Space Chick Flicks - Warming up those Chilly Hoth Nights

Welcome to the rebellion.

Our rebel entertainment spies have the straight scoop on upcoming Holo Transmissions from the Imperial Networks.

It gets pretty cold out in space. Makes a Hutt want to curl up with his favourite, dancing, slave girl by a roaring, nuclear furnace and chillax a while. If you want to get your fetching, fettered thrall into the mood why not skip the will-dominating cocktails and Jedi mind tricks for the month and take advantage of Chick Flick Month, currently running on Oprah the Hutt's female-skewing Oxygenesis Holo Channnel?

Host Darth Vader welcomes his special prisoner... er, guest, Princess Leia Organa, whose extended interrogation reveals not only where she sent the plans to the Empire's new Death Star weapon, but also her personal, top choices for favourite cinema classics.

Every week night, the battling Skywalkers will be airing a beloved tear-jerker, a warm-hearted, laugh-because-it's true comedy, or a female-empowering, ball-busting personal manifesto with plucky female protagonists to help pass the stark, hopeless hours spent isolated in Cell 2187, Detention Block AA-23.

Last night they kicked things off with the ten-hankie Terms of Enslavement. The rest of the week serves up Sith Magnolias, Brief Close Encounter, The Devil Wears Blast Armor and Runaway Jedi.

Who could hate Monday's when next week's line-up kicks off with Breakfast at Tarkin's, Dune Sea Beaches, Under The Tatooine Sun, Bridgit Jones' Hologram, and a Friday double feature of All About Evil and Little Wookiees?

The following week brings us A Pod With a View, Educating Leia, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sithhood, Looking For Mr. Goodjedi and a special screening of the juggernaut, three-hour Gone With The Plans on Sunday evening.

Oxygenesis brings the month to a close with a final week of The Way We War, Fried Green Tauntaun, My Big, Fat Hutt Wedding, Four Sequels and a Funeral Pyre and finally, You've Got Sub-Space Chatter.

Whew!

That's a lot of chick flick points you'll have accrued next time you're picking movies at the Cineplex. But don't watch too many with her or she'll think you actually dig movies where nothing explodes and nobody gets blasted.

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Intercept: Death Star TV Listings - Red Channel

Welcome to the rebellion. For your weekend viewing pleasure we have hacked into Imperial databases and retrieved this weekend's Pay-Per-Holo movie schedule. Enjoy.

RED CHANNEL: Home Box Holo

Friday

5:00pm Wag The Dianoga

7:00pm Pretty Wookie

8:30pm Team Empire: Space Police

10:00pm Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sithhood

Saturday

12:00am The Neverending Sequels

1:30am Rancor Dundee II

3:00am Pee Wee’s Big Empire

4:30am That Darn Sarlacc

6:00am Womprats In Paris

7:30am 101 Dianogas

9:00am My Cousin Dengar

10:30am Droid Story

12:00pm Imperial Pie III

1:30pm Peggy Sue Got Vaporized

3:30pm It’s A Wonderful Force

5:15pm Memoirs Of A Jedi

7:15pm Dennis The Phantom Menace

9:00pm Finding Wattoo

11:00pm Nightmare On Coruscant: Jek Porkin’s Revenge

Sunday

1:00am Dial “M” For Mynock

2:30am Bend It Like Boba

4:00am Lando And Hardy: Silent Holo Classics

4:45am Anakin Scorsese’s Age Of Imperialism

6:00am Fat Akbar

7:30am A Hard Day’s Flight

9:00am Meet The Sperm Donors

10:30pm Howard The Duck

12:00pm Spacey Movie III

1:30pm Good Wattoo Hunting

3:30pm Miracle In 34th Quadrant

5:00pm Imperial Psycho

6:30pm Naboo Hill

8:00pm The Incredible Hutt

10:00pm Star Trek: Try, Try Again

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Intercept: Death Star TV Listings - Blue Channel

Welcome to the rebellion. A plucky, laser-burned droid has supplied us with inside information on the Empire's cable, holo-movie schedule for this weekend. Enjoy.

