Intercept: Death Star TV Listings - Vader's Classics Yellow Channel

Welcome to the rebellion. 

For your weekend viewing pleasure we have hacked into Imperial databases and retrieved this weekend's Yellow Channel, Pay-Per-Holo movie schedule. Enjoy.

YELLOW CHANNEL: Vader Classics

Friday

5:00pm    Bridge On the Comet Kwai (drama, 2 hrs)

7:00 pm   The Droid Who Knew Too Much (thriller, 2 hrs)

9:00pm    Anakin Presley Double Feature:

                          Jawa Happy (musical , 90 min)/

                                Blue Tatooine (musical, 90 min)

Saturday

12:00am   One Flew Over The Peko-Peko’s Nest (2 1/2 hrs)

2:30am     All Quiet On The Wookie Front (90 min)

4:00am     Arsenic And Old Space (screwball comedy, 90 min)

5:30am     A Landspeeder Named Desire (drama, 90 min)

7:00am     Kessil Miner’s Daughter (bio, 90 min)

8:30am     The Maltese Millenium Falcon (film noir, 90 min)

10:00am   The Bespin Connection (crime, 90 min)

11:30am    A Star Is Destroyed (musical/drama, 90 min)

1:00pm     A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Force

                                                (musical comedy, 90 min)

2:30pm     To Kill a Mynock (courtroom drama, 2 hrs)

4:30pm     Not Without My Droid (thriller, Sally Fett, 90 min)

6:00pm     Wuthering Hutt (costume drama, 90 min)

7:30pm     Bringing Up Boba (screwball comedy, 90 min)

9:00pm     Anakin Presley Double Feature:

                             Viva Mos Eisley (musical, 90 min)/

                                      Jailhouse Ewok (musical, 90 min)

Sunday

12:00am   Guess Who’s Coming To Degobah? (drama, 1 hr, 45 min)

1:45am     Hello, Dooku! (musical, 2 hrs)

3:45am     Breakfast At Tarkins (effervescent, fluffy drama, 1 hr, 45 min)

5:30am     Little Wookies (period drama, 90 min)

7:00am     The Unsinkable Wedge Antilles (musical, 2 hrs)

9:00am     Stage Door Cantina (musical/romance, 90 min)

10:30am   Meet Me In Mos Espa (musical, 90 min)

12:00 pm  Lando Sings The Blues (musical bio, 2 hrs)

2:00pm     Some Like It Hoth (screwball comedy, 90 min)

3:30pm     Willie Wampa And the Icicle Factory (children, 2 hrs)

5:30pm     On Her Majesty’s Rebel Service (spy thriller, 2 hrs)

7:30pm     Strange Brew (comedy, 90 min)

9:00pm     Anakin Presley Double Feature:

                         Stay Away Jedi! (musical, 90 min)/

                               Wookies! Wookies! Wookies! (musical, 90 min)

END TRANSMISSION

Star Wars Sunday Comic 005 - Dennis The Phantom Menace

Welcome to the rebellion. I tend to do the Imperial News' Star Wars Sunday Comics in batches. That way I can immerse myself in a specific creator's approach and get a few comics written and drawn while I'm in the right head space. So for the next few Sundays we'll be seeing some familiar faces. Enjoy.

With thanks and apologies to Dennis The Menace creator, Hank Ketcham. For more Imperial News comics click here.

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 004 - Dengar The Horrible

Welcome to the rebellion.

Word has reached our deep-space listening posts that Lord Darth Vader has summoned mercenaries from across the galaxy to help him capture Han Solo, thereby luring Luke Skywalker into a deadly confrontation. Six of the fiercest bounty hunters were assembled: Dengar, 4-LOM, Zuckass, Bossk, IG-88, and the legendary Boba Fett.



But before the stalking and corralling of rebel scum begins. Here is the latest Sunday Comic from the Imperial News: Dengar the Horrible.

Oh, that Dengar.

With thanks and apologies to Hagar The Horrible creators, Dik and Chris Browne. For more Imperial News comics click here. For Chris Browne's Blog, click here.

END TRANSMISSION

Intercept: Death Star TV Listings - Red Channel

Welcome to the rebellion. For your weekend viewing pleasure we have hacked into Imperial databases and retrieved this weekend's Pay-Per-Holo movie schedule. Enjoy.

