Become A Sith Lord

Welcome to the rebellion. And now a word from our rebel sponsor...

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(*For the story accompanying this Chris Jackson/Getty Image
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John Williams: The Wind Beneath My Y-Wing

Welcome to the rebellion. In yet another post inspired by Spike TV's recent airing of all six Star Wars films for the summer, I have been thinking about the music of the original movie.


Let's take a moment to remember John Williams and his unforgettable score to the original Star Wars film, A New Hope. The incredible impact of the movie on the public consciousness owed much to his now-classic orchestration.

I was ten years-old the first time I heard the title "Star Wars". It was on my friend David Jackson's driveway. He and his family had just come from a film that had them very excited. He tried to explain the plot about two little robots lost in the desert and I grew more and more disinterested. It sounded like the lamest story I'd ever heard and yet he was getting more breathless as he described the climax. The dichotomy didn't add up.

I began to hear about Star Wars more and more and saw ads for it everywhere. Within a few weeks my oldest brother, also Dave, took me to see it at our local theatre. The line-up literally circled the building and continued around again! I had never seen a line so long. It seemed to confirm that I was about to see something truly special.

After two hours, we had reached the stairs leading down to the courtyard and I could finally see the ticket office! Being close enough to actually watch money being exchanged for tickets somehow confirmed that we would eventually be making that glorious exchange ourselves. We celebrated with Cokes and a small Pizza Delight pizza from next door... and moved a few feet closer.


By the time I was sitting in a crowded, darkened theatre next to Dave, we had waited through two full screenings to see a movie I knew very little about. Yet the very fact that we had to wait that long created a palpable anticipation in the audience. I was unaware my young world and imagination were about to be blown from 35 mm to wide-screen IMAX.

Was anyone in 1977 ready for the sudden surge of John William's opening fanfare? It exploded around us like a sonic boom, carrying us off in a swell of heroism to that galaxy far, far away that has stayed so very close to our hearts ever since.

We read the crawl telling us what had gone before (I'm glad we didn't know then what we know now. The mystery left us all wide open to be surprised and amazed) as the strings and horns swirled. Then the music turned menacing and the first, unforgettable shot changed the way we viewed science fiction film forever.

I can't begin to describe how very long it seemed to take for that Star Destroyer to pass by the camera as it pursued the fleeing rebel vessel. William's music is full of dread, as befits a vessel whose size and design is designed to spread awe and terror throughout the universe. The combination of his circling strings and horns with the overpowering throb of the engines and the laser fire created immediate tension. Our nerves were the real strings being played. The moment Star Destroyer finally passed, revealing it's colossal solar ionization reactor-powered engines, you could feel the audience let out a collective sigh. We'd all been holding our breath!

The recurring themes of John William's music buoyed the rest of the movie and the movies that followed. But that first few minutes will never be equaled.


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Star Wars Sunday Comic 001 - The Amazing Spider-Wookiee

Welcome to the rebellion. We have intercepted the debut of the Imperial News' latest Sunday comic, the Amazing Spider-Wookiee. Enjoy.


With thanks and apologies to Stan Lee, Steve Ditko and the current keepers of the Spider-Man comic strip flame, Larry Leiber, Alex Saviuk and Joe Sinnot. For more Imperial News comics click here.

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An Environmental Phantom Menace

Welcome to the rebellion.

It's a night for musing by moonlight as random thoughts flow from my mind to my fingertips through my keyboard to you. I have no idea what I'm about to type but I'm in a thoughtful, meandering mood so precisely calculating where my gathering thoughts will take us is unlikely until we actually arrive where we're going.

I'll have to rely on my internal navigation computer to make sure I don't end up flying right through a star or bouncing too close to a supernova. That would end our trip real quick, wouldn't it?

I have taken advantage of Blueharvest.net's Star Wars Name Generator (or what I like to call the Moniker Droid). It mashes up your names into a name fit for a Jedi, or a beneath the contempt of a Sith. My new handle around the cantina is...

PINCRO MATOR!!!

Dang that's some good namin'. I'll wear that holo-name tag proudly on my body armor.... unless I'm at a Dr. Who Con. Then I'll stick it to my long, colourful scarf. Blue Harvest has a young, energetic membership; perfect for carrying the Star Wars torch far into the century. If we all survive longer than another decade on this planet, that is.

I suppose I shouldn't worry about the end of the world. Problems like environmental destruction, the depletion of the ozone, global warming, spending more energy to dig oil from Alberta's tar sands than we'll be able to take out and leaving behind lakes of poisonous waste are no biggies right?

