Intercept: Death Star TV Listings - Vader's Classics Yellow Channel

Welcome to the rebellion. 

For your weekend viewing pleasure we have hacked into Imperial databases and retrieved this weekend's Yellow Channel, Pay-Per-Holo movie schedule. Enjoy.

YELLOW CHANNEL: Vader Classics

Friday

5:00pm    Bridge On the Comet Kwai (drama, 2 hrs)

7:00 pm   The Droid Who Knew Too Much (thriller, 2 hrs)

9:00pm    Anakin Presley Double Feature:

                          Jawa Happy (musical , 90 min)/

                                Blue Tatooine (musical, 90 min)

Saturday

12:00am   One Flew Over The Peko-Peko’s Nest (2 1/2 hrs)

2:30am     All Quiet On The Wookie Front (90 min)

4:00am     Arsenic And Old Space (screwball comedy, 90 min)

5:30am     A Landspeeder Named Desire (drama, 90 min)

7:00am     Kessil Miner’s Daughter (bio, 90 min)

8:30am     The Maltese Millenium Falcon (film noir, 90 min)

10:00am   The Bespin Connection (crime, 90 min)

11:30am    A Star Is Destroyed (musical/drama, 90 min)

1:00pm     A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Force

                                                (musical comedy, 90 min)

2:30pm     To Kill a Mynock (courtroom drama, 2 hrs)

4:30pm     Not Without My Droid (thriller, Sally Fett, 90 min)

6:00pm     Wuthering Hutt (costume drama, 90 min)

7:30pm     Bringing Up Boba (screwball comedy, 90 min)

9:00pm     Anakin Presley Double Feature:

                             Viva Mos Eisley (musical, 90 min)/

                                      Jailhouse Ewok (musical, 90 min)

Sunday

12:00am   Guess Who’s Coming To Degobah? (drama, 1 hr, 45 min)

1:45am     Hello, Dooku! (musical, 2 hrs)

3:45am     Breakfast At Tarkins (effervescent, fluffy drama, 1 hr, 45 min)

5:30am     Little Wookies (period drama, 90 min)

7:00am     The Unsinkable Wedge Antilles (musical, 2 hrs)

9:00am     Stage Door Cantina (musical/romance, 90 min)

10:30am   Meet Me In Mos Espa (musical, 90 min)

12:00 pm  Lando Sings The Blues (musical bio, 2 hrs)

2:00pm     Some Like It Hoth (screwball comedy, 90 min)

3:30pm     Willie Wampa And the Icicle Factory (children, 2 hrs)

5:30pm     On Her Majesty’s Rebel Service (spy thriller, 2 hrs)

7:30pm     Strange Brew (comedy, 90 min)

9:00pm     Anakin Presley Double Feature:

                         Stay Away Jedi! (musical, 90 min)/

                               Wookies! Wookies! Wookies! (musical, 90 min)

END TRANSMISSION

Introducing... Boba Fett

Welcome to the rebellion. I went absolutely bonkers for this cartoon as a kid, when it aired as part of the infamous Star Wars Christmas Special. The first screen appearance of Boba Fett was easily the best part of the show.



The animated short was like nothing I'd ever seen. The designs are part ILM/part fairground caricature artist/70's underground comix and it was our first ever look at badass Boba Fett. Even though Boba never actually does anything in this, it was all about the tease. This dude had potential to rival Darth Vader in coolness.

From small screen...


...to tall screen.

For a young Canuck like me, the most amazing thing was that this short was by by an upstart Canadian company named Nelvana, now one of the largest animation companies in the world.

It somehow made the possibility of being connected to that Hollywood/Star Wars universe so far, far way seem less remote. They so impressed George Lucas this short became a precursor to is a precursor to their later Droids and Ewoks series.

At the time they were making animated shorts in their Small Star Cinema series and moved into really unique, and awesome animated specials like their early Christmas Two-Step, their breakthrough production was A Cosmic Christmas. (Don't believe me? View it here!).