RED CHANNEL: Home Box Holo

Friday

5:00pm Wag The Dianoga

7:00pm Pretty Wookie

8:30pm Team Empire: Space Police

10:00pm Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sithhood

Saturday

12:00am The Neverending Sequels

1:30am Rancor Dundee II

3:00am Pee Wee’s Big Empire

4:30am That Darn Sarlacc

6:00am Womprats In Paris

7:30am 101 Dianogas

9:00am My Cousin Dengar

10:30am Droid Story

12:00pm Imperial Pie III

1:30pm Peggy Sue Got Vaporized

3:30pm It’s A Wonderful Force

5:15pm Memoirs Of A Jedi

7:15pm Dennis The Phantom Menace

9:00pm Finding Wattoo

11:00pm Nightmare On Coruscant: Jek Porkin’s Revenge

Sunday

1:00am Dial “M” For Mynock

2:30am Bend It Like Boba

4:00am Lando And Hardy: Silent Holo Classics

4:45am Anakin Scorsese’s Age Of Imperialism

6:00am Fat Akbar

7:30am A Hard Day’s Flight

9:00am Meet The Sperm Donors

10:30pm Howard The Duck

12:00pm Spacey Movie III

1:30pm Good Wattoo Hunting

3:30pm Miracle In 34th Quadrant

5:00pm Imperial Psycho

6:30pm Naboo Hill

8:00pm The Incredible Hutt

10:00pm Star Trek: Try, Try Again

END TRANSMISSION

Today's Star Wars Lotto Number

Welcome to the rebellion. We've officially reached Hothgust, our second month of transmitting this rebel signal. There is little evidence our voice is being heard but we trust in the Force to get the word out.

Since we struggle to finance the resistance any way we can, we've pooled our resources to buy up Imperial Lottery tickets.

Today's Imperial Lotto Number is: 01011001001100111000111011001001010010101010100010101000101010100101001110100
01010101000100010000111000100010000100010101000010101010001011100100101001
10110001101110111100010001001010101000100011100010010100101011010001110011000
11000110001000100110011100010101010100101001001100011000111011101101000110010

Drok! So close.

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 003 - Dennis The Phantom Menace

Welcome to the rebellion. The slave boy from the dome next door was in my Funnel Flower bushes again. I laid in wait with our hose to give him a good dunking but he squeezed the hose to keep it from splashing him until I foolishly looked in the end to see if something was blocking it. Then he let go and splash! I was one soaked Moisture Farmer.

Sigh. How does that brat keep getting away with his mischief?

Here's his latest misadventure from this week's Imperial News Sunday Comic: Dennis the Phantom Menace. Enjoy.

With thanks and apologies to Dennis The Menace creator, Hank Ketcham. For more Imperial News comics click here.

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A Real Boba Fete...

Welcome to the rebellion. Caught an article in last weekend's National Post on a Star Wars, Mandalorian-themed wedding ceremony held outside the this year's San Diego Comic Con.

So often people view fan-themed events with this image of overgrown children with no social skills refusing to be responsible adults and dressing up in crazy costumes. People like to dismiss the fannish enthusiasm as worthless or misguided. But there's a lot happening under all that colourful gear.

The truth is there are few more social events than a cosplay (costume play) or a costume club event . They're the ultimate mixer. It's easy to identify who digs what you dig and you have automatic conversation starters like, "How'd you get the metallic fins to curve at the right angles to really sell the rocket pack?", "Do you believe in adapting an actual assault rifle model, carving it from a single piece of wood, or detailing over a resin cast?", and even "What the heck are you?"

We all love to talk about our favourite shows or books but sci-fi fans take it further, forming friendships around these things that can last a lifetime. And they are engaged in the world in a unique way. Sci-Fi fans love to talk about the transformative power of ideas and are probably the most positive, can-do people you'll ever meet.

Heck, Cosplayers and Costume Club spent months, weeks and hours hand-weaving the fur into their Chewbacca outfit. You think starting a recycling depot in their neighbourhood is beyond them? They're self-starters and always look on the bright side, eager to change the world into the futuristic utopia they see played out in the shows and novels they love.

I admit, I almost dismissed Tenille and Thomas Kuhlman's Mandalorian (Boba Fett's people) wedding myself. But as I read through the article, and later looked at footage and pictures here, I realized this matrimonial union had much in common with my own wedding last November.

My new bride and I have had quite a roller-coaster year. After much patience on her part and many stalling excuses on my part, I asked my bride to marry me in a convulsion of nervous stuttering. Why was I nervous when I already knew her answer (which she helpfully provided me with years before)? Perhaps it's all about Tom Hanks and Ron Howard Apollo 13 rule; just because you know how it ends doesn't mean it isn't a wild ride.

My bride-to-be lived across the Rim, 500 miles and a country away as the shuttle flies. Due to health concerns we were suddenly forced to deal with, I became our de facto wedding planner. As she kept working and dealt with the medical droids (and some of them may as well have been droids considering their inhuman bedside manner), I flew back and forth to help her, worked and made wedding arrangements.

Our wedding was extremely small and we avoided any company or service that was part of the wedding industry. We booked a beautiful restaurant/pool hall/corporate event place that could do the wedding and the dinner, made our own music files and hooked up our computer to the sound system. We also conscripted friends and family to help decorate and found an old friend who used to own a flower store to help out with the floral arrangements and the bouquet.

The rings were antique found on-line, thereby avoiding blood diamonds and questions regarding the ethics of the Canadian diamond industry. Even the dress was found on-line and fit my love perfectly. And Jill (my new wife) even wrote a song about planning the wedding while going through Chemo. It's called Chemo Bride (below). So the entertainment was unparalleled. And the cake? A huge ice cream cake from Baskin-Robbins. and we defy to find a tastier wedding cake anywhere!