Perhaps George and the visionaries at Skywalker Ranch will find a way to replace the world's oil supply with a much cleaner digital oil. After they've found a way to make those pesky actors obsolete that is. I'm not sure Clone Wars will be much of a step in that direction though. :)

Will they end come with a bang, complete with enhanced explosion effects? Or will it simply disintegrate into constant war? It probably doesn't matter. George Carlin said of the end of the world, "the world isn't going anyplace. We are." Too true.

"What are you on about tonight, Pincro?" you ask? I'll try to pull it all together, I promise.


I was privy to a brief but depressing discussion about the tar sands in Alberta between a friend from Alberta and another from Ontario who asked for a Western persepcctive on the oil boom. Two days later I started working on a show about dinosaurs. Dinosaurs and comedy for kids... a perfect combination. Kind of a dream gig for a kid like me!

My delightful story editor was flown out to Alberta to chat with dinosaur experts this week. The Canadian Badlands of southern Alberta is dinosaur country folks. Smack dab in the centre is Drumheller, the dinosaur capital of the world. An amazing array of dino skeletons has been uncovered there. We are learning so much about our planet's past through these fossils. And the area is preserved as a unique provincial park to enjoy. Dinosaurs are fun!

The Alberta Tar Sands are are not fun.

With world oil prices through the roof, Alberta is once again raking in the dough thanks to their extensive oil reserves. Alberta is second only to Saudi Arabia in oil reserves. The problem is the crude oil of Athabasca mixed in with the water and sand is extremely difficult and expensive to extract. Firstly, an incredible amount of boreal forest and peat bog is cleared away, just to make sure we get no help clearing the toxic, sulphur-filled air (sulphur is a by-product of the process) we're about to create.

It requires intensive heat to burn away the water and sand. That takes power. Probably enough power to run a Star Destroyer (Pardon the sci-fi metaphor but this is a Star Wars blog after all) Since it takes much more oil to retrieve a barrel of oil than can be retrieved Oil companies are currently using natural gas and fighting for nuclear power plants to provide power for this process.

The damage to the environment is catastrophic. According to this Guardian.co.uk article, the mines can now be seen from space, acid rain is killing trees and foliage. Sludge is dredeged and carried in trucks the size of, well... think of it this way.

Remember the opening shot of Star Wars where the Star destroyer passed overhead and it seemed to go on forever? It really showed how massive the ship was. Now imagine that vehicle with giant wheels the tar sands. Apparently, it's like walking into your two-story house and up the stairs to your bedroom. There's a steering wheel by the window. You turn the key and drive your house to work. Massive equipment is all I'm sayin'.

The oil in Athabasca is process requires so much water the mining of the tar sands is using as much water as a city of one million, every day. The water used ends up forming ponds, more like huge lakes, of toxic water unfit for anything. They don't know what to do with the stuff it so it sits there, filled with, "carcinogenic hydrocarbons and toxic trace metals such as mercury, cadmium and arsenic, all topped off, in Syncrude's case, with an oil slick."

Anyone up for a little for water-skiing? Let's ask the ducks shall we?

The mine area near Fort McMurry is beginning to resemble a combination of Tatooine's arid Dune Sea, the fiery forges of Mustafar, and Alderaan, post planetary explosion. (Again: Star Wars blog.)

Canada could exceed the most stringent Kyoto guidelines and still be one of the world's largest contributers to Global warming and greenhouse gas emissions. It's unlikely that the damage will ever be undone. Evidence is also growing that oil sand extraction also has a damaging effect on livestock and humans. I'll pause for your collective gasp of surprise.

Why is the Alberta government allowing this to happen? Money. Big oil is big business and Alberta Oil have The oil sands processing was cost prohibitive but now that crude is hitting and exceeding a hundred dollars a barrel... "Ka-Ching!" The United States, China and our own government is vying for all that oil. Go for the money now, screw the planet and our kids.

But I'm sure many of those in power feel they are taking care of their people by making them economically powerful and sharing the wealth though tax-breaks and cheques sharing the money left over after budgets have been met. Having few environmental protections in place saves a lot of Provincial dough. They can invest in infrastructure, tax breaks and increased medical allowances perhaps.

But the rising cost of the environmental damage will be huge. They may be running a money surplus now but we are most certainly getting deeper in debt to the environment. And it's coming to collect one day. In short, we've been governing for today, not tomorrow.

But definitely not next week or year. Again, it's not exactly their fault. This is an extremely complicated question. And no one answer is gonna help us now. North America and China lead the world in oil consumption. It's our Achilles heel. We don't just need petroleum to drive. Our food production currently depends on it too.

Pesticides are are based on oil while fertilizer is made from ammonia, which is made by natural gas, production of which is already peaking. Tractors that plow our food and fridges that store it are made using oil. In fact, the production of almost all modern technology is powered by oil.

The internet alone consumes almost 10 % of the U.s.'s energy. Source.

Solar panels and wind turbines are made using petroleum based power.

