By the Light of the Silvery BOOM!! - NASA set to bomb the moon today!

Welcome to the rebellion.

According to the Huffington Post and NASA’s website (by way of Jonathan Llyr at hardcorenerdity.com) the space agency’s LCROSS (Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite) project designed to confirm or disprove the presence of water reaches it final stage today. The shepherding spacecraft is now in an elongated orbit, positioned to separate with an Atlas V’S Centaur upper stage rocket, essentially launching it toward the moon’s South Pole at twice the speed of a bullet.

The intent is to kick up a plume of debris the orbiter can fly through to analyze for signs of water. You can watch it live this morning, Oct. 9th, at approximately 4:30 a.m. PDT. NASA has set up a webpage with all the information you need to watch for yourself on a home telescope (just make sure it’s a very good telescope). NASA also has a terrific simulation of the entire mission.

I suppose that's a reasonable explanation.

Or is it?

This could all be the result of building grudge in the space agency against the moon.

After hearing this summer that the original tapes of the historic moon landing were accidentally erased, we are forced to wonder if NASA scientists have been getting razzed by their cosmological buddies, calling into doubt their moon landing achievements now that they cannot produce video proof. Now every night the moon’s face waxes and wanes into a mocking grin.

Perhaps they’ve simply lost patience and want to blast it out of the night sky. At least that's what NASA's new director, D. Vader, hinted at during his first press conference several months ago when he warned the press that "this technological terror NASA has constructed paled compared to the power of the force" and he couldn't wait to "wipe the smirk off the faces of those holier than thou Selentites."

I know for a fact that this is going to end badly. This morning I blacked out for two minutes and seventeen seconds. In that time I flashed forward to our future, skipping like a stone across the pond of time, foreseeing where all this will take us.

This is what I saw...





And:




And:


I also saw visions of high-quality cuts of beef in orbit above the lunar South Pole after the Centaur rocket sliced a leaping cow into bits on its way down to the surface. They were being barbecued up by this guy...


Say good night, moon.


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FLASH!!! Thanks to Denis McGrath and his blog, Dead Things On Sticks, and Mr. Show's Bob Odenkirk and David Cross, we know have the true story behind this historic event.

UPDATE: Well, well, well... we may have have wells on the Moon after all. According to the Times, pulverizing the Moon has led to the discovery of "significant amounts" of water. Whether that's enough to help the planet through it's upcoming water crisis over the next few decades or only enough to hand wash a few sweaters in the sink remains to be seen.

Read the story here.

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Summer BBQ Meal Planning: Darth Chop and Roast Ewok

Welcome to the rebellion.

Thanks to rebel leader Simon Evans at HardcoreNerdity.com, we have finally completed our menu for the Rebel BBQ at our base on Yavin 4 this weekend.

We'll round it out with the Empire's new Darth Chop!

The comments on the post are even more hilarious than the picture if you can believe it. Jonathan Lyre scores my two favourites with "I'm afraid I'm altering the meal. Pray I don't alter it any further..." and "I find your lack of applesauce disturbing...".

Andreas Heim brought two packages of muttonchops to his Denmark home for a BBQ and was stunned at their resemblance to to everyone's favourite Star Wars bad boy. He quickly posted photos of the meat on Twitter then marinated them in organic olive oil, lemon, chili and lemon thyme.

Heim is dedicated, even grilling his chops in the rain. Now that's the kind of rebel we need on our team.


There's grilling...

...And there's grilling.

We've also hired renowned bounty hunter and Chef Boba Fett to take time off from his reality holo-series, Fett's Radiactive Kitchen, to prepare our feast. And he's sharing one his recipes with us today!