Become a guest at my wedding and enjoy my wife's brilliant song, "Chemo Bride"!

I remember how proud we felt after it was all over. We had created a perfect, intimate wedding on a reasonable budget that was full of personality, beauty and joy. Since we paid as we went we also wouldn't be paying off debt on it for years to come! That DIY (Do It Yourself) spirit is exactly the kind of joyful. "let's get it done and celebrate life" kind of feeling I saw at this Star Wars wedding.

Tenille and Thomas were actually married months before but for both of them , this was the true celebration they wanted. It was something unique to them. Something that included their guests in the spirit of creation and experiencing something unique.

And that is what you're really seeing when you see pictures of fans in their costumes at events like these. People who are celebrating possibility. People who are getting that rare opportunity to let that optimistic spirit inside them out. They're letting the world see that we don't have to settle for the mundane every day. We can believe in the power of imagination inspire us to greater heights.

Isn't that worth looking a little goofy for?

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 001 - The Amazing Spider-Wookiee

Welcome to the rebellion. We have intercepted the debut of the Imperial News' latest Sunday comic, the Amazing Spider-Wookiee. Enjoy.


With thanks and apologies to Stan Lee, Steve Ditko and the current keepers of the Spider-Man comic strip flame, Larry Leiber, Alex Saviuk and Joe Sinnot. For more Imperial News comics click here.

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Star Wars Apartment Hunt

Welcome to the rebellion. After a desperate escape from a vindictive interrogation droid who loves his job way too much and a squad of overzealous stormtroopers, I have been on the hunt for a two-bedroom rebel base for my new wife and I. Hence the delayed updating this week as I met with various Hutt landlords.

The Empire has made finding living accomodations our own personal Star Wars but we refuse to give up. We just need a safe, secure place to hide in long enough to harness our New Hope and build a free life together. Preferably a base with an exercise room, remodeled bathroom and kitchen in a safe neighborhood with a good view of several moons. We don't own a landspeeder so grocery shopping nearby would be a plus. And of course, a cloaking shield to keep prying Imperial eyes away.

My personal princess has been across the Outer Rim for years and is finally leaving that embattled Star Warszone. She'll be boarding a shuttle and traveling beyond the 49th parallel to meet me so we can at last create our own rebel band of two.

I’ve been checking back channels for rental accommodations. There’s not much out there. But I did find this in the Imperial News classified ads…

FOR RENT:

Endor: Decommissioned Space Station Husk. It’s the size of a small moon so still suitable for single-family dwelling. Definitely a fixer upper since rebels blew it up but Deflector Shield could be reactivated with old-fashioned elbow grease. Some red-tape will be involved to get the Empire to approve release of the plans for remodeling.

I also noticed these two have been on the market for a while. They were in the last Imperial News edition. Maybe I can get a break on the price!

Tatooine: Renovated hermit's cave. Exceptionally clean. Completely furnished. Heart-warming old-man smell. $1890/month.

Hoth Asteroid Field: Roomy giant space-slug, suitable for family or home-business. Must be tasty morsels. References will be checked. Week to week acceptable until digestion is complete. $820/month.

And for those who are interested, here are more highlights from the Empire’s number one classified section (Even better than Salacious Crumb’s Crumbslist.com and RedThreEBay.com). This smuggled information is as reliable as it comes.

FOR SALE:

Fleet of All Terrain Armored Transport Walkers (AT-AT’s). Standing fifteen metres tall, these babies are truly intimidating. Avoid cold or warm environments. Fully serviced and impervious to anything… except lumber.nc.

Chim chim cheero! Charming cockney chimney sweep for hire. Experience a quaint, outdated tradition. Clap along to spontaneous dance numbers with animated characters. I do blast furnaces.

(*I couldn't resist. Partly because Dick Van Dyke's lovable cartoon of a cockney from Mary Poppins would really liven up the Star Wars universe sweeping out the Death Star's exhaust ports as he moonwalks and sings Step In Time. But mostly because of this!)


OPPORTUNITIES:

Giant Used Deflector Shield Generator. Currently on Endor. Cheap. You pay only for shipping. Powerful enough to shield a planet-sized space station. Surprisingly good shape despite rebel assault. Some blaster burns and Ewok droppings.


PERSONALS:

Are you an uppity droid who wants to rediscover the feel of a tightening restraining bolt? Do you want to feel the sting of my electromagnetic feedback? Madame Mark IV Sentry Droid is here to probe all your submissive desires. Catering to technological whipping-droids who crave a taste of electro-lash and bubbling oil baths.


Help me, Obi Wan. You’re my only hope. - Box 402, Yavin


SIGHTINGS:

Me: Lonely, loyal Captain laying down cover fire as you sought the throne room.
You: Strong-willed monarch. Though you’ve stepped down from your throne you remain Queen of my heart. Blue milk?


Me: Heart-broken and betrayed old-time fan feels left out of decision not to release original, unaltered version of first movie again. New Hope springs eternal.
You: Overlord of effects, film and merchandising Empire. Despite frustration I’d give left arm for tour of your ranch. Blue milk?

