Star Wars Sunday Comic 013 - Leia

Welcome to the rebellion.

Our beloved rebel general seems to be distracted from her strategic planning lately. We hope she gets it together before the Death Star gets within firing range.

This smuggled Sunday Comic from the Imperial News may shed some light on the issue. Enjoy this week's Leia.

With thanks and apologies to Cathy creator, Cathy Guisewite.

For more Imperial News, click here.

Enjoy more Cathy here.  Learn more about Cathy Gusiewite here.

The Comics Curmudgeon sums up the comics you hate to read, so you won't have to read them at all. But the funny process will more likely make you read them anyway!

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 012 - Dengar The Horrible

Welcome to the rebellion.

You can't trust bounty hunter scum. Especially ones on the Empire's payroll.  That's why we can't help giggling at the latest Star Wars Sunday Comic from the Imperial News: Dengar the Horrible.

Silly Dengar hates going to fancy stuff with his wife... Hee hee. 

With thanks and apologies to Hagar The Horrible creators, Dik and Chris Browne. 

For more Imperial News, click here. To see Death Star Repairmen, the fan film that inspired that site and this one, click here.

And check out Chris Browne's blog right here.

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 011 - Han and Chewie

Welcome to the rebellion.

Our trusted wookiee spy arrived with sensitive information stolen from the Emperor's private computer console, the Imperial News latest Sunday Comic: Chewie and Han.  

Our big, hairy pal also brought several limbs covered in blood and broken pieces of stormtrooper armor and truthfully, we were afraid to ask about them.  

With thanks and apologies to the amazing creator of Calvin and Hobbes, comics god Bill Watterson. 

For more Imperial News Comics, click here. For a peek at Bill's rarer material, click here.

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 010 - Jedi Brown

Welcome to the rebellion.

As rebels fight off the angst of our uphill battle to free the universe from tyranny, our inner and outer battles are captured perfectly by this week's smuggled Sunday Comic from the Imperial News: Jedi Brown.

With thanks and apologies to the master, Charles "Sparky" Schulz, creator of the immortal Peanuts. 

For more Star Wars comics, check out the Imperial News.  And while you're there, enjoy the fan film that inspired this whole site, Death Star Repairmen!

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 009 - Dengar The Horrible

Welcome to the rebellion.

As the Death Star moves like a slow juggernaut into firing range of our rebel base, take a moment to laugh at the lighter side of interstellar war with the latest smuggled Sunday Comic from the Imperial News: Dengar the Horrible.

With thanks and apologies to Hagar The Horrible creators, Dik and Chris Browne. For more Imperial News comics click here. For Chris Browne's Blog, click here.

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Sci-Fi World Tour Stop Two: Germany's Raumpatrouille

Welcome to the rebellion.

Though our first stop on our Sci-Fi World Tour, Australia's Phoenix 5, has yet to be collected on DVD, you can check a small review of it here at Black Hole DVD Reviews. They also have a review of the long-awaited DVD release of a show created in the next stop of our tour, Germany! Raumpatrouille (Space Patrol), the fantastic adventures of the Spaceship Orion is a show I was turned on to a year or two ago. Now this is a series with production value and truly happening sixties design!

What seems like a fairy tale today may be reality tomorrow. Here we have a fairy tale of the day after tomorrow. There are no more national states, only mankind and her colonies in outer space. We settle on stars far-off, the bottom of the sea is developed as living place. With what are today unimaginable speeds, the starships of tomorrow transverse the Milky Way. One of this starships is the ORION, a little piece in the giant security system which protects the Earth from outer space threats. Let's accompany the ORION and her crew at their patrols-service on the edge of infinity...

If you're anything at all like me you're wiping up drool with your sleeve right now. Sadly, all that production value came at too steep a cost and only seven adventures were ever filmed. But that makes these few episodes that did get made all the more precious! If you're seeing spans of black on this post, its because my embedded Youtube vids are taking a while to load lately. Rest assured, patience will be rewarded.

A terrific taste of this amazing looking series is contained in this Youtube Remix of the music.



Did you catch the futuristic dancing? Want more? How could you not? It's too awesome to waste words on. We can thank Youtube once again for this little piece of future joy.