ROAST SUCKLING EWOK, HAWAIIN STYLE - BBQ

Any holiday or festive occasion can bring out the adventurous side in all of us. And what better way to celebrate than to hunt, kill and eat your holiday meal with friends and family. Some warriors believe that eating a beast transfers it's soul into you. That would explain the contented joy one feels after consuming a fresh, well-barbecued Ewok. Trapping these curious, friendly beasts is ridiculously easy. Just stroll through the magnificent forests of Endor holding something shiny in your hand, and several of the inquisitive little rascals will soon show up to investigate. Avoiding the use of explosives in their capture is a must. You don't want to damage the skin - it needs to be intact to hold in all the juices as it bakes. A medium electric charge set for a twelve-foot dispersal ought to be enough to shut down the electrical activity to their brain and provide you with the fixings for your banquet.

Select a Ewok weighing 65 to 75 pounds. Weight may vary so adjust the recipe accordingly. First, you will need to score the skin by scraping away all the fur with a laser torch. If you do not have access to a lightsabre taken from the cold, dead hand of a Jedi opponent, scoop out the innards with a spoon and boil them. When combined with the Ewok's own rich drippings, this will provide you with a a base for gravy and a hearty stew tomorrow. To avoid collapsing of the Ewok while cooking, stuff the abdominal cavity. Rub the cavity with butter and firmly insert a dressing such as bread crumbs, apples and chopped celery, seasoned with salt, pepper and ground sage. Sew up the cavity opening or use a Jedi Cook ™ brand light-skewer (only twelve bars of utanium from Walmart. Boba Fett approved!). Place a meat thermometer in the Ewok's anus, being careful not to hit the bone, which would reflect an incorrect reading. Oh, that reminds me... flush out the Ewok's colon before cooking.

Second, temperature can range from 250 to 350 degrees F at around 25 minutes per lb. Therefore a 70lb Ewok will slow-roast in approx. 1755 minutes, or 1 1/2 Endorian days. You can speed up the process simply by increasing the heat. To roast in half a day add more plutonium briquettes and set the heat to 700 degrees. To roast in 53 minutes set the heat to 11200 degrees. To flash roast in 7.2 seconds use an atomic kiln set at 106 degrees Kelvin, or drag the Ewok through the outer corona of a red sun.

"Mmmm, Wicket smells delicious!"

Place a small wooden stick/block in the Ewok's mouth and, after cooking, replace with a suitable fruit. An apple is traditional, but a pineapple adds a tropical flair. You will need to cover the ears, snout and tail with foil or cheese cloth at some point to avoid burning. These caps should be removed about l/2 hour before the barbecue is completed to obtain a uniform baking color. To make a drip pan, use 3 sheets of heavy aluminum foil molded slightly larger than the Ewok to collect the rich drippings. All cooking is done by reflected heat, not by direct flame. About l/2 hour before the suckling Ewok is done (about 5.7 seconds if flash-roasting), baste generously with the basting sauce and its own considerable drippings.

General Organa plans out the menu and

three-legged race with military precision.

The roast is done when the temperature in the thickest part of the Ewok (the delicious rump) registers 160 degrees. You musn't oversmoke or overcook, but you may want to overeat!

To serve the barbecued Ewok, slice the skin from the base of the tail to the back of the neck and peel the skin down the sides. Carve the ass first, slice the rib sections next, and carve the front shoulders and jowl last.

BASTING SAUCE

3 cups honey 4 ounces soy sauce
3 cups orange concentrate
2 cups fresh, ground pineapple
1 package Boba Fett's Ass-terburner Hot Spice ™ (optional)

Mix together and cook the above ingredients for 5 minutes. Liberal usage on partially cooked suckling Ewok enhances the finished entree.

Mmmm! Those cute little suckers make good eating! And you can use the discarded fur to wipe the juices and grease off your satisfied face when you're full.

Please arrive at the rebel BBQ early as we expect long line-ups for potato salad and will likely have only a scant thirty minutes before our small moon comes within firing range of the Death Star.



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Star Wars Sunday Comic 010 - Jedi Brown

Welcome to the rebellion.