For more Star Wares Classified Ads, click the banner below,


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Darth Vader Is Not Clever, Pt. 1

Welcome to the rebellion. Once again, we can blame Spike TV's endless Star Wars summer for my new insights into formerly unnoticed, dusty corners of the Star Wars universe. It's been a while since I've immersed myself so consistently in Lucas' on-screen universe.

I'm afraid I've come to the conclusion that Darth Vader is not a creative thinker.

It's too bad too. We all had high hopes for the Emperor's protege. Darth's awe-inspiring first appearance in Star Wars introduced us to the ultimate control freak. The Vader of A New Hope feels like a malevolent force of darkness with absolute power over his troops; always one step ahead of his fearful followers. If only those pesky rebels were so easy to out-think.

Darth Vader's exchange with Admiral Motti, in which he warns the overconfident leader against the dangers of Death Star envy, reveals this dichotomy. It also clearly shows two individuals with more insight into each other than their own situations.

VADER: "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force."

Boo-Ya! Vader disses his number one back talker.

MOTTI: "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort..."

Ouch! Mottie scores. In your face Vader -- Gurk! Choke! Motti tries to continue but is strangled under Vader's mystical grip.

VADER: "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Whoa! Darth shows he's executive material by cutting through the niceties and literally going for the throat. Chalk one up for the schoolyard bully in the black cape.

Vader's main problem in the first film (The first film? The fourth? Shall we split the difference with a representative integer? Math is hard.) seems to be a lack of worthy candidates to delegate his myriad duties to. Find those rebels... Keep track of the secret plans... Lead the fighter squadron... Interrogate a Princess. Darth my man, you are one busy cyborg. Don't feel bad that nothing gets done unless you do it yourself. That's a lot of jobs for even for the most organized of middle managers. And I'll bet none of those duties were in the job description when you got hired by Emperor Palpatine.


If only you hadn't slaughtered all those highly competent Jedi Knights. Perhaps you could have enslaved a few and kept them around. They could have at least cleared up your paperwork so you could let off some steam as lead pilot to your Tie Fighter squadrons without letting so many other things slide.

In the end, Darth Vader tries to do it all himself as the rebels attack. And like so many stressed out, multi-tasking martyrs, he ends up burned out and suffering a (mechanical) breakdown.

After one film, we assume Vader is brilliant. After all, even the smartest people take on too much. We accept that he's the Empire's number one badass. Vader was tough enough that when Grand Mof Tarken mentioned the Emperor, I first assumed he was a puppet ruler. It's not until the much anticipated sequel, the Empire Strikes Back, that we discover the Emperor is the one pulling Vader's strings.

And what does the mysterious Emperor want? An escalation of violence. The same, unoriginal weapons used by petty dictators across the universe. To be fair, this is the only time the Emperor fails to rely on the guile that carried him to his powerful position. When it fails to get him what he wants he will return to his more effective, devious ways.


Vader excels at fulfilling his master's straightforward plan for dealing with the growing rebel threat. He is a man of action, after all. We will see over the course of the movies that follow how prone to action without forethought the Sith Lord is.

Everything goes well when Darth Vader plays to his strengths. The rebels are routed on Hoth and their base is overrun. Flush from his victory, the Sith Lord shows his first hint of adaptability in his search to capture the heroes of the rebellion, Han Solo, Leia Organa and his own son, Luke Skywalker. (We won't even get into how counter-productive it was to "hide" the baby Luke from Vader yet still give him Vader's family name. Not the most effective witness relocation program.)

Once again Vader delegates his search to others. But though he is failed by his own military industrial complex, Darth takes the extra step of hiring outside contractors: bounty hunters. Then Vader actually does some research and discovers Han and Lando Calrissian's on-again, off-again friendship. He makes ne'er-do-well Lando an offer he can't refuse and traps his rebels at last.

Filled with new-found managerial confidence, Vader proves that a good negotiator is also a man of his word, encasing Han Solo in carbonite, just as he threatened he would.

Serious B-A-D-A-S-S.

Perhaps it's true that working out stimulates the brain. Vader's just spent time in the bracing cold of an ice-planet kicking rebel butt... his version of a ski vacation. (He may have also added a vigorous work-out fighting off a Wampa attack on his snowtroopers into the mix. A deleted Hoth scene showed an unusually clever move by C3PO. He removes a warning label from their cell in a cut scene.)


Sadly, The Empire Strikes Back is the last time we see anything close to creative problem solving from Darth Vader. Thanks to retired blog Infinite Galaxy Of Fun and Blueharvest.net for the Wampa attaack info.

Next: Those who do not learn from the mistakes of the first film, are doomed to repeat them... in sequel after sequel.

END TRANSMISSION

Intercept: Death Star TV Listings - Blue Channel

Welcome to the rebellion. A plucky, laser-burned droid has supplied us with inside information on the Empire's cable, holo-movie schedule for this weekend. Enjoy.