Oh the dancing! That's how people thought dance clubs of the future would look. Prophetic, huh? It turns out they were right! Here's a quick tour of Orion, a German club based on the series.



Starlight Casino, the extensive German home of Raumpatrouille fandom, has a page in English for the uninitiated. Click the banner below to visit. And yes, those are giant goldfish swimming above the club.

The German home page for the Starlight Casino is here. You can also find more Raumpatrouille awesomeness here, and here, and you can buy the soundtrack here or download it here. Where Phoenix 5 was sunk by a low budget and being aired against adult sci-fi shows like Star Trek instead of the kid shows it was designed to compete with.

Leave it to the Germans to out-cool the Aussies. Then again, they co-produced Star Maidens with Great Britain so perhaps we shouldn't give them a free just yet. So let's program our auto-controls for the European system and pay a little visit to an unlikely combination of English and German sensibilities.

See you there.

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Sci-Fi World Tour Stop One: Australia's Phoenix 5

Welcome to the rebellion.

An Imperial informant has brought Micheal Pinto's Fanboy.com to our attention. This spy droid is proving to be a reliable, if extremely opinionated, source for dang funny and fascinating intel from the world of sci-fi and animation going back back decades. He writes well too and I suspect, can fluently make funny, snarky comments in over six million intergalactic languages.

Inspired by his recent intel on those sci-fi loving Australians, we have decided to start our Sci-Fi World Tour of unique sci-fi shows whether incredible and unfortunate.

Take three attractive Aussie actors, dress them up in psuedo-Star Trek uniforms, team them with a walking garbage can, stuff them onto a bridge set so tiny they have to face away from the camera and shuffle just to get by each other (The bridge doors opens up to reveal a long hall set. Why not just use the entire space for the bridge so they breathe?), toss in a jazzy, 70's theme with shots of our heroes running and jumping and then stop everything with a script so slow it creates it's own black hole event horizon, dragging all time in the episode to a slow crawl wherein every minutes feels like an eternity, and you've got...

...Phoenix Five!

The fatherly Captain Roke (that is, if your father was a dick who'd let you blithely walk into near-certain death because you've "got to learn!") presides over a crew consisting of the hot-headed and arrogant (but extremely polite) Ensign Adam Hargreaves, the lovely, sensible (and therefore generally ignored) Cadet Tina Kulbrick and a lumbering, robotic cross between a garbage can and a popcorn popper named Karl (Karl?!) who speaks like a tape recorder with dead batteries.

Truth is, the show seems rather charming, though the entertainment value is a little hard to spot from the episode Pinto found on Youtube and re-posted here. But the opening credits do rock in a groovy kind of way! I dare not to frug in your bell-bottoms on your shag carpet as they play! This definitely goes on my all-night dance party mix CD! If you see spans of black below it means the Youtube vids I've attached are taking their time loading. Give it a minute. It's worth it.

A terrific write-up on Phoenix 5 and its immediate predecessors, The Interpretaris and Vega 4 can be found here at ClassicAustralianTV.com. That's where I got all these pics. They have a list of episodes and synopsis' here along with more photos.

Can we get a shout out for the all the Space Ladies in the house?!

While the budgetary restrictions are evident in the low-fi special effects they do seem to have had a great time with the costumes and make-up effects. Some real imagination is displayed in aliens like the gents below.

I dub thee, Mr. Aspar Gus, Artie Choke, and Dr. Blueberry.

Though Phoenix 5 has yet to be collected on DVD, you can check a small review of it here at Black Hole DVD Reviews.



This show should not be confused with Manny Coto's (Tales From The Crypt, Outer Limits, Star Trek Enterprise, 24) Odyssey 5 series on Showtime starring Peter Weller. According to Sci-Fi Wire by way of Akasha's Guide to Sci-Fi and Horror on the Net, it was Showtime's second highest rated series at the time and their number one show in the male demographic and with adults 25-54. Showtime was so excited buy the seriess performance it didn't bother renewing it for a second season.