As rebels fight off the angst of our uphill battle to free the universe from tyranny, our inner and outer battles are captured perfectly by this week's smuggled Sunday Comic from the Imperial News: Jedi Brown.

With thanks and apologies to the master, Charles "Sparky" Schulz, creator of the immortal Peanuts. 

For more Star Wars comics, check out the Imperial News.  And while you're there, enjoy the fan film that inspired this whole site, Death Star Repairmen!

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Introducing... Boba Fett

Welcome to the rebellion. I went absolutely bonkers for this cartoon as a kid, when it aired as part of the infamous Star Wars Christmas Special. The first screen appearance of Boba Fett was easily the best part of the show.



The animated short was like nothing I'd ever seen. The designs are part ILM/part fairground caricature artist/70's underground comix and it was our first ever look at badass Boba Fett. Even though Boba never actually does anything in this, it was all about the tease. This dude had potential to rival Darth Vader in coolness.

From small screen...


...to tall screen.

For a young Canuck like me, the most amazing thing was that this short was by by an upstart Canadian company named Nelvana, now one of the largest animation companies in the world.

It somehow made the possibility of being connected to that Hollywood/Star Wars universe so far, far way seem less remote. They so impressed George Lucas this short became a precursor to is a precursor to their later Droids and Ewoks series.

At the time they were making animated shorts in their Small Star Cinema series and moved into really unique, and awesome animated specials like their early Christmas Two-Step, their breakthrough production was A Cosmic Christmas. (Don't believe me? View it here!).

And of course, the Halloween special, The Devil And Daniel Mouse...

Which inspired their ambitious feature debut, Rock And Rule!

After the Star Wars Christmas Special, Nelvana continued the galactic holiday themed specials with Intergalactic Thanksgiving, Romie-0 and Julie-8, Take Me Up To the Ball Game and the not so sci-fi Easter Fever (the very first animation voice credit for Maurice LaMarche: voice of "The Brain" from Pinky & The Brain!).

All fun, unique specials. But this really is about Boba Fett. He's a man of few words but we'll give him the last words today.

Bad... Ass.

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Space Chick Flicks - Warming up those Chilly Hoth Nights

Welcome to the rebellion.

Our rebel entertainment spies have the straight scoop on upcoming Holo Transmissions from the Imperial Networks.

It gets pretty cold out in space. Makes a Hutt want to curl up with his favourite, dancing, slave girl by a roaring, nuclear furnace and chillax a while. If you want to get your fetching, fettered thrall into the mood why not skip the will-dominating cocktails and Jedi mind tricks for the month and take advantage of Chick Flick Month, currently running on Oprah the Hutt's female-skewing Oxygenesis Holo Channnel?

Host Darth Vader welcomes his special prisoner... er, guest, Princess Leia Organa, whose extended interrogation reveals not only where she sent the plans to the Empire's new Death Star weapon, but also her personal, top choices for favourite cinema classics.

Every week night, the battling Skywalkers will be airing a beloved tear-jerker, a warm-hearted, laugh-because-it's true comedy, or a female-empowering, ball-busting personal manifesto with plucky female protagonists to help pass the stark, hopeless hours spent isolated in Cell 2187, Detention Block AA-23.

Last night they kicked things off with the ten-hankie Terms of Enslavement. The rest of the week serves up Sith Magnolias, Brief Close Encounter, The Devil Wears Blast Armor and Runaway Jedi.

Who could hate Monday's when next week's line-up kicks off with Breakfast at Tarkin's, Dune Sea Beaches, Under The Tatooine Sun, Bridgit Jones' Hologram, and a Friday double feature of All About Evil and Little Wookiees?

The following week brings us A Pod With a View, Educating Leia, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sithhood, Looking For Mr. Goodjedi and a special screening of the juggernaut, three-hour Gone With The Plans on Sunday evening.