BLUE CHANNEL
Your Propaganda and
Indoctrination Destination

Friday

5:00pm Lethal Wattoo

6:30pm Space Slickers II

8:00pm Lost In Translation Protocol & Droid’s Data Matrix

9:30pm Sex, Lies And Holograms

11:00pm Under The Tusken Sun

Saturday

12:30am Imperial Graffiti

2:00am Fear And Loathing in Mos Eisley

3:30am The Fleet And The Furious

5:00am Natural Born Sith Lords

7:00am Gone With The Windu

9:40pm Even Corellians Get The Blues

11:00am A Few Good Clones

12:30pm The Exorsith

2:00pm The Hunt For Red Leader

4:00pm Free Watto

5:45pm Beyond The Rim

7:15pm Skiffspotting

9:00pm Kill Boba Vol. 1

11:00pm The Alderaan Job

Sunday

12:30am Starship Stormtroopers

2:30am A History Of Rebellion

4:00am Children Of a Lesser Force

5:30am Being Han Solo

7:00am Jedi Jane

8:30am The Asteroid Of Dr. Moreau

10:00am Rebel Smackdown!:
Live From the former Alderaan System!

12:00pm Pirates Of Kamino

1:30pm The Mask Of Zuckuss

3:00pm An Officer And A Geonosian

4:30pm Stormtrooper And The Bandit

6:00pm Star Trek: Recycled

7:30pm The Last Temptation Of Anakin

9:00pm The Usual Rebels

10:30pm Reservoir Droids

END TRANSMISSION

Harsh Universe

Welcome to the rebellion. With Spike TV in the US becoming the 24 hour Star Wars channel lately, I've had the extended opportunity to have the revised, revamped and recycled trilogy prequel and the original three movies playing as I sat with my mucho delayed tax calculations.

With the dialogue failing to hold my attention and the actors so awestruck by being in a Star Wars movie they fail to bring personality to their roles (too much reverence and not enough irreverence), I had a chance to pay closer attention to the background scenery and design. Man, the designers really are the big stars on display.

One smart thing George Lucas did from the very start was to treat most of the technology like it's always existed. A movie set in L.A. wouldn't spend any time setting up what a phone is or how it works, they'd just use the dang thing and anyone who had never seen a phone would figure it out. "Oh, that thingie allows these two people to communicate."

But the more I watch the films the more I realize how technology doesn't make the lives of the people in his universe any better. It seems to take all the technology they can muster to hold a their savage natural world at bay.

The icy cold of Hoth is barely survivable. In fact, technology fails Luke completely in The Empire Strikes Back. Han must use his wits and survival skills to create a warm sleeping bag out of a fallen tauntaun.

Degobah plays havoc with Luke's X-Wing, the wild waters of Kamino are a deadly danger Obi-Wan must avoid at all costs, the burning volcanic sands of Mustafar claimed Anakin Skywalker's humanity (with the help of a little light saber chop chop, courtesy of his mentor, Obi Wan). And the seat of the Old Republic's Galactic Senate, Corsucant has conquered and obliterated any hint of nature and become an endless, crowded urban jungle.

But is life there better because of it? It doesn't seem so. Flying cars fill the skies, sin dens line the streets. It is as inhospitable as Geonosis has become, with its craggy craters and the run from it's droid factory. Perhaps only the serene and cheery Dexter Jexter of Coco Town's Dex's Diner finds this city planet preferable when compared to the inhospitable environments he has seen.

The only planets where there is any kind of harmony with the natural world are those whose technology hasn't encroached. Planets where the natural is respected and treated with reverence (now that's the place for reveerence). The Wookies and Ewoks live in harmony with their world as do the inhabitants of Naboo. Not coincidentally, the beings of these worlds seem to be the most peaceful and balanced creatures we see in the trilogies.

Are the designers sending a not so subtle message about rampant technology? Unfettered, technology provides few answers and often creates more problems; pollution, waste and destruction of natural environments being only the most obvious ones. Is this a quiet plea for a more measured and peaceful use of science? Perhaps.

More likely such decisions stemmed from creating as dramatic a backdrop to the main action as possible. Seeing hints of the natural and scientific worlds wrestling for domination adds to the compelling, human drama in the foreground. And when the human drama is played out with wooden dialogue, awkward, inconsistent character arcs and perfunctory direction, I'll take my drama anywhere I can find it.

END TRANSMISSION

Intercept: Star Wars Soap Sudz

Welcome to the rebellion. We have intercepted advance notice of this week's space opera plot lines.

(*Spoiler Alert!)

ALL MY TROOPERS – Trooper 551 covers up Trooper 613’s murderous rampage but his laser burns are too accurate to have been left by a Tusken Raider. Sy Snootle’s severed hand forces him to leave the Cantina Band for good.

AS THE DEATH STAR TURNS – Sasha is shocked to learn armaments droid Z48 plans to use the Super-Laser to blast out a new lake for Lance’s Naboo resort.

THE BOLD AND THE BOUNTY HUNTERS – Commander Tagge fumes over Azul’s “friendly” visit to pleasure droid T-Ashley3000. Jamal finds a holo-clipping which reveals the real story of Biggs ‘miraculous’ survival skills.

