Summer BBQ Meal Planning: Darth Chop and Roast Ewok

Welcome to the rebellion.

Thanks to rebel leader Simon Evans at HardcoreNerdity.com, we have finally completed our menu for the Rebel BBQ at our base on Yavin 4 this weekend.

We'll round it out with the Empire's new Darth Chop!

The comments on the post are even more hilarious than the picture if you can believe it. Jonathan Lyre scores my two favourites with "I'm afraid I'm altering the meal. Pray I don't alter it any further..." and "I find your lack of applesauce disturbing...".

Andreas Heim brought two packages of muttonchops to his Denmark home for a BBQ and was stunned at their resemblance to to everyone's favourite Star Wars bad boy. He quickly posted photos of the meat on Twitter then marinated them in organic olive oil, lemon, chili and lemon thyme.

Heim is dedicated, even grilling his chops in the rain. Now that's the kind of rebel we need on our team.


There's grilling...

...And there's grilling.

We've also hired renowned bounty hunter and Chef Boba Fett to take time off from his reality holo-series, Fett's Radiactive Kitchen, to prepare our feast. And he's sharing one his recipes with us today!

ROAST SUCKLING EWOK, HAWAIIN STYLE - BBQ

Any holiday or festive occasion can bring out the adventurous side in all of us. And what better way to celebrate than to hunt, kill and eat your holiday meal with friends and family. Some warriors believe that eating a beast transfers it's soul into you. That would explain the contented joy one feels after consuming a fresh, well-barbecued Ewok. Trapping these curious, friendly beasts is ridiculously easy. Just stroll through the magnificent forests of Endor holding something shiny in your hand, and several of the inquisitive little rascals will soon show up to investigate. Avoiding the use of explosives in their capture is a must. You don't want to damage the skin - it needs to be intact to hold in all the juices as it bakes. A medium electric charge set for a twelve-foot dispersal ought to be enough to shut down the electrical activity to their brain and provide you with the fixings for your banquet.

Select a Ewok weighing 65 to 75 pounds. Weight may vary so adjust the recipe accordingly. First, you will need to score the skin by scraping away all the fur with a laser torch. If you do not have access to a lightsabre taken from the cold, dead hand of a Jedi opponent, scoop out the innards with a spoon and boil them. When combined with the Ewok's own rich drippings, this will provide you with a a base for gravy and a hearty stew tomorrow. To avoid collapsing of the Ewok while cooking, stuff the abdominal cavity. Rub the cavity with butter and firmly insert a dressing such as bread crumbs, apples and chopped celery, seasoned with salt, pepper and ground sage. Sew up the cavity opening or use a Jedi Cook ™ brand light-skewer (only twelve bars of utanium from Walmart. Boba Fett approved!). Place a meat thermometer in the Ewok's anus, being careful not to hit the bone, which would reflect an incorrect reading. Oh, that reminds me... flush out the Ewok's colon before cooking.

Second, temperature can range from 250 to 350 degrees F at around 25 minutes per lb. Therefore a 70lb Ewok will slow-roast in approx. 1755 minutes, or 1 1/2 Endorian days. You can speed up the process simply by increasing the heat. To roast in half a day add more plutonium briquettes and set the heat to 700 degrees. To roast in 53 minutes set the heat to 11200 degrees. To flash roast in 7.2 seconds use an atomic kiln set at 106 degrees Kelvin, or drag the Ewok through the outer corona of a red sun.

"Mmmm, Wicket smells delicious!"

Place a small wooden stick/block in the Ewok's mouth and, after cooking, replace with a suitable fruit. An apple is traditional, but a pineapple adds a tropical flair. You will need to cover the ears, snout and tail with foil or cheese cloth at some point to avoid burning. These caps should be removed about l/2 hour before the barbecue is completed to obtain a uniform baking color. To make a drip pan, use 3 sheets of heavy aluminum foil molded slightly larger than the Ewok to collect the rich drippings. All cooking is done by reflected heat, not by direct flame. About l/2 hour before the suckling Ewok is done (about 5.7 seconds if flash-roasting), baste generously with the basting sauce and its own considerable drippings.

General Organa plans out the menu and

three-legged race with military precision.

The roast is done when the temperature in the thickest part of the Ewok (the delicious rump) registers 160 degrees. You musn't oversmoke or overcook, but you may want to overeat!

To serve the barbecued Ewok, slice the skin from the base of the tail to the back of the neck and peel the skin down the sides. Carve the ass first, slice the rib sections next, and carve the front shoulders and jowl last.