And of course, the Halloween special, The Devil And Daniel Mouse...

Which inspired their ambitious feature debut, Rock And Rule!

After the Star Wars Christmas Special, Nelvana continued the galactic holiday themed specials with Intergalactic Thanksgiving, Romie-0 and Julie-8, Take Me Up To the Ball Game and the not so sci-fi Easter Fever (the very first animation voice credit for Maurice LaMarche: voice of "The Brain" from Pinky & The Brain!).

All fun, unique specials. But this really is about Boba Fett. He's a man of few words but we'll give him the last words today.

Bad... Ass.

END TRANSMISSION

Fan Expo Toronto - Top 10

Welcome to the rebellion. The Toronto Fan Expo Sci-Fi /Horror/Anime/Gaming and Comicon started yesterday. Here are few things that stood out to me:

10. The 501st Canadian Legion.

The Canadian garrison of the self-proclaimed "world's premier Imperial Star Wars costuming fan club", made their presence felt with a table right outside the entrance to the hall. You may or may not know that the 501st Legion is comprised of people who make and ear their own stormtrooper and related Star Wars costumes and uniforms. They do appearances, help raise money for charity and share their passion for cos-play with each other.

For those who aren't sure what cosplay is, good old Winkepedia defines it as follows: "Cosplay... short for "costume play", is a type of performance art whose participants outfit themselves, with often elaborate costumes and accessories, as a specific character."

Members of the 501st roamed the convention posing for pictures and spreading the Star Wars love but I do wish the people at the table were more enthusiastic. When I checked them out they seemed tired already and it was only a couple of hours into the day. It's possible they're just shy. It's much easier to interact with strangers from behind a helmet.

Rather than chat me up while he had me in person, the out of uniform "Commanding Officer" handed me his card and suggested I check out the website. And this is right after I told him I had seen the website and was curious about them. If this ass-backwards approach is a common denominator in all stormtrooper business, then it goes pretty far in helping me realize why stormtroopers are such bad blaster shots.

9. Hardcore Nerdity.com.

A new social networking site for science fiction and fantasy geeks with one of the best names ever. It looks like Jonathan Lire, formerly of Space: The Imagination Station in Canada, is one of the people behind the idea. They were just inside the main entrance offering a chance to win a Smart Car for joining... IF they happen to get 10, 000 new members to sign over the course of the Fan Expo weekend.

Sure the odds of that car coming into play aren't good, but rather than declare the promotion a bait and switch, they prefer to think of it as optimistic. It';s good encouragement for people to join and to invite others to give it a try. Why not try out a site where you know in advance people won't thumb their noses at your geek credentials?

I took the invite from my friend Casey, who was proudly earing her home-made Battlestar Galactica jacket. Casey is an actress as well as a stunt fight performer. I started to calculate the odds of the car contest getting activated, but then realized you simply don't quote the numbers to a woman who can kick your ass! :)

I wish www.hardcorenerdity.com all the best for it's beta launch.

8. Rue Morgue's dead body.

Rue Morgue the awesome Canadian horror magazine, placed a realistic murder victim on the floor outside their booth and many a passerby were laying down next it to pose for those hard to get "suicide pact" shots that really make your vacation slide shows sing.

7. Rob Walton's gorgeous prints aping Marvel Comic's Secret Invasion Skrull covers.

Cartoonist Walton whipped up a Betty and Veronica cover featuring them as Skrull teens discussing subjugating the boys and a terrific Skrullified version of Mary Jane Watson's first appearance as drawn by John Romita. "Face it tiger, you've hit the jackpot!" Check out more of this brilliant under-used talent at his blog.

Do yourself a favour and check out Rob's collected Ragmop trade paperback. You can find details here.