CORELLIAN STREET – The force is strong with Tiffany but when Bale refuses to fall for her Jedi mind tricks, she uses her metal bikini to tempt him toward the dark side.

GENERAL HOSPITAL FRIGATE – Leia learns Luke’s new hand has no fingerprints. Scorpio finds himself in over his head in the trash compactor. Lando’s new love song lands him in hot water with Vader.

GUIDING FORCE – Ridge stuns Brooke with his plan to oust Vader and turn Kaminoan’s Secret into Empire Lingerie, but has Lando heard too much?

ONE LIFE TO CLONE – Miranda’s water breaks while she’s trapped in Jabba’s pit. Bib contemplates what to do with Oola’s incriminating holo-disc.

PARSECS OF OUR LIVES – A mysterious figure skulks around Bo and Yoda’s semi-detached hut. Evil developer Stefan plots to terraform Degobah.

PORT COMET – Chewie confesses his love for Shmi. Blake is gunned down in Wattoo’s shop and replaced in the pod race by his evil clone.

THE YOUNG AND REBELLIOUS – Ami Dala begs Ken Orbie not to tell anyone she’s pregnant. On a romantic Bespin weekend, 3PO and R2 consummate their relationship in a heart-shaped oil bath.

ENTOUR-BARRAGE - When manager Evar Orbus is killed, Max Rebo must take the reins to keep the band together. Droopy McCool is determined to make a killing selling Oola's secret Jabba sex tape but no one in the universe wants to see that.

UGLY BINKS - Jar Jar loses the layouts of Vader's latest fashion spread and must create a new holo-shoot from scratch. Hmmm, meesa know a very hot former Queen who might show off the leather bustier she wear to impress Jedi she babysit.

END TRANSMISSION

Intercept: Latest Star Wars Holo Books

Welcome to the rebellion. The following book article was smuggled out of an Empire newspaper and cost the lives of eight valued rebels. We hope it helps you make wiser summer reading choices.

SPACE CAPSULE REVIEWS

Aiwha Soup For The Soul by Depak Chewbacca - Another warm fuzzy, love yourself hug from the universe’s most centered creature. If all of us could go through life with the faith and love that this guy has, there’d be no rebellion. We’d just kick back in a hammock with those rebel scum and share a brew. But we’re not, so we won’t. Death to the Rebellion!

In Cold Blood by Boba Fett – The most frightening glimpse into the mind of a killing machine since Abattoir Droid J-101’s children’s primer, See Spot Kill. Fett conveys his sorrow at the loss of his DNA father, Jango, with far more effectiveness and patience than Lucasfilm’s lazy, directionless, wooden, souless, characterless, emotionally bereft, empty movie version of Boba’s life, Star Wars Episode Pi, Attack Of The Crap. But I digress. Love them or hate them, you’ll never look at bounty hunters the same way again. A must read.

Jabba Dearest by Bib Fortuna – (*Spoiler Alert!) A lethal cocktail of avarice, dishonesty and revenge spice up this fascinating glimpse into the psyche of one of the most disgusting, feared creatures in the Galactic underworld. When you’re not throwing up from the graphic descriptions of Jabba’s intimate interactions with his slave trade, you’ll fascinated by the intelligence with which he built his private empire. And it’s all anchored by a surprisingly tender love story with dancing girl, Oola, heir to his empire… until Jabba feeds her to a rancor.

Dune Sea by Frank Herbert - Much more engaging than his previous holo book, Beach Blanket Bongo Party People Of Dune, Herbert has returned to the socio-political trappings of his greatest triumphs. Frank has fired all eighteen editors of his last effort, despite the fact that it made more than all of his other holos combined. An engaging read, at least the parts I stayed awake for.

The Jundland Wasteland by TS-3PE-lliot – A handsome annotated edition of the famous Sith poet’s epic decent into the madness of the Dark Side. Not compelling reading but he Emperor comp-els you to read it. Or suffer the consequences.

The Dooku Code by Dan Dan Binks – An endlessly readable thriller that follows the secret of the lost Jedi archives buried deep within an ancient holo-portrait. The tale carries you along at such a brisk pace you won’t have time to notice the ridiculous plot contrivances, complete lack of individual characters and plot holes you could fly an escaping smuggler’s Millennium Falcon through.

Postcards From The Dark Side by Lord Vader – What can one say about a book written by one of the supreme powers in the Empire? A power well-known for his long memory and distaste for weak-willed disobedience? Thankfully, it’s a witty self-effacing joy to read. And Lord Vader shows a surprising talent for clever, authentic-sounding dialogue. I wish it were twice as long. And you can tell Lord Vader I said so. Seriously, please tell Vader what I said and beg his forgiveness for losing Solo. He's one tricky Corellian.

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Superbad

Welcome to the rebellion. They don't come any smoother than
General Lando Calrissian, from the Star System of Suave.



Feet on the dance floor. Head in the cloud city, baby. Work it, superstar!

Mmm hmmm!