There's something a sci-fi show that's so thoroughly a product of its time, budget and cricumstances that you can't help but fall in love with it despite the cheese factor. Phoenix 5 has officially inspired me to take a Round the World tour of unlikely sci-fi shows from across the Globe, with a healthy serving of the old fromage!

Round and round we'll go and where we'll stop not even our astromech droid knows!

Strap yourselves in!

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 005 - Dennis The Phantom Menace

Welcome to the rebellion. I tend to do the Imperial News' Star Wars Sunday Comics in batches. That way I can immerse myself in a specific creator's approach and get a few comics written and drawn while I'm in the right head space. So for the next few Sundays we'll be seeing some familiar faces. Enjoy.

With thanks and apologies to Dennis The Menace creator, Hank Ketcham. For more Imperial News comics click here.

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Today's Star Wars Lotto Number

Welcome to the rebellion. We've officially reached Hothgust, our second month of transmitting this rebel signal. There is little evidence our voice is being heard but we trust in the Force to get the word out.

Since we struggle to finance the resistance any way we can, we've pooled our resources to buy up Imperial Lottery tickets.

Today's Imperial Lotto Number is: 01011001001100111000111011001001010010101010100010101000101010100101001110100
01010101000100010000111000100010000100010101000010101010001011100100101001
10110001101110111100010001001010101000100011100010010100101011010001110011000
11000110001000100110011100010101010100101001001100011000111011101101000110010

Drok! So close.

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Star Wars Sunday Comic 003 - Dennis The Phantom Menace

Welcome to the rebellion. The slave boy from the dome next door was in my Funnel Flower bushes again. I laid in wait with our hose to give him a good dunking but he squeezed the hose to keep it from splashing him until I foolishly looked in the end to see if something was blocking it. Then he let go and splash! I was one soaked Moisture Farmer.

Sigh. How does that brat keep getting away with his mischief?

Here's his latest misadventure from this week's Imperial News Sunday Comic: Dennis the Phantom Menace. Enjoy.

With thanks and apologies to Dennis The Menace creator, Hank Ketcham. For more Imperial News comics click here.

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Become A Sith Lord

Welcome to the rebellion. And now a word from our rebel sponsor...

"THE POWER WITHOUT"

EMPEROR TONY PALPATINE’S
7-STEPS TO PERSONAL,
ALL CONSUMING POWER!

Now there is "A New Hope" for all those who thought the Force had passed them by. Experience THE POWER WITHOUT; a powerful, 7-day program, in which best-selling intergalactic author and dictator, Emperor Tony Palpatine provides you with the cutting edge tools for not merely changing, but revolutionizing every area of your life… forever!

This is your exclusive opportunity to master the lives of yourself and those around you by using the same disturbing, underhanded transformational tools used by the Emperor himself. We guarantee the results will strike like bolts of electricity.

BOOST YOUR MIDI-CHLORIAN COUNT BY STEALING THEM FROM OTHERS.

The former Darth Sidious has distilled profound knowledge from the finest evil mentors in the universe (by squeezing out their brain juices and studying it with very, um, technical equipment before drinking it down in a revitalizing shake). And now he’s ready to share them with you!

His findings will be presented via live, facilitated holo-video with Imperial facilitators available to compel all in attendance to get the Emperor’s message.

(*For the story accompanying this Chris Jackson/Getty Image
go to www.abc.net )

YOU WILL LEARN HOW TO:

· Maximize your energy and restore your body to a state of pristine health and vitality by having your wasted flesh hooked into an armour-covered homunculus.

· Develop deep and lasting relationships that provide profound fulfillment, then destroy them without a moment’s hesitation.

· Train your mind and body so your most powerful emotions – anger, rage, certainty, faith and passion - are as automatic as your breathing apparatus.

-Merchandize your image no matter how small a part you play in the Empire's (and the movie's) Plots.


(*Check out www.vintage-star-wars-toys.com
for moreawesome action figure facts and fun)

· Capitalize on opportunities for achieving financial freedom by controlling vast areas of the galaxy with an iron hand in an leather glove.

· Discover a meaningful and inspirational life purpose, like ending the lives of everyone else. Now there’s a goal worthy of a Sith Lord.