6. Henry Winkler is super-friendly, focused guy.

With a hilarious run in Arrested Development,very down to earth advice given to Scott Baio over the phone in Scott Baio is Thirty-Nine and Single, and all the excitement over the Bronze Fonz unveiled in Milwaukie, where not a single frame of Happy Days was shot to my recollection). Henry Winkler's popularity has been on a much-deserved upswing.



Rather than stand behind his table, The former Fonz greeted people with a warm, two-handed handshake and walked them to his table. He's big on eye contact and often kept holding their hand or put a hand on their arm as people shared how welcome he was in their home over the years. But his line moved extremely fast. Winkler had given each person some one-on-one time without wasting a minute down to a science. Everyone walked away with a special moment... except me of course.

I was next to shake his hand but then realized two things; I didn't have money for a copy of one of his kid's books or a picture and signature, and I was late for the Hoverboy panel! So I smiled at him, pretending I was with the Father and Son he 'd just greeted and slinked away!

In retrospect, the only thing that would have made his table complete would have been a shark for people to jump over as they approached.

Check out Mr. Winkler's series of Hank Zipper books, about the world's greatest, dyslexic underachiever.

5. Artists' Alley.

I got a bunch of great sketches from this year's bad ass crop of comic scribblers and I hate to say it but the young bucks kicked the older artist's asses this time around. They really went all out and once you get one really hot sketch in your sketchbook, the next guy's got to top it!

The secret? Try to group your sketches each year around artists who know each other. They'll instantly get competitive. At another recent convention, I got a super sketch from Kalman Andrasofszky because he got to draw a tuxedo! It was a character Kalman had never done before and it turns he just plain digs drawing tuxedos!

When I pitched another bizarre character, Kalman laughed and basically dared me to get Butternut Squash, Kukuburi and DC artist Ramon Pérez to draw it. "He loves that crazy stuff!" How could Ramon say no to that? And his sketch kicked so much ass that everyone after him had to bring their "A" game! Seriously, it dripped so much manly machismo I had to shake the sketchbook before letting anyone draw in it again. And damned if Deadend 56 artist Andy Belanger didn't top it! (Don't worry, I'll post sketches online sometime in the next few months)

The one drag? Some of the artists I had hoped to get sketches from weren't drawing this time out. Adam Hughes injured his hand, Stuart Immonen stopped drawing at conventions a while ago and even published a book collecting his webcomic about it, 50 Reasons to Stop Sketching at Conventions. But Stuart and Kathryn were terrific to talk to and had lots of stuff for sale. And I got to pass on a hello a mutual friend asked me to send about four years ago!

Check out their weekly webcomic, Moving Pictures.

It was also great to run into talented artists like Agnes Garbowska and the way cool Laurie Breitkreuz, who bring girl power and serious magic with their flashing pens. They also bring the entertaining bonus of watching fanboys develop little crushes on them as they chatted.

So for now the number one thing at Fan Expo?

4. Super Moms.

I ran into a few uber-cool Moms taking their kids to the convention. They also actually speak to people as they wait in line.

I wish I remembered the name of the delightful mother in line with me to meet Brent Spiner (Yeah, I said it... in line to meet Commander Data. Wanna make something of it?). She has embraced her teenage interests and believe me, that family take that convention with a carefully orchestrated and timed plan of attack!

She gave me the straight goods on Jeremy Bulloch (charming, full of stories and appeared in no less than three Bond films), Henry Winkler (she's the one who convinced me to line up for him) and Kate Mulgrew (Too many restrictions and not very available).

Her sons recoiled when she threatened to wear a costume if she could decide who to be next year. I suggested Wilma Dearing as portrayed by Erin Grey in the Buck Rogers TV series. After several people in line around us agreed that Erin Gray was the reason spandex was invented, I think she's delighted enough with the idea to do it!

3. Sushi. Seriously.

The food court lines for the pizza kiosk and hot dog vendor were endless. Not so for the sushi. People were wary of trusting it I guess. I stuck to the vegetarian wraps and sandwiches they offered and was fed and out of there before people who arrived at the same time even got to the pizza counter.