BLUE CHANNEL
Your Propaganda and
Indoctrination Destination

Friday

5:00pm Lethal Wattoo

6:30pm Space Slickers II

8:00pm Lost In Translation Protocol & Droid’s Data Matrix

9:30pm Sex, Lies And Holograms

11:00pm Under The Tusken Sun

Saturday

12:30am Imperial Graffiti

2:00am Fear And Loathing in Mos Eisley

3:30am The Fleet And The Furious

5:00am Natural Born Sith Lords

7:00am Gone With The Windu

9:40pm Even Corellians Get The Blues

11:00am A Few Good Clones

12:30pm The Exorsith

2:00pm The Hunt For Red Leader

4:00pm Free Watto

5:45pm Beyond The Rim

7:15pm Skiffspotting

9:00pm Kill Boba Vol. 1

11:00pm The Alderaan Job

Sunday

12:30am Starship Stormtroopers

2:30am A History Of Rebellion

4:00am Children Of a Lesser Force

5:30am Being Han Solo

7:00am Jedi Jane

8:30am The Asteroid Of Dr. Moreau

10:00am Rebel Smackdown!:
Live From the former Alderaan System!

12:00pm Pirates Of Kamino

1:30pm The Mask Of Zuckuss

3:00pm An Officer And A Geonosian

4:30pm Stormtrooper And The Bandit

6:00pm Star Trek: Recycled

7:30pm The Last Temptation Of Anakin

9:00pm The Usual Rebels

10:30pm Reservoir Droids

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Intercept: Star Wars Reality Check

Welcome to the rebellion. This dispatch just in from the Imperial News Subspace channel:

Reality Shows Rule Roost In Upcoming Fall Holo-Season

Despite cries of foul play from rebel drama producers, reality shows continue to dominate the fall schedules of all the major networks. Troops, the grand-daddy of reality programs, continues to patrol the airwaves on SBS (the Solar Broadcasting Service) while pot-bellied, cackling miscreant and stand-up Kowackian monkey lizard Salacious B. Crumb will once again host The Empire’s Funniest Interrogation Videos.

The hotter than hot, Imperial financed So You Think You Can Commit Galactic Genocide returns for another season of letting average beings power up the Death Star as they answer skill-challenging questions to earn the right to blast their least favourite planetary system from the star charts.

Spurned on by the success of these classic ratings-winners, a whole new crop plans to take the new season by storm. There’s plenty to choose from for those who love watching spoiled rich brats behave like drunken, rebel scum. In addition to the return of The Skywalkers, you can pop the cork on your smuggled bottle of Cristal for Keeping Up With The Calrissians and see just how badly Lando’s brood can behave.

Star Circus finds D-List celebrities like Lobot, Captain Panaka and cute as a tribble Wicket the Ewok trying to reboot their careers by learning Jedi-like skills: trapeze flying across bottomless Death Star shafts, tightrope walking above a hungry Sarlaac and playing sabbac with a wookie. Yawn… Zzzzz. Oops, excuse me. I must have dozed off out of er, excitement. Look for that one to drop from the line-up quickly.

Here are some of our top picks for the new reality season:

Sponsored by:







Bounty Hunter Eye For The Straight Guy

Tuesdays at 8 pm on SithTime

Let’s face it, most straight beings can’t tell Egyptian cotton from a pulse cannon. But this hot, new show has the cure – have five bounty hunters work their magic on the poor shmuck and let the results speak for themselves. During each episode, a protocol droid, a demolition expert, a tentacle-to-tentacle combat expert, a hair stylist and an armourer critique every aspect of a style-deficient, straight stormtrooper’s life. With devastating one-liners and a thorough beating, they pinpoint all the inadequacies that keep their charge from hooking up.

You’d think there’d be animosity between these five straight shooters and the straight man, and you’d be right. So far only three contestants in season one have survived the experience. This has got hit written all over it!

Joe Emperor

Wednesdays at 9 pm on GBC (Galactic Broadcasting Corporation)

What’s not to love? The most beautiful species from across the universe compete to arouse the amorous attentions of our Imperial Emperor. But who is really inside that robe? These beauties are in for a surprise when they find out their lord and master is really a disguised Hammerhead terra-farmer from the Outer Rim.