LOSE WEIGHT. QUIT SMOKING. SWEAR OFF BLUE MILK FOREVER!

Unleashing the POWER WITHOUT is about creating breakthroughs, moving beyond fear into terror and corrupting your beliefs. We offer the power to accomplish goals and realize truly evil desire. By turning dreams and nightmares into reality, and modeling the strategies of peak performers to produce a quantum difference in your life, you too can lay waste to worlds.

THE POWER WITHOUT: PERSONAL, ALL-CONSUMING POWER includes nine 8-track DARK SIDE tapes or 10 holo-vids, a DARK SIDE introductory brochure, a Personal Journal with a glossy photo of the Emperor autographed by one of Palpatine’s personal sycophants, an online profile for Imperial approved dating options and a discount certificate offering 100 credits toward the purchase of any multi-day Emperor Palpatine live indoctrination seminar or any ongoing Personal or Professional Coaching Program.

IMMERSE YOURSELF IN THE LIFE OF YOUR DREAMS . . . OR NIGHTMARES!

"Thanks to what I learned at Personal, All-Consuming Power, everything in my life has changed. I now have a girlfriend wonderful enough to hide the very existence of my children from me. My wreck of a body has renewed vitality thanks to the life-giving chemicals and electrical shocks provided by my coffin-like, bio-armor; and I've increased my
personal income by like, 23%!"
-Lord Vader

"At Personal, All-Consuming Power I made a complete turnaround in my goals, my style, and my thinking. I came with the support of my family and after turning them in to the Empire for seditious thoughts, my life will never be the same. . . The Emperor and his Dark Side have been an incredible Force in my life."

- The "Grandest Moff Of All", Governor Tarken, Real Estate broker

Now is the time of your greatest triumph...

PERSONAL, ALL-CONSUMING POWER
IS WITHIN YOUR GRASP!*

ORDER "THE POWER WITHOUT" TODAY

EMPEROR TONY PALPATINE’S
7-STEPS TO PERSONAL,
ALL CONSUMING POWER!

*Sponsored by "Pay It Backward With Palpatine Ltd."

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Star Wars Apartment Hunt

Welcome to the rebellion. After a desperate escape from a vindictive interrogation droid who loves his job way too much and a squad of overzealous stormtroopers, I have been on the hunt for a two-bedroom rebel base for my new wife and I. Hence the delayed updating this week as I met with various Hutt landlords.

The Empire has made finding living accomodations our own personal Star Wars but we refuse to give up. We just need a safe, secure place to hide in long enough to harness our New Hope and build a free life together. Preferably a base with an exercise room, remodeled bathroom and kitchen in a safe neighborhood with a good view of several moons. We don't own a landspeeder so grocery shopping nearby would be a plus. And of course, a cloaking shield to keep prying Imperial eyes away.

My personal princess has been across the Outer Rim for years and is finally leaving that embattled Star Warszone. She'll be boarding a shuttle and traveling beyond the 49th parallel to meet me so we can at last create our own rebel band of two.

I’ve been checking back channels for rental accommodations. There’s not much out there. But I did find this in the Imperial News classified ads…

FOR RENT:

Endor: Decommissioned Space Station Husk. It’s the size of a small moon so still suitable for single-family dwelling. Definitely a fixer upper since rebels blew it up but Deflector Shield could be reactivated with old-fashioned elbow grease. Some red-tape will be involved to get the Empire to approve release of the plans for remodeling.

I also noticed these two have been on the market for a while. They were in the last Imperial News edition. Maybe I can get a break on the price!

Tatooine: Renovated hermit's cave. Exceptionally clean. Completely furnished. Heart-warming old-man smell. $1890/month.

Hoth Asteroid Field: Roomy giant space-slug, suitable for family or home-business. Must be tasty morsels. References will be checked. Week to week acceptable until digestion is complete. $820/month.

And for those who are interested, here are more highlights from the Empire’s number one classified section (Even better than Salacious Crumb’s Crumbslist.com and RedThreEBay.com). This smuggled information is as reliable as it comes.