2. Carpeting.

After walking on concrete for several hours I found myself at a game demo I was uninterested in simply so I could stand on their cushy swatch of carpeting. i Is it too much to ask for carpeted aisles? Yes, I suppose it is.

1. Drumroll please. Our number one thing about Fan Expo this year is...

HOVERBOY!!!

Yup, Hoverboy is number one with a bucket!

Not only is Hoverboy the greatest comic super-hero of all time (who didn't grow up wanting to wear a bucket on their head and float several inches off the kitchen floor to get to that hard to reach cookie cupboard?), he's also the worst super-hero of all time, all rolled into one! Marcus Moore's obsession has never failed to inspire others to jump on his bucket bandwagon. The premiere, one-shot issue of Mr. Comic's Hoverboy is garnering terrific fan reaction.

I got into Hoverboy through my sister, Stephanie, who starred in the Hoverboy musical for kids, "I Will Not Pail" at her school. She would play that album over and over as she danced in her Hoverboy flammable jammies and made hovershawls on her Hoverboy Loom set.

The day she got her hair caught in the loom may have been a dark one for her follicles but not for her little brub brub. After losing all her hair she gave me her entire Hoverboy collection and punked out. Score!

Anyhow, creator Marcus Moore, along with Ty Templeton and Rick Green (Of Prisoners of Gravity fame) are having a blast rebuilding the franchise. You can spend an afternoon looking through the extensive Hoverboy site here. (It's almost as good as my own Imperial News! (Okay, okay. It's better. The bastards.)

Do yourself a favour and check out the Hoverboy cartoons that started this madness. They truly rock.

It's the greatest in-joke comic of all because it's not an in-joke at all. Check out their wonderful site and buy a copy of the comic. You'll be glad you joined the bucket brigade.

"It's time for fists!"

END TRANSMISSION

Intercept: Death Star TV Listings - Red Channel

Welcome to the rebellion. For your weekend viewing pleasure we have hacked into Imperial databases and retrieved this weekend's Pay-Per-Holo movie schedule. Enjoy.

RED CHANNEL: Home Box Holo

Friday

5:00pm Wag The Dianoga

7:00pm Pretty Wookie

8:30pm Team Empire: Space Police

10:00pm Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sithhood

Saturday

12:00am The Neverending Sequels

1:30am Rancor Dundee II

3:00am Pee Wee’s Big Empire

4:30am That Darn Sarlacc

6:00am Womprats In Paris

7:30am 101 Dianogas

9:00am My Cousin Dengar

10:30am Droid Story

12:00pm Imperial Pie III

1:30pm Peggy Sue Got Vaporized

3:30pm It’s A Wonderful Force

5:15pm Memoirs Of A Jedi

7:15pm Dennis The Phantom Menace

9:00pm Finding Wattoo

11:00pm Nightmare On Coruscant: Jek Porkin’s Revenge

Sunday

1:00am Dial “M” For Mynock

2:30am Bend It Like Boba

4:00am Lando And Hardy: Silent Holo Classics

4:45am Anakin Scorsese’s Age Of Imperialism

6:00am Fat Akbar

7:30am A Hard Day’s Flight

9:00am Meet The Sperm Donors

10:30pm Howard The Duck

12:00pm Spacey Movie III

1:30pm Good Wattoo Hunting

3:30pm Miracle In 34th Quadrant

5:00pm Imperial Psycho

6:30pm Naboo Hill

8:00pm The Incredible Hutt

10:00pm Star Trek: Try, Try Again

END TRANSMISSION

Darth Vader Is Not Clever, Pt. 1

Welcome to the rebellion. Once again, we can blame Spike TV's endless Star Wars summer for my new insights into formerly unnoticed, dusty corners of the Star Wars universe. It's been a while since I've immersed myself so consistently in Lucas' on-screen universe.

