Welcome to the rebellion. After a desperate escape from a vindictive interrogation droid who loves his job way too much and a squad of overzealous stormtroopers, I have been on the hunt for a two-bedroom rebel base for my new wife and I. Hence the delayed updating this week as I met with various Hutt landlords.
The Empire has made finding living accomodations our own personal Star Wars but we refuse to give up. We just need a safe, secure place to hide in long enough to harness our New Hope and build a free life together. Preferably a base with an exercise room, remodeled bathroom and kitchen in a safe neighborhood with a good view of several moons. We don't own a landspeeder so grocery shopping nearby would be a plus. And of course, a cloaking shield to keep prying Imperial eyes away.
My personal princess has been across the Outer Rim for years and is finally leaving that embattled Star Warszone. She'll be boarding a shuttle and traveling beyond the 49th parallel to meet me so we can at last create our own rebel band of two.
I’ve been checking back channels for rental accommodations. There’s not much out there. But I did find this in the Imperial News classified ads…
Endor: Decommissioned Space Station Husk. It’s the size of a small moon so still suitable for single-family dwelling. Definitely a fixer upper since rebels blew it up but Deflector Shield could be reactivated with old-fashioned elbow grease. Some red-tape will be involved to get the Empire to approve release of the plans for remodeling.
I also noticed these two have been on the market for a while. They were in the last Imperial News edition. Maybe I can get a break on the price!
Tatooine: Renovated hermit's cave. Exceptionally clean. Completely furnished. Heart-warming old-man smell. $1890/month.
Hoth Asteroid Field: Roomy giant space-slug, suitable for family or home-business. Must be tasty morsels. References will be checked. Week to week acceptable until digestion is complete. $820/month.
And for those who are interested, here are more highlights from the Empire’s number one classified section (Even better than Salacious Crumb’s Crumbslist.com and RedThreEBay.com). This smuggled information is as reliable as it comes.
Fleet of All Terrain Armored Transport Walkers (AT-AT’s). Standing fifteen metres tall, these babies are truly intimidating. Avoid cold or warm environments. Fully serviced and impervious to anything… except lumber.nc.
Chim chim cheero! Charming cockney chimney sweep for hire. Experience a quaint, outdated tradition. Clap along to spontaneous dance numbers with animated characters. I do blast furnaces.
(*I couldn't resist. Partly because Dick Van Dyke's lovable cartoon of a cockney from Mary Poppins would really liven up the Star Wars universe sweeping out the Death Star's exhaust ports as he moonwalks and sings Step In Time. But mostly because of this!)
Giant Used Deflector Shield Generator. Currently on Endor. Cheap. You pay only for shipping. Powerful enough to shield a planet-sized space station. Surprisingly good shape despite rebel assault. Some blaster burns and Ewok droppings.
Are you an uppity droid who wants to rediscover the feel of a tightening restraining bolt? Do you want to feel the sting of my electromagnetic feedback? Madame Mark IV Sentry Droid is here to probe all your submissive desires. Catering to technological whipping-droids who crave a taste of electro-lash and bubbling oil baths.
Help me, Obi Wan. You’re my only hope. - Box 402, Yavin
Me: Lonely, loyal Captain laying down cover fire as you sought the throne room.
You: Strong-willed monarch. Though you’ve stepped down from your throne you remain Queen of my heart. Blue milk?
Me: Heart-broken and betrayed old-time fan feels left out of decision not to release original, unaltered version of first movie again. New Hope springs eternal.
You: Overlord of effects, film and merchandising Empire. Despite frustration I’d give left arm for tour of your ranch. Blue milk?
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- Rob Pincombe is a prolific television writer, recovering comedian and sometime comic artist/storyboard artist who just wasn't satisfied with a single blog. He writes about sci-fi and fandom at rebelalert.com, Canadian comics at comicanuck.com, and shares thoughts and insights on writing at starkravingadventure.com