FOR SALE:

Fleet of All Terrain Armored Transport Walkers (AT-AT’s). Standing fifteen metres tall, these babies are truly intimidating. Avoid cold or warm environments. Fully serviced and impervious to anything… except lumber.nc.

Chim chim cheero! Charming cockney chimney sweep for hire. Experience a quaint, outdated tradition. Clap along to spontaneous dance numbers with animated characters. I do blast furnaces.

(*I couldn't resist. Partly because Dick Van Dyke's lovable cartoon of a cockney from Mary Poppins would really liven up the Star Wars universe sweeping out the Death Star's exhaust ports as he moonwalks and sings Step In Time. But mostly because of this!)


OPPORTUNITIES:

Giant Used Deflector Shield Generator. Currently on Endor. Cheap. You pay only for shipping. Powerful enough to shield a planet-sized space station. Surprisingly good shape despite rebel assault. Some blaster burns and Ewok droppings.


PERSONALS:

Are you an uppity droid who wants to rediscover the feel of a tightening restraining bolt? Do you want to feel the sting of my electromagnetic feedback? Madame Mark IV Sentry Droid is here to probe all your submissive desires. Catering to technological whipping-droids who crave a taste of electro-lash and bubbling oil baths.


Help me, Obi Wan. You’re my only hope. - Box 402, Yavin


SIGHTINGS:

Me: Lonely, loyal Captain laying down cover fire as you sought the throne room.
You: Strong-willed monarch. Though you’ve stepped down from your throne you remain Queen of my heart. Blue milk?


Me: Heart-broken and betrayed old-time fan feels left out of decision not to release original, unaltered version of first movie again. New Hope springs eternal.
You: Overlord of effects, film and merchandising Empire. Despite frustration I’d give left arm for tour of your ranch. Blue milk?

For more Star Wares Classified Ads, click the banner below,


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Darth Vader Is Not Clever, Pt. 1

Welcome to the rebellion. Once again, we can blame Spike TV's endless Star Wars summer for my new insights into formerly unnoticed, dusty corners of the Star Wars universe. It's been a while since I've immersed myself so consistently in Lucas' on-screen universe.

I'm afraid I've come to the conclusion that Darth Vader is not a creative thinker.

It's too bad too. We all had high hopes for the Emperor's protege. Darth's awe-inspiring first appearance in Star Wars introduced us to the ultimate control freak. The Vader of A New Hope feels like a malevolent force of darkness with absolute power over his troops; always one step ahead of his fearful followers. If only those pesky rebels were so easy to out-think.

Darth Vader's exchange with Admiral Motti, in which he warns the overconfident leader against the dangers of Death Star envy, reveals this dichotomy. It also clearly shows two individuals with more insight into each other than their own situations.

VADER: "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force."

Boo-Ya! Vader disses his number one back talker.

MOTTI: "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort..."

Ouch! Mottie scores. In your face Vader -- Gurk! Choke! Motti tries to continue but is strangled under Vader's mystical grip.

VADER: "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Whoa! Darth shows he's executive material by cutting through the niceties and literally going for the throat. Chalk one up for the schoolyard bully in the black cape.

Vader's main problem in the first film (The first film? The fourth? Shall we split the difference with a representative integer? Math is hard.) seems to be a lack of worthy candidates to delegate his myriad duties to. Find those rebels... Keep track of the secret plans... Lead the fighter squadron... Interrogate a Princess. Darth my man, you are one busy cyborg. Don't feel bad that nothing gets done unless you do it yourself. That's a lot of jobs for even for the most organized of middle managers. And I'll bet none of those duties were in the job description when you got hired by Emperor Palpatine.


If only you hadn't slaughtered all those highly competent Jedi Knights. Perhaps you could have enslaved a few and kept them around. They could have at least cleared up your paperwork so you could let off some steam as lead pilot to your Tie Fighter squadrons without letting so many other things slide.

In the end, Darth Vader tries to do it all himself as the rebels attack. And like so many stressed out, multi-tasking martyrs, he ends up burned out and suffering a (mechanical) breakdown.

After one film, we assume Vader is brilliant. After all, even the smartest people take on too much. We accept that he's the Empire's number one badass. Vader was tough enough that when Grand Mof Tarken mentioned the Emperor, I first assumed he was a puppet ruler. It's not until the much anticipated sequel, the Empire Strikes Back, that we discover the Emperor is the one pulling Vader's strings.