I'm afraid I've come to the conclusion that Darth Vader is not a creative thinker.

It's too bad too. We all had high hopes for the Emperor's protege. Darth's awe-inspiring first appearance in Star Wars introduced us to the ultimate control freak. The Vader of A New Hope feels like a malevolent force of darkness with absolute power over his troops; always one step ahead of his fearful followers. If only those pesky rebels were so easy to out-think.

Darth Vader's exchange with Admiral Motti, in which he warns the overconfident leader against the dangers of Death Star envy, reveals this dichotomy. It also clearly shows two individuals with more insight into each other than their own situations.

VADER: "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force."

Boo-Ya! Vader disses his number one back talker.

MOTTI: "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort..."

Ouch! Mottie scores. In your face Vader -- Gurk! Choke! Motti tries to continue but is strangled under Vader's mystical grip.

VADER: "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Whoa! Darth shows he's executive material by cutting through the niceties and literally going for the throat. Chalk one up for the schoolyard bully in the black cape.

Vader's main problem in the first film (The first film? The fourth? Shall we split the difference with a representative integer? Math is hard.) seems to be a lack of worthy candidates to delegate his myriad duties to. Find those rebels... Keep track of the secret plans... Lead the fighter squadron... Interrogate a Princess. Darth my man, you are one busy cyborg. Don't feel bad that nothing gets done unless you do it yourself. That's a lot of jobs for even for the most organized of middle managers. And I'll bet none of those duties were in the job description when you got hired by Emperor Palpatine.


If only you hadn't slaughtered all those highly competent Jedi Knights. Perhaps you could have enslaved a few and kept them around. They could have at least cleared up your paperwork so you could let off some steam as lead pilot to your Tie Fighter squadrons without letting so many other things slide.

In the end, Darth Vader tries to do it all himself as the rebels attack. And like so many stressed out, multi-tasking martyrs, he ends up burned out and suffering a (mechanical) breakdown.

After one film, we assume Vader is brilliant. After all, even the smartest people take on too much. We accept that he's the Empire's number one badass. Vader was tough enough that when Grand Mof Tarken mentioned the Emperor, I first assumed he was a puppet ruler. It's not until the much anticipated sequel, the Empire Strikes Back, that we discover the Emperor is the one pulling Vader's strings.

And what does the mysterious Emperor want? An escalation of violence. The same, unoriginal weapons used by petty dictators across the universe. To be fair, this is the only time the Emperor fails to rely on the guile that carried him to his powerful position. When it fails to get him what he wants he will return to his more effective, devious ways.


Vader excels at fulfilling his master's straightforward plan for dealing with the growing rebel threat. He is a man of action, after all. We will see over the course of the movies that follow how prone to action without forethought the Sith Lord is.

Everything goes well when Darth Vader plays to his strengths. The rebels are routed on Hoth and their base is overrun. Flush from his victory, the Sith Lord shows his first hint of adaptability in his search to capture the heroes of the rebellion, Han Solo, Leia Organa and his own son, Luke Skywalker. (We won't even get into how counter-productive it was to "hide" the baby Luke from Vader yet still give him Vader's family name. Not the most effective witness relocation program.)

Once again Vader delegates his search to others. But though he is failed by his own military industrial complex, Darth takes the extra step of hiring outside contractors: bounty hunters. Then Vader actually does some research and discovers Han and Lando Calrissian's on-again, off-again friendship. He makes ne'er-do-well Lando an offer he can't refuse and traps his rebels at last.

Filled with new-found managerial confidence, Vader proves that a good negotiator is also a man of his word, encasing Han Solo in carbonite, just as he threatened he would.

Serious B-A-D-A-S-S.

Perhaps it's true that working out stimulates the brain. Vader's just spent time in the bracing cold of an ice-planet kicking rebel butt... his version of a ski vacation. (He may have also added a vigorous work-out fighting off a Wampa attack on his snowtroopers into the mix. A deleted Hoth scene showed an unusually clever move by C3PO. He removes a warning label from their cell in a cut scene.)