Oxygenesis brings the month to a close with a final week of The Way We War, Fried Green Tauntaun, My Big, Fat Hutt Wedding, Four Sequels and a Funeral Pyre and finally, You've Got Sub-Space Chatter.

Whew!

That's a lot of chick flick points you'll have accrued next time you're picking movies at the Cineplex. But don't watch too many with her or she'll think you actually dig movies where nothing explodes and nobody gets blasted.

END TRANSMISSION

What's In Our Holiday Holo Stocking?

Welcome to the rebellion.

As the Empire negotiates a controversial bailout of the Commerce Guild and the very shady Intergalactic Banking clan, we all tighten our belts and settle in for a sombre holiday season.

I say, let go of that negativity, you gloomy Gus, and do what we’re all meant to do on the holidays; blindly cling to the hope that the better nature of all sentient beings will lead us into a new hope for the coming year. And what better way to do than to overload our sweet tooth with sweet as candy cane, holiday classics?

This week the universe celebrates Life Day and the sub-space Holo Channels have a raft of holiday treats to give us all warm fuzzies while our once peaceful galaxy falls to the unrelenting, dark might of the Imperial Alliance.

HOME BOX HOLO kicks it all off with a Life Day marathon of classics, starting with Dome Alone and Dome Alone II: Lost on Coruscant. I know, their definition of classic doesn’t seem to jibe with the rest of the universe’s idea of the term does it? Add Rebel Life Day Vacation and A Muppet Life Day Special to the list of wrongly labeled classics lined up for our amusement.

Actually, I’m all for the Muppets doing anything. I've spent hours at my favourite Muppet Fan Site, Muppetcentral.com, Heck, our beloved Jedi Master Yoda used to be a real muppet, back when he had a personality and an ability to make audiences care about him. He lost all that when he went under the digital knife for a CGI chin augmentation, tummy tuck, pixelsuction and spinal repair on his scoliosis hunchback. Sigh... I always loved the hunch. Or maybe it's the holidays making me wistful.

For those of you with little clones running around blasting up the dome, SITHOLODEON has a full day s of family-friendly fare including Frosty the Snow Wampa, Red-Five The Red-Nosed X-Wing and Santa Claus is Coming to Space. It’s all capped off by everybody’s favourite animated ode to the holidays, A Jedi Brown Christmas (Whatever Christmas is… Nudge nudge. Wink wink.).

On Life Day Eve, VADER CLASSICS runs the really good stuff. Miracle In Star Quadrant 34 has an early, seven o’clock start so the little wookiees can catch the whole movie and still be in bed in time for Santa Paws. At nine, it’s the universal favourite, It's A Wonderful Force. Then my personal fave, Darth Scrooge (Or A Life Day Carol, as we purists prefer to call it.) takes us through midnight.

So celebrate, kick back, crack open some of this Princess Leia approved blue nog and enjoy the holidays!

END TRANSMISSION

That's No Moon!

Welcome to the rebellion. Darryl Gold, the peerless creator of Death Star Repairmen, the film and website that inspired all this Imperial News and Rebel Alert madness, is working on yet another edition of Darryl's Hard Liquor and Porn Film Festival.

While that horrified-yet-slightly-intrigued look crosses your face, I should tell you it's a comedy film festival with a theme of sex and porn. You won't find a lot of real porn there.. mainly because the real stuff is boring (Which is why I can only watch about 17 hours of real porn in one sitting).

So, in addition to working on a couple of shorts for his festival and consolidating the two-country lives of my wife and myself down to one country at last, I will am expecting some interruptions in your regular Rebel Alert feed for the next month.

But Darryl has come through again with a solution; several great Star Wars links. That means I'm going to let other people do my work for me while I double-back in my X-wing for a run at the Death Star's exhaust port trench... and deal with movers.

Today, we have a brilliant video from Mike Horn at Current.com, "Death Star Over San Francisco".