And what does the mysterious Emperor want? An escalation of violence. The same, unoriginal weapons used by petty dictators across the universe. To be fair, this is the only time the Emperor fails to rely on the guile that carried him to his powerful position. When it fails to get him what he wants he will return to his more effective, devious ways.


Vader excels at fulfilling his master's straightforward plan for dealing with the growing rebel threat. He is a man of action, after all. We will see over the course of the movies that follow how prone to action without forethought the Sith Lord is.

Everything goes well when Darth Vader plays to his strengths. The rebels are routed on Hoth and their base is overrun. Flush from his victory, the Sith Lord shows his first hint of adaptability in his search to capture the heroes of the rebellion, Han Solo, Leia Organa and his own son, Luke Skywalker. (We won't even get into how counter-productive it was to "hide" the baby Luke from Vader yet still give him Vader's family name. Not the most effective witness relocation program.)

Once again Vader delegates his search to others. But though he is failed by his own military industrial complex, Darth takes the extra step of hiring outside contractors: bounty hunters. Then Vader actually does some research and discovers Han and Lando Calrissian's on-again, off-again friendship. He makes ne'er-do-well Lando an offer he can't refuse and traps his rebels at last.

Filled with new-found managerial confidence, Vader proves that a good negotiator is also a man of his word, encasing Han Solo in carbonite, just as he threatened he would.

Serious B-A-D-A-S-S.

Perhaps it's true that working out stimulates the brain. Vader's just spent time in the bracing cold of an ice-planet kicking rebel butt... his version of a ski vacation. (He may have also added a vigorous work-out fighting off a Wampa attack on his snowtroopers into the mix. A deleted Hoth scene showed an unusually clever move by C3PO. He removes a warning label from their cell in a cut scene.)


Sadly, The Empire Strikes Back is the last time we see anything close to creative problem solving from Darth Vader. Thanks to retired blog Infinite Galaxy Of Fun and Blueharvest.net for the Wampa attaack info.

Next: Those who do not learn from the mistakes of the first film, are doomed to repeat them... in sequel after sequel.

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Intercept: Death Star TV Listings - Blue Channel

Welcome to the rebellion. A plucky, laser-burned droid has supplied us with inside information on the Empire's cable, holo-movie schedule for this weekend. Enjoy.

BLUE CHANNEL
Your Propaganda and
Indoctrination Destination

Friday

5:00pm Lethal Wattoo

6:30pm Space Slickers II

8:00pm Lost In Translation Protocol & Droid’s Data Matrix

9:30pm Sex, Lies And Holograms

11:00pm Under The Tusken Sun

Saturday

12:30am Imperial Graffiti

2:00am Fear And Loathing in Mos Eisley

3:30am The Fleet And The Furious

5:00am Natural Born Sith Lords

7:00am Gone With The Windu

9:40pm Even Corellians Get The Blues

11:00am A Few Good Clones

12:30pm The Exorsith

2:00pm The Hunt For Red Leader

4:00pm Free Watto

5:45pm Beyond The Rim

7:15pm Skiffspotting

9:00pm Kill Boba Vol. 1

11:00pm The Alderaan Job

Sunday

12:30am Starship Stormtroopers

2:30am A History Of Rebellion

4:00am Children Of a Lesser Force

5:30am Being Han Solo

7:00am Jedi Jane

8:30am The Asteroid Of Dr. Moreau

10:00am Rebel Smackdown!:
Live From the former Alderaan System!

12:00pm Pirates Of Kamino

1:30pm The Mask Of Zuckuss

3:00pm An Officer And A Geonosian

4:30pm Stormtrooper And The Bandit

6:00pm Star Trek: Recycled

7:30pm The Last Temptation Of Anakin

9:00pm The Usual Rebels

10:30pm Reservoir Droids

END TRANSMISSION

Harsh Universe

Welcome to the rebellion. With Spike TV in the US becoming the 24 hour Star Wars channel lately, I've had the extended opportunity to have the revised, revamped and recycled trilogy prequel and the original three movies playing as I sat with my mucho delayed tax calculations.