BASTING SAUCE

3 cups honey 4 ounces soy sauce
3 cups orange concentrate
2 cups fresh, ground pineapple
1 package Boba Fett's Ass-terburner Hot Spice ™ (optional)

Mix together and cook the above ingredients for 5 minutes. Liberal usage on partially cooked suckling Ewok enhances the finished entree.

Mmmm! Those cute little suckers make good eating! And you can use the discarded fur to wipe the juices and grease off your satisfied face when you're full.

Please arrive at the rebel BBQ early as we expect long line-ups for potato salad and will likely have only a scant thirty minutes before our small moon comes within firing range of the Death Star.



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Darth Vader Is Not Clever - Part Two

Welcome to the rebellion.

We wish it weren't so, but Darth Vader, despite six movies in which to build on his early badass promise, has failed to live up to his evil potential.

Whole lot of choking going on.

In the first post on this topic, we discussed Darth Vader's initial, awe-inspiring appearance in Star Wars and his subsequent development from brutal, galactic overlord to a truly memorable and adaptable cinema villain.

We may have gone back to the theatre time and again to see Luke, Han, Chewie and Leia triumph, but it was Vader we truly couldn't get enough of. Every kid on the block went around breathing heavily through their mouths or into soda cans and juice bottles, imitating Vader's raspy, evil eloquence.

This was a guy who brought tough love parenting to a new level when seeking answers his own daughter. "Why weren't you home by curfew last night? I want to meet the boy who's taking you to the prom. what was that, no? Okay, fine. No prom. No planet!"

He has also showed a willingness to use old techniques (Drugs, interrogation droids, a good old-fashioned invisible neck squeeze. Classics all.) yet also take advantage of new technologies (the Death Star). All the while showing his disdain for overconfidence with any of these things.

"I find you lack of faith... disturbing."

Well, we didn't know Leia was his daughter at that point but it made a scary scene even more compelling and creepy in retrospect.

Anticipation for more of this villain ran high after Star Wars. Did Darth Vader survive being blown into space? What kind of malevolent retaliation would he inflict on Luke and the rebels for heaping such an indignant fate upon him? A generation of kids, both young and old, were in a perpetual fervor of expectation while they waited for the second installment of Lucas’ franchise in the making.

Case in point...

During a re-release of Star Wars to stir audience interest for the forthcoming Empire Strikes Back, I remember slowly shuffling out of the theatre as the credits rolled. I would have preferred to stay for the entire credits, letting John William’s heroic Star Wars score carry me through to a proper sense of denouement but the other patrons in my aisle made that impossible.

As the final credits rolled off the screen, light from the screen suddenly filled the cinema. Preview scenes from the new movie burst onto the scene! People dashed into their seats to take it all in.

We waited with baited breath through incredible shots of space battles, an eerie swamp plant and incredible machines fighting for dominance on a snowy planet, and for confirmation of Vader's return.

Back in black!

At last, a tantalizingly quick shot of the rebels appeared. We hushed as Leia, Han, Chewie and their droids entered a white room. At the end of long table, the Sith Lord Darth Vader rose, taking them, and us, completely by surprise. Han drew his blaster only to have Vader telekinetically snatch it form across the room with a wave of his gloved hand. The cheers were unbelievable!

Few screen villains will ever have that kind of impact of viewers.

Let’s face it. A good hero is nothing without a good villain. Batman isn’t playing with a full deck without his Joker. Dirty Harry wouldn’t have made such a sudden impact without his initial run-in with Scorpio. And Arnold Schwarzenegger was the hero and villain of his most famous film franchise. I’ll be back… and back… and back.

As we discussed in Part One of this discussion (Oh so long ago.), Vader showed remarkable adaptability and grew more efficiently ruthless in The Empire Strikes Back. It was a joy watching the Sith Lord learn from the typical mistakes so often found in middle-management (over-delegating, underestimating the experience and savvy of former mentors, ignoring the ability of young upstarts to bounce back) and take his first, tentative steps to rivaling the Emperor himself for space smarts and strategic thinking in this, the first of many sequels.

Darth realizes he is only one man and so, like any good manager, delegates. Hiring mercs who specialize in finding needles in cosmic haystacks for fun and profit is sensible step. It not only increases the odds of success, but these men are able to search the crevasses of space, the lowly, dirt-covered planets and systems where fugitives think they can hide.

A Star-Destroyer pulling into orbit led by a guy in shiny armor is sure to give anyone on the run advance warning. But the bounty hunters fit right in on the fringes of galactic society. No one sees them coming.

Unlike the Jedi, who rely on the Force and their own wits to persevere, the Sith make every effort to manipulate events and others to do their dirty work for them. Despite the blow to his pride, Vader’s plan of action is wholly in keeping with these tactics.