The real key to all this is the regular sound Mike kept with the footage. People talking about their mundane stuff or demonstrating heatedly over China's human rights records really completes the subtle "sell". It also confirms my long-held suspicion that China has indeed become a puppet nation under Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious.

A meeting was held aboard the lead Star Destroyer between Admiral Piett, Lord Darth Vader and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in which Mr. Schwarzenegger ripped off his shirt, drew his ancient sword and assured the invaders that "By Crom," he would "crush his enemies, see them driven before him and hear the lamentations of their women."

A sweep of Vader's lightsaber solved the "riddle" of the governor's steel. The Sith Lord then held out his fist as the governor wondered "what the hell he was". Upon his release from Vader's Force-powered grip, California's fearless leader, rubbed his swollen neck, assuring everyone it was "not a tumour".

The Imperial commanders dictated their terms for California's surrender but it ended in a stalemate. After beating up and stealing the clothes from an Imperial lackey, the governor donned sunglasses and countered Vader's Jedi Mind Tricks by analyzing, synthesizing and duplicating Piett's voice. As Schwarzenegger was escorted out, his computer eyes sized up the defenses of the Piett's Star Destroyer and he defiantly vowed over his shoulder that he would "be back."

Moments later the governor drove a Ford Bronco through the wall of Piett's office. Unfortunately, the spectacular stunt also damaged the Bronco's brakes, causing the bodybuilder turned action hero turned governor turned action hero to drive through the port window and plummet into the San Francisco Bay.

Reportedly, the Admiral's only response was, "Hasta la vista, bantha."

Eyewitnesses later spotted the governor walking calmly out of the water at nearby Baker Beach, a single eye glowing with a menacing red light red.

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Become A Sith Lord

Welcome to the rebellion. And now a word from our rebel sponsor...

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This is your exclusive opportunity to master the lives of yourself and those around you by using the same disturbing, underhanded transformational tools used by the Emperor himself. We guarantee the results will strike like bolts of electricity.

BOOST YOUR MIDI-CHLORIAN COUNT BY STEALING THEM FROM OTHERS.

The former Darth Sidious has distilled profound knowledge from the finest evil mentors in the universe (by squeezing out their brain juices and studying it with very, um, technical equipment before drinking it down in a revitalizing shake). And now he’s ready to share them with you!

His findings will be presented via live, facilitated holo-video with Imperial facilitators available to compel all in attendance to get the Emperor’s message.

(*For the story accompanying this Chris Jackson/Getty Image
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YOU WILL LEARN HOW TO:

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· Train your mind and body so your most powerful emotions – anger, rage, certainty, faith and passion - are as automatic as your breathing apparatus.

-Merchandize your image no matter how small a part you play in the Empire's (and the movie's) Plots.


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THE POWER WITHOUT: PERSONAL, ALL-CONSUMING POWER includes nine 8-track DARK SIDE tapes or 10 holo-vids, a DARK SIDE introductory brochure, a Personal Journal with a glossy photo of the Emperor autographed by one of Palpatine’s personal sycophants, an online profile for Imperial approved dating options and a discount certificate offering 100 credits toward the purchase of any multi-day Emperor Palpatine live indoctrination seminar or any ongoing Personal or Professional Coaching Program.

IMMERSE YOURSELF IN THE LIFE OF YOUR DREAMS . . . OR NIGHTMARES!

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Star Wars Apartment Hunt

Welcome to the rebellion. After a desperate escape from a vindictive interrogation droid who loves his job way too much and a squad of overzealous stormtroopers, I have been on the hunt for a two-bedroom rebel base for my new wife and I. Hence the delayed updating this week as I met with various Hutt landlords.

The Empire has made finding living accomodations our own personal Star Wars but we refuse to give up. We just need a safe, secure place to hide in long enough to harness our New Hope and build a free life together. Preferably a base with an exercise room, remodeled bathroom and kitchen in a safe neighborhood with a good view of several moons. We don't own a landspeeder so grocery shopping nearby would be a plus. And of course, a cloaking shield to keep prying Imperial eyes away.