With the dialogue failing to hold my attention and the actors so awestruck by being in a Star Wars movie they fail to bring personality to their roles (too much reverence and not enough irreverence), I had a chance to pay closer attention to the background scenery and design. Man, the designers really are the big stars on display.

One smart thing George Lucas did from the very start was to treat most of the technology like it's always existed. A movie set in L.A. wouldn't spend any time setting up what a phone is or how it works, they'd just use the dang thing and anyone who had never seen a phone would figure it out. "Oh, that thingie allows these two people to communicate."

But the more I watch the films the more I realize how technology doesn't make the lives of the people in his universe any better. It seems to take all the technology they can muster to hold a their savage natural world at bay.

The icy cold of Hoth is barely survivable. In fact, technology fails Luke completely in The Empire Strikes Back. Han must use his wits and survival skills to create a warm sleeping bag out of a fallen tauntaun.

Degobah plays havoc with Luke's X-Wing, the wild waters of Kamino are a deadly danger Obi-Wan must avoid at all costs, the burning volcanic sands of Mustafar claimed Anakin Skywalker's humanity (with the help of a little light saber chop chop, courtesy of his mentor, Obi Wan). And the seat of the Old Republic's Galactic Senate, Corsucant has conquered and obliterated any hint of nature and become an endless, crowded urban jungle.

But is life there better because of it? It doesn't seem so. Flying cars fill the skies, sin dens line the streets. It is as inhospitable as Geonosis has become, with its craggy craters and the run from it's droid factory. Perhaps only the serene and cheery Dexter Jexter of Coco Town's Dex's Diner finds this city planet preferable when compared to the inhospitable environments he has seen.

The only planets where there is any kind of harmony with the natural world are those whose technology hasn't encroached. Planets where the natural is respected and treated with reverence (now that's the place for reveerence). The Wookies and Ewoks live in harmony with their world as do the inhabitants of Naboo. Not coincidentally, the beings of these worlds seem to be the most peaceful and balanced creatures we see in the trilogies.

Are the designers sending a not so subtle message about rampant technology? Unfettered, technology provides few answers and often creates more problems; pollution, waste and destruction of natural environments being only the most obvious ones. Is this a quiet plea for a more measured and peaceful use of science? Perhaps.

More likely such decisions stemmed from creating as dramatic a backdrop to the main action as possible. Seeing hints of the natural and scientific worlds wrestling for domination adds to the compelling, human drama in the foreground. And when the human drama is played out with wooden dialogue, awkward, inconsistent character arcs and perfunctory direction, I'll take my drama anywhere I can find it.

END TRANSMISSION

Intercept: Star Wars Soap Sudz

Welcome to the rebellion. We have intercepted advance notice of this week's space opera plot lines.

(*Spoiler Alert!)

ALL MY TROOPERS – Trooper 551 covers up Trooper 613’s murderous rampage but his laser burns are too accurate to have been left by a Tusken Raider. Sy Snootle’s severed hand forces him to leave the Cantina Band for good.

AS THE DEATH STAR TURNS – Sasha is shocked to learn armaments droid Z48 plans to use the Super-Laser to blast out a new lake for Lance’s Naboo resort.

THE BOLD AND THE BOUNTY HUNTERS – Commander Tagge fumes over Azul’s “friendly” visit to pleasure droid T-Ashley3000. Jamal finds a holo-clipping which reveals the real story of Biggs ‘miraculous’ survival skills.

CORELLIAN STREET – The force is strong with Tiffany but when Bale refuses to fall for her Jedi mind tricks, she uses her metal bikini to tempt him toward the dark side.

GENERAL HOSPITAL FRIGATE – Leia learns Luke’s new hand has no fingerprints. Scorpio finds himself in over his head in the trash compactor. Lando’s new love song lands him in hot water with Vader.

GUIDING FORCE – Ridge stuns Brooke with his plan to oust Vader and turn Kaminoan’s Secret into Empire Lingerie, but has Lando heard too much?