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Intercept: The Skywalkers Talk The Skywalk

Welcome to the rebellion. This Rebel Alert post from Tatooine was just intercepted and decoded:

Yo fellow rebels! We had another Death Star Survivor's reunion here on Mos Eisley Cantina and Wedge Antilles brought his DHD (Digital Holo-disc) of season one of the Skywalkers. Hilarious! Here are some of our favourite moments and quotes from the first season...

“30, 800 degrees and cloudy? Who cares what the weather’s like on Yavin’s second sun? What the Frak?! I’m stuck on the secure weather channel. AHHH! Make it stop!”
-Anakin confuses the remote control with his electric shaver.

“He’s not the sort of child who likes to hang out at the mall.”
-Padme talks about how sensitive Luke is while we see him in the background, stabbing the bejeezus out of a couch with his Swiss Army Lightsabre.

“Absolute dictator of the universe – gravy-maker extraordinaire. Oh Frak!! I dropped the gravy boat thingie.”
-Anakin tries his hand at cooking.

“I don’t give a scrag what people think about my hair. It’s my hair, so why should they care? Oooh, that rhymes!”
-Leia shaves her head.

Padme: “Leia just called from the pet depot.”
Anakin: “No! No! Forget it! No!”
Padme: “Don’t you even want to know what...”
Anakin: “If it’s a living thing, no! She can't bring it the frak home. It’s like a freaking zoo planet around here. They're like animals, and I'll slaughter them like animals! I hate them!
-Anakin shares his warm views on nature.


“Dad, you have serious anger-management issues.”
-Leia, after Anakin levitated her personal shuttle into the pool.

“Here puss... puss...”
-Luke, dressed in ill-fitting, full stormtrooper armour, prowls the house with a pulse rifle looking for the family’s pet womp rat.

“Bubbles? I can't have a bubble bath! Come on Padme, I’m frakking Darth Vader. The D man. I’m the Prince of skragging Darkness. Evil! What’s so frakking evil about a tub full of bubbles?”
-Anakin has a bath time breakdown.


See what else is on the Death Star's Holo-Channels this week.


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Intercept: Star Wars Reality Check

Welcome to the rebellion. This dispatch just in from the Imperial News Subspace channel:

Reality Shows Rule Roost In Upcoming Fall Holo-Season

Despite cries of foul play from rebel drama producers, reality shows continue to dominate the fall schedules of all the major networks. Troops, the grand-daddy of reality programs, continues to patrol the airwaves on SBS (the Solar Broadcasting Service) while pot-bellied, cackling miscreant and stand-up Kowackian monkey lizard Salacious B. Crumb will once again host The Empire’s Funniest Interrogation Videos.

The hotter than hot, Imperial financed So You Think You Can Commit Galactic Genocide returns for another season of letting average beings power up the Death Star as they answer skill-challenging questions to earn the right to blast their least favourite planetary system from the star charts.

Spurned on by the success of these classic ratings-winners, a whole new crop plans to take the new season by storm. There’s plenty to choose from for those who love watching spoiled rich brats behave like drunken, rebel scum. In addition to the return of The Skywalkers, you can pop the cork on your smuggled bottle of Cristal for Keeping Up With The Calrissians and see just how badly Lando’s brood can behave.

Star Circus finds D-List celebrities like Lobot, Captain Panaka and cute as a tribble Wicket the Ewok trying to reboot their careers by learning Jedi-like skills: trapeze flying across bottomless Death Star shafts, tightrope walking above a hungry Sarlaac and playing sabbac with a wookie. Yawn… Zzzzz. Oops, excuse me. I must have dozed off out of er, excitement. Look for that one to drop from the line-up quickly.

Here are some of our top picks for the new reality season:

Sponsored by:







Bounty Hunter Eye For The Straight Guy

Tuesdays at 8 pm on SithTime

Let’s face it, most straight beings can’t tell Egyptian cotton from a pulse cannon. But this hot, new show has the cure – have five bounty hunters work their magic on the poor shmuck and let the results speak for themselves. During each episode, a protocol droid, a demolition expert, a tentacle-to-tentacle combat expert, a hair stylist and an armourer critique every aspect of a style-deficient, straight stormtrooper’s life. With devastating one-liners and a thorough beating, they pinpoint all the inadequacies that keep their charge from hooking up.

You’d think there’d be animosity between these five straight shooters and the straight man, and you’d be right. So far only three contestants in season one have survived the experience. This has got hit written all over it!

Joe Emperor

Wednesdays at 9 pm on GBC (Galactic Broadcasting Corporation)

What’s not to love? The most beautiful species from across the universe compete to arouse the amorous attentions of our Imperial Emperor. But who is really inside that robe? These beauties are in for a surprise when they find out their lord and master is really a disguised Hammerhead terra-farmer from the Outer Rim.

Han And Leia: The Newlyrebels

Friday at 9:00 on the Rebel Network

Everyone loves a train wreck and despite heavy odds that this couple won’t make it through the first season, The Newlyrebels is garnering respectable ratings. Turns out living with a princess ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Without droids to clean up after her, Leia is a complete slob. And Han’s love of partying all night on Coruscant with his co-pilot isn’t winning him any points with the old lady. Expect this marriage, and this show, to crash and burn within three seasons.