Han And Leia: The Newlyrebels

Friday at 9:00 on the Rebel Network

Everyone loves a train wreck and despite heavy odds that this couple won’t make it through the first season, The Newlyrebels is garnering respectable ratings. Turns out living with a princess ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Without droids to clean up after her, Leia is a complete slob. And Han’s love of partying all night on Coruscant with his co-pilot isn’t winning him any points with the old lady. Expect this marriage, and this show, to crash and burn within three seasons.

The Jedi Apprentice

Thursdays at 8:00 pm on the Rebel Network

The reclusive Jedi Master Yodi steps out of retirement and proves that despite hisdiminuative size, he’s one badass mother*$%#er to work for. Contestants compete for the prestigious position of Yoda’s apprentice. Jogs through swampland and bikini-waxing challenges will keep each contestant on their toes, assuming their species have toes. But the backbiting and competitive atmosphere will take each creature tantalizingly close to the Dark Side.

Each week Yoda meets the contestants outside his hovel and fires one of their alien asses without mercy. “There is only do or do not. So fired you are!”

We predict this one will be a blockbuster. An Empire-based follow-up edition, The Appren-Sith is already before the cameras.


Survivor: Hoth

Fridays at 8 pm on Holovision One

One competing network exec has said you can't kill this franchise with a lightsaber. And he's right. Don’t expect any bikinis in the follow-up to Survivor: Degobah. The latest installment, Survivor: Hoth, will maroon two tribes of competitors in nothing but parkas and moon boots. With temperatures reaching negative 200 degrees Kelvin, any exposed, nubile flesh will freeze, atrophy and die within milliseconds. The best we can hope for is some fratic coupling inside a warm and cosy, freshly-killed tauntaun.

The Miss Intergalactic Beauty Pageant

GBC (Galactic Broadcasting Corporation)

The Miss Intergalactic Beauty Pageant returns, stronger than ever. The perennial favourite celebrates it’s 6oo th year with a live extravaganza from Jabba The Hutt’s Pleasure Palace overlooking the Spice Mines of Kessil. As usual, Jabba plans to make it a night to remember. The evening will feature commentary and stand-up by Kowakian monkey lizard Salacious B. Crumb. Galactic Idol winner Clay Fortuna – no relation to Bib we’re told, yeah right – is scheduled to perform his hit single, Tonight Is A Night Like No Other Night Unless You Count The Night I Had Last Night (Which Was A Pretty Good Night).

Due to recent uproar over chauvinism, the pageant is undergoing some progressive changes. Several of the surviving rebel protesters from last year have been sold into slavery and will actually be doped-up competitors this time around. Also, contestants and the live audience will not be informed of the scoring as the night goes on. For a small fee, home viewers will be able to keep tabs on the progress of the ladies. The duel to the death cage match between the top ten ladies will be replaced with a fake firing squad. Only one of the laser rifles won’t be charged, leaving the winner a completely random choice.

Host duties this year will be handled by Lando Calrissian (Late Night With Lando and the sitcom hit, Full Detention Block). Calrissian is a last minute replacement for the recently deceased Greedo. A short video tribute to Greedo, the event’s host for 42 years, will kick off the Environment Suit Competition. Former Miss Intergalactic, Oola the dancing girl, is scheduled to sing Greedo’s theme song, Solo Shot First.

The Skywalkers

Saturdays at 10 pm on Holo Box Office

Last cycle, the universe’s first family of the Force allowed holo-cameras into their home and billions of viewers were hooked. Normally the Jedi and Sith live in a galaxy far, far away. This show definitely brings their dysfunctional world too, too close for comfort.

Prepare for another season with the ‘Prince Of @#%king Darkness’ and his brood. This season, Luke returns from rehab after his speeder bike accident, Leia dyes her hair plaid and records a punk-polka album, Padme shoots her own cooking show while Anakin goes on tour, wiping out audiences and populations across the solar system on his You Resist You Die tour.

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