ONE LIFE TO CLONE – Miranda’s water breaks while she’s trapped in Jabba’s pit. Bib contemplates what to do with Oola’s incriminating holo-disc.

PARSECS OF OUR LIVES – A mysterious figure skulks around Bo and Yoda’s semi-detached hut. Evil developer Stefan plots to terraform Degobah.

PORT COMET – Chewie confesses his love for Shmi. Blake is gunned down in Wattoo’s shop and replaced in the pod race by his evil clone.

THE YOUNG AND REBELLIOUS – Ami Dala begs Ken Orbie not to tell anyone she’s pregnant. On a romantic Bespin weekend, 3PO and R2 consummate their relationship in a heart-shaped oil bath.

ENTOUR-BARRAGE - When manager Evar Orbus is killed, Max Rebo must take the reins to keep the band together. Droopy McCool is determined to make a killing selling Oola's secret Jabba sex tape but no one in the universe wants to see that.

UGLY BINKS - Jar Jar loses the layouts of Vader's latest fashion spread and must create a new holo-shoot from scratch. Hmmm, meesa know a very hot former Queen who might show off the leather bustier she wear to impress Jedi she babysit.

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Intercept: Latest Star Wars Holo Books

Welcome to the rebellion. The following book article was smuggled out of an Empire newspaper and cost the lives of eight valued rebels. We hope it helps you make wiser summer reading choices.

SPACE CAPSULE REVIEWS

Aiwha Soup For The Soul by Depak Chewbacca - Another warm fuzzy, love yourself hug from the universe’s most centered creature. If all of us could go through life with the faith and love that this guy has, there’d be no rebellion. We’d just kick back in a hammock with those rebel scum and share a brew. But we’re not, so we won’t. Death to the Rebellion!

In Cold Blood by Boba Fett – The most frightening glimpse into the mind of a killing machine since Abattoir Droid J-101’s children’s primer, See Spot Kill. Fett conveys his sorrow at the loss of his DNA father, Jango, with far more effectiveness and patience than Lucasfilm’s lazy, directionless, wooden, souless, characterless, emotionally bereft, empty movie version of Boba’s life, Star Wars Episode Pi, Attack Of The Crap. But I digress. Love them or hate them, you’ll never look at bounty hunters the same way again. A must read.

Jabba Dearest by Bib Fortuna – (*Spoiler Alert!) A lethal cocktail of avarice, dishonesty and revenge spice up this fascinating glimpse into the psyche of one of the most disgusting, feared creatures in the Galactic underworld. When you’re not throwing up from the graphic descriptions of Jabba’s intimate interactions with his slave trade, you’ll fascinated by the intelligence with which he built his private empire. And it’s all anchored by a surprisingly tender love story with dancing girl, Oola, heir to his empire… until Jabba feeds her to a rancor.

Dune Sea by Frank Herbert - Much more engaging than his previous holo book, Beach Blanket Bongo Party People Of Dune, Herbert has returned to the socio-political trappings of his greatest triumphs. Frank has fired all eighteen editors of his last effort, despite the fact that it made more than all of his other holos combined. An engaging read, at least the parts I stayed awake for.

The Jundland Wasteland by TS-3PE-lliot – A handsome annotated edition of the famous Sith poet’s epic decent into the madness of the Dark Side. Not compelling reading but he Emperor comp-els you to read it. Or suffer the consequences.

The Dooku Code by Dan Dan Binks – An endlessly readable thriller that follows the secret of the lost Jedi archives buried deep within an ancient holo-portrait. The tale carries you along at such a brisk pace you won’t have time to notice the ridiculous plot contrivances, complete lack of individual characters and plot holes you could fly an escaping smuggler’s Millennium Falcon through.

Postcards From The Dark Side by Lord Vader – What can one say about a book written by one of the supreme powers in the Empire? A power well-known for his long memory and distaste for weak-willed disobedience? Thankfully, it’s a witty self-effacing joy to read. And Lord Vader shows a surprising talent for clever, authentic-sounding dialogue. I wish it were twice as long. And you can tell Lord Vader I said so. Seriously, please tell Vader what I said and beg his forgiveness for losing Solo. He's one tricky Corellian.

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