Sadly, The Empire Strikes Back is the last time we see anything close to creative problem solving from Darth Vader. Thanks to retired blog Infinite Galaxy Of Fun and Blueharvest.net for the Wampa attaack info.

Next: Those who do not learn from the mistakes of the first film, are doomed to repeat them... in sequel after sequel.

END TRANSMISSION

Intercept: Death Star TV Listings - Blue Channel

Welcome to the rebellion. A plucky, laser-burned droid has supplied us with inside information on the Empire's cable, holo-movie schedule for this weekend. Enjoy.

BLUE CHANNEL
Your Propaganda and
Indoctrination Destination

Friday

5:00pm Lethal Wattoo

6:30pm Space Slickers II

8:00pm Lost In Translation Protocol & Droid’s Data Matrix

9:30pm Sex, Lies And Holograms

11:00pm Under The Tusken Sun

Saturday

12:30am Imperial Graffiti

2:00am Fear And Loathing in Mos Eisley

3:30am The Fleet And The Furious

5:00am Natural Born Sith Lords

7:00am Gone With The Windu

9:40pm Even Corellians Get The Blues

11:00am A Few Good Clones

12:30pm The Exorsith

2:00pm The Hunt For Red Leader

4:00pm Free Watto

5:45pm Beyond The Rim

7:15pm Skiffspotting

9:00pm Kill Boba Vol. 1

11:00pm The Alderaan Job

Sunday

12:30am Starship Stormtroopers

2:30am A History Of Rebellion

4:00am Children Of a Lesser Force

5:30am Being Han Solo

7:00am Jedi Jane

8:30am The Asteroid Of Dr. Moreau

10:00am Rebel Smackdown!:
Live From the former Alderaan System!

12:00pm Pirates Of Kamino

1:30pm The Mask Of Zuckuss

3:00pm An Officer And A Geonosian

4:30pm Stormtrooper And The Bandit

6:00pm Star Trek: Recycled

7:30pm The Last Temptation Of Anakin

9:00pm The Usual Rebels

10:30pm Reservoir Droids

END TRANSMISSION

Harsh Universe

Welcome to the rebellion. With Spike TV in the US becoming the 24 hour Star Wars channel lately, I've had the extended opportunity to have the revised, revamped and recycled trilogy prequel and the original three movies playing as I sat with my mucho delayed tax calculations.

With the dialogue failing to hold my attention and the actors so awestruck by being in a Star Wars movie they fail to bring personality to their roles (too much reverence and not enough irreverence), I had a chance to pay closer attention to the background scenery and design. Man, the designers really are the big stars on display.

One smart thing George Lucas did from the very start was to treat most of the technology like it's always existed. A movie set in L.A. wouldn't spend any time setting up what a phone is or how it works, they'd just use the dang thing and anyone who had never seen a phone would figure it out. "Oh, that thingie allows these two people to communicate."

But the more I watch the films the more I realize how technology doesn't make the lives of the people in his universe any better. It seems to take all the technology they can muster to hold a their savage natural world at bay.

The icy cold of Hoth is barely survivable. In fact, technology fails Luke completely in The Empire Strikes Back. Han must use his wits and survival skills to create a warm sleeping bag out of a fallen tauntaun.

Degobah plays havoc with Luke's X-Wing, the wild waters of Kamino are a deadly danger Obi-Wan must avoid at all costs, the burning volcanic sands of Mustafar claimed Anakin Skywalker's humanity (with the help of a little light saber chop chop, courtesy of his mentor, Obi Wan). And the seat of the Old Republic's Galactic Senate, Corsucant has conquered and obliterated any hint of nature and become an endless, crowded urban jungle.

