About Me

Rob Pincombe is a prolific television writer, recovering comedian and sometime comic artist/storyboard artist who just wasn't satisfied with a single blog. He writes about sci-fi and fandom at rebelalert.com, Canadian comics at comicanuck.com, and shares thoughts and insights on writing at starkravingadventure.com

Monday, July 20, 2009

Summer BBQ Meal Planning: Darth Chop and Roast Ewok

Welcome to the rebellion.

Thanks to rebel leader Simon Evans at HardcoreNerdity.com, we have finally completed our menu for the Rebel BBQ at our base on Yavin 4 this weekend.

We'll round it out with the Empire's new Darth Chop!

The comments on the post are even more hilarious than the picture if you can believe it. Jonathan Lyre scores my two favourites with "I'm afraid I'm altering the meal. Pray I don't alter it any further..." and "I find your lack of applesauce disturbing...".

Andreas Heim brought two packages of muttonchops to his Denmark home for a BBQ and was stunned at their resemblance to to everyone's favourite Star Wars bad boy. He quickly posted photos of the meat on Twitter then marinated them in organic olive oil, lemon, chili and lemon thyme.

Heim is dedicated, even grilling his chops in the rain. Now that's the kind of rebel we need on our team.

There's grilling...

...And there's grilling.

We've also hired renowned bounty hunter and Chef Boba Fett to take time off from his reality holo-series, Fett's Radiactive Kitchen, to prepare our feast. And he's sharing one his recipes with us today!


Any holiday or festive occasion can bring out the adventurous side in all of us. And what better way to celebrate than to hunt, kill and eat your holiday meal with friends and family. Some warriors believe that eating a beast transfers it's soul into you. That would explain the contented joy one feels after consuming a fresh, well-barbecued Ewok. Trapping these curious, friendly beasts is ridiculously easy. Just stroll through the magnificent forests of Endor holding something shiny in your hand, and several of the inquisitive little rascals will soon show up to investigate. Avoiding the use of explosives in their capture is a must. You don't want to damage the skin - it needs to be intact to hold in all the juices as it bakes. A medium electric charge set for a twelve-foot dispersal ought to be enough to shut down the electrical activity to their brain and provide you with the fixings for your banquet.

Select a Ewok weighing 65 to 75 pounds. Weight may vary so adjust the recipe accordingly. First, you will need to score the skin by scraping away all the fur with a laser torch. If you do not have access to a lightsabre taken from the cold, dead hand of a Jedi opponent, scoop out the innards with a spoon and boil them. When combined with the Ewok's own rich drippings, this will provide you with a a base for gravy and a hearty stew tomorrow. To avoid collapsing of the Ewok while cooking, stuff the abdominal cavity. Rub the cavity with butter and firmly insert a dressing such as bread crumbs, apples and chopped celery, seasoned with salt, pepper and ground sage. Sew up the cavity opening or use a Jedi Cook ™ brand light-skewer (only twelve bars of utanium from Walmart. Boba Fett approved!). Place a meat thermometer in the Ewok's anus, being careful not to hit the bone, which would reflect an incorrect reading. Oh, that reminds me... flush out the Ewok's colon before cooking.

Second, temperature can range from 250 to 350 degrees F at around 25 minutes per lb. Therefore a 70lb Ewok will slow-roast in approx. 1755 minutes, or 1 1/2 Endorian days. You can speed up the process simply by increasing the heat. To roast in half a day add more plutonium briquettes and set the heat to 700 degrees. To roast in 53 minutes set the heat to 11200 degrees. To flash roast in 7.2 seconds use an atomic kiln set at 106 degrees Kelvin, or drag the Ewok through the outer corona of a red sun.

"Mmmm, Wicket smells delicious!"

Place a small wooden stick/block in the Ewok's mouth and, after cooking, replace with a suitable fruit. An apple is traditional, but a pineapple adds a tropical flair. You will need to cover the ears, snout and tail with foil or cheese cloth at some point to avoid burning. These caps should be removed about l/2 hour before the barbecue is completed to obtain a uniform baking color. To make a drip pan, use 3 sheets of heavy aluminum foil molded slightly larger than the Ewok to collect the rich drippings. All cooking is done by reflected heat, not by direct flame. About l/2 hour before the suckling Ewok is done (about 5.7 seconds if flash-roasting), baste generously with the basting sauce and its own considerable drippings.

General Organa plans out the menu and

three-legged race with military precision.

The roast is done when the temperature in the thickest part of the Ewok (the delicious rump) registers 160 degrees. You musn't oversmoke or overcook, but you may want to overeat!

To serve the barbecued Ewok, slice the skin from the base of the tail to the back of the neck and peel the skin down the sides. Carve the ass first, slice the rib sections next, and carve the front shoulders and jowl last.


3 cups honey 4 ounces soy sauce
3 cups orange concentrate
2 cups fresh, ground pineapple
1 package Boba Fett's Ass-terburner Hot Spice ™ (optional)

Mix together and cook the above ingredients for 5 minutes. Liberal usage on partially cooked suckling Ewok enhances the finished entree.

Mmmm! Those cute little suckers make good eating! And you can use the discarded fur to wipe the juices and grease off your satisfied face when you're full.

Please arrive at the rebel BBQ early as we expect long line-ups for potato salad and will likely have only a scant thirty minutes before our small moon comes within firing range of the Death Star.


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