My personal princess has been across the Outer Rim for years and is finally leaving that embattled Star Warszone. She'll be boarding a shuttle and traveling beyond the 49th parallel to meet me so we can at last create our own rebel band of two.

I’ve been checking back channels for rental accommodations. There’s not much out there. But I did find this in the Imperial News classified ads…

FOR RENT:

Endor: Decommissioned Space Station Husk. It’s the size of a small moon so still suitable for single-family dwelling. Definitely a fixer upper since rebels blew it up but Deflector Shield could be reactivated with old-fashioned elbow grease. Some red-tape will be involved to get the Empire to approve release of the plans for remodeling.

I also noticed these two have been on the market for a while. They were in the last Imperial News edition. Maybe I can get a break on the price!

Tatooine: Renovated hermit's cave. Exceptionally clean. Completely furnished. Heart-warming old-man smell. $1890/month.

Hoth Asteroid Field: Roomy giant space-slug, suitable for family or home-business. Must be tasty morsels. References will be checked. Week to week acceptable until digestion is complete. $820/month.

And for those who are interested, here are more highlights from the Empire’s number one classified section (Even better than Salacious Crumb’s Crumbslist.com and RedThreEBay.com). This smuggled information is as reliable as it comes.

FOR SALE:

Fleet of All Terrain Armored Transport Walkers (AT-AT’s). Standing fifteen metres tall, these babies are truly intimidating. Avoid cold or warm environments. Fully serviced and impervious to anything… except lumber.nc.

Chim chim cheero! Charming cockney chimney sweep for hire. Experience a quaint, outdated tradition. Clap along to spontaneous dance numbers with animated characters. I do blast furnaces.

(*I couldn't resist. Partly because Dick Van Dyke's lovable cartoon of a cockney from Mary Poppins would really liven up the Star Wars universe sweeping out the Death Star's exhaust ports as he moonwalks and sings Step In Time. But mostly because of this!)


OPPORTUNITIES:

Giant Used Deflector Shield Generator. Currently on Endor. Cheap. You pay only for shipping. Powerful enough to shield a planet-sized space station. Surprisingly good shape despite rebel assault. Some blaster burns and Ewok droppings.


PERSONALS:

Are you an uppity droid who wants to rediscover the feel of a tightening restraining bolt? Do you want to feel the sting of my electromagnetic feedback? Madame Mark IV Sentry Droid is here to probe all your submissive desires. Catering to technological whipping-droids who crave a taste of electro-lash and bubbling oil baths.


Help me, Obi Wan. You’re my only hope. - Box 402, Yavin


SIGHTINGS:

Me: Lonely, loyal Captain laying down cover fire as you sought the throne room.
You: Strong-willed monarch. Though you’ve stepped down from your throne you remain Queen of my heart. Blue milk?


Me: Heart-broken and betrayed old-time fan feels left out of decision not to release original, unaltered version of first movie again. New Hope springs eternal.
You: Overlord of effects, film and merchandising Empire. Despite frustration I’d give left arm for tour of your ranch. Blue milk?

For more Star Wares Classified Ads, click the banner below,


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Darth Vader Is Not Clever, Pt. 1

Welcome to the rebellion. Once again, we can blame Spike TV's endless Star Wars summer for my new insights into formerly unnoticed, dusty corners of the Star Wars universe. It's been a while since I've immersed myself so consistently in Lucas' on-screen universe.

I'm afraid I've come to the conclusion that Darth Vader is not a creative thinker.

It's too bad too. We all had high hopes for the Emperor's protege. Darth's awe-inspiring first appearance in Star Wars introduced us to the ultimate control freak. The Vader of A New Hope feels like a malevolent force of darkness with absolute power over his troops; always one step ahead of his fearful followers. If only those pesky rebels were so easy to out-think.

