdown.


See what else is on the Death Star's Holo-Channels this week.


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