The Jedi Apprentice

Thursdays at 8:00 pm on the Rebel Network

The reclusive Jedi Master Yodi steps out of retirement and proves that despite hisdiminuative size, he’s one badass mother*$%#er to work for. Contestants compete for the prestigious position of Yoda’s apprentice. Jogs through swampland and bikini-waxing challenges will keep each contestant on their toes, assuming their species have toes. But the backbiting and competitive atmosphere will take each creature tantalizingly close to the Dark Side.

Each week Yoda meets the contestants outside his hovel and fires one of their alien asses without mercy. “There is only do or do not. So fired you are!”

We predict this one will be a blockbuster. An Empire-based follow-up edition, The Appren-Sith is already before the cameras.


Survivor: Hoth

Fridays at 8 pm on Holovision One

One competing network exec has said you can't kill this franchise with a lightsaber. And he's right. Don’t expect any bikinis in the follow-up to Survivor: Degobah. The latest installment, Survivor: Hoth, will maroon two tribes of competitors in nothing but parkas and moon boots. With temperatures reaching negative 200 degrees Kelvin, any exposed, nubile flesh will freeze, atrophy and die within milliseconds. The best we can hope for is some fratic coupling inside a warm and cosy, freshly-killed tauntaun.

The Miss Intergalactic Beauty Pageant

GBC (Galactic Broadcasting Corporation)

The Miss Intergalactic Beauty Pageant returns, stronger than ever. The perennial favourite celebrates it’s 6oo th year with a live extravaganza from Jabba The Hutt’s Pleasure Palace overlooking the Spice Mines of Kessil. As usual, Jabba plans to make it a night to remember. The evening will feature commentary and stand-up by Kowakian monkey lizard Salacious B. Crumb. Galactic Idol winner Clay Fortuna – no relation to Bib we’re told, yeah right – is scheduled to perform his hit single, Tonight Is A Night Like No Other Night Unless You Count The Night I Had Last Night (Which Was A Pretty Good Night).

Due to recent uproar over chauvinism, the pageant is undergoing some progressive changes. Several of the surviving rebel protesters from last year have been sold into slavery and will actually be doped-up competitors this time around. Also, contestants and the live audience will not be informed of the scoring as the night goes on. For a small fee, home viewers will be able to keep tabs on the progress of the ladies. The duel to the death cage match between the top ten ladies will be replaced with a fake firing squad. Only one of the laser rifles won’t be charged, leaving the winner a completely random choice.

Host duties this year will be handled by Lando Calrissian (Late Night With Lando and the sitcom hit, Full Detention Block). Calrissian is a last minute replacement for the recently deceased Greedo. A short video tribute to Greedo, the event’s host for 42 years, will kick off the Environment Suit Competition. Former Miss Intergalactic, Oola the dancing girl, is scheduled to sing Greedo’s theme song, Solo Shot First.

The Skywalkers

Saturdays at 10 pm on Holo Box Office

Last cycle, the universe’s first family of the Force allowed holo-cameras into their home and billions of viewers were hooked. Normally the Jedi and Sith live in a galaxy far, far away. This show definitely brings their dysfunctional world too, too close for comfort.

Prepare for another season with the ‘Prince Of @#%king Darkness’ and his brood. This season, Luke returns from rehab after his speeder bike accident, Leia dyes her hair plaid and records a punk-polka album, Padme shoots her own cooking show while Anakin goes on tour, wiping out audiences and populations across the solar system on his You Resist You Die tour.

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Good Grief, Jedi Brown!

Welcome to the rebellion. Much of the feedback we received on the Death Star Repairmen website centered on a particular aspect of the original Imperial News: the comics. Obsessed with celebrating the mundane aspects of life in the Star Wars universe I was determined to parody today's comics as they might appear in a galaxy far, far away, complete with the philosophical underpinnings of both the Empire and the Rebellion.

When I drew Jedi Brown, several pieces were meant to be longer, as if they were Sunday pages. But I had to draw them in two parts and dang if Mr. Gold didn't post them as separate pieces. And to my surprise they work surprisingly well!

But you can decide for yourself. Here are the two Jedi Brown strips posted in two parts each. Which way do you think works better?

In the first comic, Jedi Brown has far more moral dilemmas than any young Padawan should bear...




Naturally, I took an established pattern from Charles Schultz (you simply can't top the master) and his own philosophy works surprisingly well in Lucas' universe. Though Jedi Brown's final concern in the first half isn't a gag per say, it could be considered a big enough about face to wrap up the comic on an unexpected but there's something more satisfying about the two put together as a whole. Pure Schultz.

Here's the second split up 'toon...


These ones really do work equally well together and separately. If I had planned it better I would have swapped the order of the final two panels in Part One. The Jabba line is a better blow than the current last panel, which feels unfinished. But doesn't Boba Fett make a heck of a Pigpen?

Check out more of the Imperial News original comics section and explore the rest of the issue. There's lots of fun stuff.

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