And it quickly pays off.

Boba Fett thinks much the way Han Solo does and tracks the Millenium Falcon to Bespin. In fact, he anticipates Solo’s flight plan. The audience is expecting Vader and his forces to arrive in pursuit of Han. But when Vader rises at the end of Lando’s Cloud City Dining Room, we are as surprised as the rebels. He’s been there all along and even had enough time for a quick, one-sided negotiation with Lando Calrissian.

Every step in this film, Vader becomes more dangerous. In his view, actions have consequences and he’s just the judge, jury and executioner to carry them out. He has no compunctions about encasing Han Solo in carbonite to lure Luke to a deadly confrontation. Vader toys with Luke, sharing the shocking secret of his true lineage and in so doing, forces the audience to rethink everything they’ve seen back through TWO MOVIES!

Skywalker family feud.


Give the man a hand.

Sadly, after almost achieving “Evil-Villain of the Month” greatness by freezing Han "That Annoying Thorn in my Armor" Solo and cutting off the hand of our eager, young hero, the menacing, adaptable Darth Vader of The Empire Strikes Back would wave goodbye and disappear forever at the end of the credits.

Empire Strikes Back attained that rare watermark for a sequel. It built on and outdid its predecessor without copying it. Much like the Godfather II and the antithesis of Die Hard II: Die Harder and every Friday the 13th movie ever made. The characters grew up, the stakes grew higher and more personal, and the villain truly grew into an even greater threat than he had presented in the first film.

Unfortunately, though The Empire Strikes Back solidified Darth Vader’s place as the scariest bugger in a certain galaxy far, far away, that particular Sith Lord would not appear in Return Of The Jedi. His cape, helmet and re-breather were turned over to an indecisive, pencil-pushing, ineffectual, middle manager.

It’s tragic tale of corporate ennui. Many up and coming professionals hit the glass ceiling at work after a meteoric rise to prominence. With no room for advancement as long as the Emperor hold the reins of power, even a Sith Lord may choose to coast.

Next: The downsizing of Vader.

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Introducing... Boba Fett

Welcome to the rebellion. I went absolutely bonkers for this cartoon as a kid, when it aired as part of the infamous Star Wars Christmas Special. The first screen appearance of Boba Fett was easily the best part of the show.



The animated short was like nothing I'd ever seen. The designs are part ILM/part fairground caricature artist/70's underground comix and it was our first ever look at badass Boba Fett. Even though Boba never actually does anything in this, it was all about the tease. This dude had potential to rival Darth Vader in coolness.

From small screen...


...to tall screen.

For a young Canuck like me, the most amazing thing was that this short was by by an upstart Canadian company named Nelvana, now one of the largest animation companies in the world.

It somehow made the possibility of being connected to that Hollywood/Star Wars universe so far, far way seem less remote. They so impressed George Lucas this short became a precursor to is a precursor to their later Droids and Ewoks series.

At the time they were making animated shorts in their Small Star Cinema series and moved into really unique, and awesome animated specials like their early Christmas Two-Step, their breakthrough production was A Cosmic Christmas. (Don't believe me? View it here!).

And of course, the Halloween special, The Devil And Daniel Mouse...

Which inspired their ambitious feature debut, Rock And Rule!

After the Star Wars Christmas Special, Nelvana continued the galactic holiday themed specials with Intergalactic Thanksgiving, Romie-0 and Julie-8, Take Me Up To the Ball Game and the not so sci-fi Easter Fever (the very first animation voice credit for Maurice LaMarche: voice of "The Brain" from Pinky & The Brain!).

All fun, unique specials. But this really is about Boba Fett. He's a man of few words but we'll give him the last words today.

Bad... Ass.

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 004 - Dengar The Horrible

Welcome to the rebellion.

Word has reached our deep-space listening posts that Lord Darth Vader has summoned mercenaries from across the galaxy to help him capture Han Solo, thereby luring Luke Skywalker into a deadly confrontation. Six of the fiercest bounty hunters were assembled: Dengar, 4-LOM, Zuckass, Bossk, IG-88, and the legendary Boba Fett.



But before the stalking and corralling of rebel scum begins. Here is the latest Sunday Comic from the Imperial News: Dengar the Horrible.

Oh, that Dengar.

With thanks and apologies to Hagar The Horrible creators, Dik and Chris Browne. For more Imperial News comics click here. For Chris Browne's Blog, click here.

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 002 - Fett Trot

Welcome to the rebellion. We have intercepted this week's Imperial News' Sunday Comic; Fett Trot. Enjoy.

With thanks and apologies to Foxtrot creator, Bill Amend. For more Imperial News comics click here.

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