But is life there better because of it? It doesn't seem so. Flying cars fill the skies, sin dens line the streets. It is as inhospitable as Geonosis has become, with its craggy craters and the run from it's droid factory. Perhaps only the serene and cheery Dexter Jexter of Coco Town's Dex's Diner finds this city planet preferable when compared to the inhospitable environments he has seen.

The only planets where there is any kind of harmony with the natural world are those whose technology hasn't encroached. Planets where the natural is respected and treated with reverence (now that's the place for reveerence). The Wookies and Ewoks live in harmony with their world as do the inhabitants of Naboo. Not coincidentally, the beings of these worlds seem to be the most peaceful and balanced creatures we see in the trilogies.

Are the designers sending a not so subtle message about rampant technology? Unfettered, technology provides few answers and often creates more problems; pollution, waste and destruction of natural environments being only the most obvious ones. Is this a quiet plea for a more measured and peaceful use of science? Perhaps.

More likely such decisions stemmed from creating as dramatic a backdrop to the main action as possible. Seeing hints of the natural and scientific worlds wrestling for domination adds to the compelling, human drama in the foreground. And when the human drama is played out with wooden dialogue, awkward, inconsistent character arcs and perfunctory direction, I'll take my drama anywhere I can find it.

END TRANSMISSION

Intercept: Star Wars Reality Check

Welcome to the rebellion. This dispatch just in from the Imperial News Subspace channel:

Reality Shows Rule Roost In Upcoming Fall Holo-Season

Despite cries of foul play from rebel drama producers, reality shows continue to dominate the fall schedules of all the major networks. Troops, the grand-daddy of reality programs, continues to patrol the airwaves on SBS (the Solar Broadcasting Service) while pot-bellied, cackling miscreant and stand-up Kowackian monkey lizard Salacious B. Crumb will once again host The Empire’s Funniest Interrogation Videos.

The hotter than hot, Imperial financed So You Think You Can Commit Galactic Genocide returns for another season of letting average beings power up the Death Star as they answer skill-challenging questions to earn the right to blast their least favourite planetary system from the star charts.

Spurned on by the success of these classic ratings-winners, a whole new crop plans to take the new season by storm. There’s plenty to choose from for those who love watching spoiled rich brats behave like drunken, rebel scum. In addition to the return of The Skywalkers, you can pop the cork on your smuggled bottle of Cristal for Keeping Up With The Calrissians and see just how badly Lando’s brood can behave.

Star Circus finds D-List celebrities like Lobot, Captain Panaka and cute as a tribble Wicket the Ewok trying to reboot their careers by learning Jedi-like skills: trapeze flying across bottomless Death Star shafts, tightrope walking above a hungry Sarlaac and playing sabbac with a wookie. Yawn… Zzzzz. Oops, excuse me. I must have dozed off out of er, excitement. Look for that one to drop from the line-up quickly.

Here are some of our top picks for the new reality season:

Sponsored by:







Bounty Hunter Eye For The Straight Guy

Tuesdays at 8 pm on SithTime

Let’s face it, most straight beings can’t tell Egyptian cotton from a pulse cannon. But this hot, new show has the cure – have five bounty hunters work their magic on the poor shmuck and let the results speak for themselves. During each episode, a protocol droid, a demolition expert, a tentacle-to-tentacle combat expert, a hair stylist and an armourer critique every aspect of a style-deficient, straight stormtrooper’s life. With devastating one-liners and a thorough beating, they pinpoint all the inadequacies that keep their charge from hooking up.

You’d think there’d be animosity between these five straight shooters and the straight man, and you’d be right. So far only three contestants in season one have survived the experience. This has got hit written all over it!

Joe Emperor

Wednesdays at 9 pm on GBC (Galactic Broadcasting Corporation)

What’s not to love? The most beautiful species from across the universe compete to arouse the amorous attentions of our Imperial Emperor. But who is really inside that robe? These beauties are in for a surprise when they find out their lord and master is really a disguised Hammerhead terra-farmer from the Outer Rim.