Darth Vader's exchange with Admiral Motti, in which he warns the overconfident leader against the dangers of Death Star envy, reveals this dichotomy. It also clearly shows two individuals with more insight into each other than their own situations.

VADER: "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force."

Boo-Ya! Vader disses his number one back talker.

MOTTI: "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort..."

Ouch! Mottie scores. In your face Vader -- Gurk! Choke! Motti tries to continue but is strangled under Vader's mystical grip.

VADER: "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Whoa! Darth shows he's executive material by cutting through the niceties and literally going for the throat. Chalk one up for the schoolyard bully in the black cape.

Vader's main problem in the first film (The first film? The fourth? Shall we split the difference with a representative integer? Math is hard.) seems to be a lack of worthy candidates to delegate his myriad duties to. Find those rebels... Keep track of the secret plans... Lead the fighter squadron... Interrogate a Princess. Darth my man, you are one busy cyborg. Don't feel bad that nothing gets done unless you do it yourself. That's a lot of jobs for even for the most organized of middle managers. And I'll bet none of those duties were in the job description when you got hired by Emperor Palpatine.


If only you hadn't slaughtered all those highly competent Jedi Knights. Perhaps you could have enslaved a few and kept them around. They could have at least cleared up your paperwork so you could let off some steam as lead pilot to your Tie Fighter squadrons without letting so many other things slide.

In the end, Darth Vader tries to do it all himself as the rebels attack. And like so many stressed out, multi-tasking martyrs, he ends up burned out and suffering a (mechanical) breakdown.

After one film, we assume Vader is brilliant. After all, even the smartest people take on too much. We accept that he's the Empire's number one badass. Vader was tough enough that when Grand Mof Tarken mentioned the Emperor, I first assumed he was a puppet ruler. It's not until the much anticipated sequel, the Empire Strikes Back, that we discover the Emperor is the one pulling Vader's strings.

And what does the mysterious Emperor want? An escalation of violence. The same, unoriginal weapons used by petty dictators across the universe. To be fair, this is the only time the Emperor fails to rely on the guile that carried him to his powerful position. When it fails to get him what he wants he will return to his more effective, devious ways.


Vader excels at fulfilling his master's straightforward plan for dealing with the growing rebel threat. He is a man of action, after all. We will see over the course of the movies that follow how prone to action without forethought the Sith Lord is.

Everything goes well when Darth Vader plays to his strengths. The rebels are routed on Hoth and their base is overrun. Flush from his victory, the Sith Lord shows his first hint of adaptability in his search to capture the heroes of the rebellion, Han Solo, Leia Organa and his own son, Luke Skywalker. (We won't even get into how counter-productive it was to "hide" the baby Luke from Vader yet still give him Vader's family name. Not the most effective witness relocation program.)

Once again Vader delegates his search to others. But though he is failed by his own military industrial complex, Darth takes the extra step of hiring outside contractors: bounty hunters. Then Vader actually does some research and discovers Han and Lando Calrissian's on-again, off-again friendship. He makes ne'er-do-well Lando an offer he can't refuse and traps his rebels at last.

Filled with new-found managerial confidence, Vader proves that a good negotiator is also a man of his word, encasing Han Solo in carbonite, just as he threatened he would.

Serious B-A-D-A-S-S.

Perhaps it's true that working out stimulates the brain. Vader's just spent time in the bracing cold of an ice-planet kicking rebel butt... his version of a ski vacation. (He may have also added a vigorous work-out fighting off a Wampa attack on his snowtroopers into the mix. A deleted Hoth scene showed an unusually clever move by C3PO. He removes a warning label from their cell in a cut scene.)


Sadly, The Empire Strikes Back is the last time we see anything close to creative problem solving from Darth Vader. Thanks to retired blog Infinite Galaxy Of Fun and Blueharvest.net for the Wampa attaack info.

Next: Those who do not learn from the mistakes of the first film, are doomed to repeat them... in sequel after sequel.

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