Han And Leia: The Newlyrebels

Friday at 9:00 on the Rebel Network

Everyone loves a train wreck and despite heavy odds that this couple won’t make it through the first season, The Newlyrebels is garnering respectable ratings. Turns out living with a princess ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Without droids to clean up after her, Leia is a complete slob. And Han’s love of partying all night on Coruscant with his co-pilot isn’t winning him any points with the old lady. Expect this marriage, and this show, to crash and burn within three seasons.

The Jedi Apprentice

Thursdays at 8:00 pm on the Rebel Network

The reclusive Jedi Master Yodi steps out of retirement and proves that despite hisdiminuative size, he’s one badass mother*$%#er to work for. Contestants compete for the prestigious position of Yoda’s apprentice. Jogs through swampland and bikini-waxing challenges will keep each contestant on their toes, assuming their species have toes. But the backbiting and competitive atmosphere will take each creature tantalizingly close to the Dark Side.

Each week Yoda meets the contestants outside his hovel and fires one of their alien asses without mercy. “There is only do or do not. So fired you are!”

We predict this one will be a blockbuster. An Empire-based follow-up edition, The Appren-Sith is already before the cameras.


Survivor: Hoth

Fridays at 8 pm on Holovision One

One competing network exec has said you can't kill this franchise with a lightsaber. And he's right. Don’t expect any bikinis in the follow-up to Survivor: Degobah. The latest installment, Survivor: Hoth, will maroon two tribes of competitors in nothing but parkas and moon boots. With temperatures reaching negative 200 degrees Kelvin, any exposed, nubile flesh will freeze, atrophy and die within milliseconds. The best we can hope for is some fratic coupling inside a warm and cosy, freshly-killed tauntaun.

The Miss Intergalactic Beauty Pageant

GBC (Galactic Broadcasting Corporation)

The Miss Intergalactic Beauty Pageant returns, stronger than ever. The perennial favourite celebrates it’s 6oo th year with a live extravaganza from Jabba The Hutt’s Pleasure Palace overlooking the Spice Mines of Kessil. As usual, Jabba plans to make it a night to remember. The evening will feature commentary and stand-up by Kowakian monkey lizard Salacious B. Crumb. Galactic Idol winner Clay Fortuna – no relation to Bib we’re told, yeah right – is scheduled to perform his hit single, Tonight Is A Night Like No Other Night Unless You Count The Night I Had Last Night (Which Was A Pretty Good Night).

Due to recent uproar over chauvinism, the pageant is undergoing some progressive changes. Several of the surviving rebel protesters from last year have been sold into slavery and will actually be doped-up competitors this time around. Also, contestants and the live audience will not be informed of the scoring as the night goes on. For a small fee, home viewers will be able to keep tabs on the progress of the ladies. The duel to the death cage match between the top ten ladies will be replaced with a fake firing squad. Only one of the laser rifles won’t be charged, leaving the winner a completely random choice.

Host duties this year will be handled by Lando Calrissian (Late Night With Lando and the sitcom hit, Full Detention Block). Calrissian is a last minute replacement for the recently deceased Greedo. A short video tribute to Greedo, the event’s host for 42 years, will kick off the Environment Suit Competition. Former Miss Intergalactic, Oola the dancing girl, is scheduled to sing Greedo’s theme song, Solo Shot First.

The Skywalkers

Saturdays at 10 pm on Holo Box Office

Last cycle, the universe’s first family of the Force allowed holo-cameras into their home and billions of viewers were hooked. Normally the Jedi and Sith live in a galaxy far, far away. This show definitely brings their dysfunctional world too, too close for comfort.

Prepare for another season with the ‘Prince Of @#%king Darkness’ and his brood. This season, Luke returns from rehab after his speeder bike accident, Leia dyes her hair plaid and records a punk-polka album, Padme shoots her own cooking show while Anakin goes on tour, wiping out audiences and populations across the solar system on his You Resist You Die tour.

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