In 1984, one of George W. bush's own energy advisers, energy investment banker Matthew Simmons has stated it will take oil reaching $182 a barrel, or $7 a gallon, for demand to be properly controlled.

We can't blame our government entirely for a failure to lead us forward. We'd have ousted them from office if they made any real strides. People may be crying out for new resources but their lifestyles are crying louder for oil. Alberta has always been the most right wing province in Canada and felt burned by the taxes put on their oil profits in the eighties during the last boom years.

People can make three times their salary working the sands and overtime puts their bank deposits and mortgage payments into overdrive. They need so many workers right now, they're flying them in from around the world and people are glad to do it.

So I sit at my computer, using electricity for light and for communicating with whoever you are. I'm writing a fun little show about a kid's love and fascination for dinosaurs (And this show truly revels in dinosaurs!) and I realize that the oil running our world is just that... fossilized dinosaurs. And trees and plants and insects and fish and whatever else existed and thrived before us.

I read the enthusiastic posts of the younger dreamers and true-believers on fan sites like Blue Harvest and I get hopeful. Yet it's hard to ignore how willing people are to ignore the realities of the world.

It will likely take a wide variety of power sources working together in combination to enable us to boldly go forward into a brighter, healthier future. We should be looking for and supporting innovative solutions all the time. And even after finding sustainable solutions, we should continue seeking and resarching in the hopes of discovering or creating sustainable resources that are even more effective.

We have known for decades that oil is a finite resource yet we have done little to find a new way to power our lifestyles, and we've done even less to promote new lifestyles that require less power. It's not that solar and wind power will replace all that oil provides. It's that they are part of a new way of thinking. Our oil is running out. And one day, we may all die fighting for the last drops of it.

Perhaps in a not so distant future humanity will lie fossilized in a national park where Cockroach families will learn about these fascinating and foolish creatures. (Actually, I read somewhere that cockroaches may not be as adaptable as we thought. They're too dependent on humanity's detritus to survive).

Or, we may end up being mined, burned and sucked out of the earth to power their weedwhackers.

Our troubles are here now. Not in a galaxy far, far away.


Read more on the tar sand concerns here, here and here.

For different perspectives, try here , here , here, here and, of course here.

I'm discovering that writing a blog is like navigating an asteroid field at top speed. You never know twists and turns you'll have to take. Perhaps I'll have some Imperial tech-droids clean this post up like pesky, optical printer garbage mattes. But not tonight. Tonight is a night for messy musings.

Let's end it on some dinosaur fun.. for kids of any age.

If you travel to Alberta on a dino hunt , check out this page of destination suggestions. You could also try kidsdinos.com. Online dinosaur games are at dinofun.com and you can always check out the ever-reliable national geographic.

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Star Wars Apartment Hunt

Welcome to the rebellion. After a desperate escape from a vindictive interrogation droid who loves his job way too much and a squad of overzealous stormtroopers, I have been on the hunt for a two-bedroom rebel base for my new wife and I. Hence the delayed updating this week as I met with various Hutt landlords.

The Empire has made finding living accomodations our own personal Star Wars but we refuse to give up. We just need a safe, secure place to hide in long enough to harness our New Hope and build a free life together. Preferably a base with an exercise room, remodeled bathroom and kitchen in a safe neighborhood with a good view of several moons. We don't own a landspeeder so grocery shopping nearby would be a plus. And of course, a cloaking shield to keep prying Imperial eyes away.

My personal princess has been across the Outer Rim for years and is finally leaving that embattled Star Warszone. She'll be boarding a shuttle and traveling beyond the 49th parallel to meet me so we can at last create our own rebel band of two.

I’ve been checking back channels for rental accommodations. There’s not much out there. But I did find this in the Imperial News classified ads…

FOR RENT:

Endor: Decommissioned Space Station Husk. It’s the size of a small moon so still suitable for single-family dwelling. Definitely a fixer upper since rebels blew it up but Deflector Shield could be reactivated with old-fashioned elbow grease. Some red-tape will be involved to get the Empire to approve release of the plans for remodeling.

I also noticed these two have been on the market for a while. They were in the last Imperial News edition. Maybe I can get a break on the price!

Tatooine: Renovated hermit's cave. Exceptionally clean. Completely furnished. Heart-warming old-man smell. $1890/month.

Hoth Asteroid Field: Roomy giant space-slug, suitable for family or home-business. Must be tasty morsels. References will be checked. Week to week acceptable until digestion is complete. $820/month.

And for those who are interested, here are more highlights from the Empire’s number one classified section (Even better than Salacious Crumb’s Crumbslist.com and RedThreEBay.com). This smuggled information is as reliable as it comes.

FOR SALE:

Fleet of All Terrain Armored Transport Walkers (AT-AT’s). Standing fifteen metres tall, these babies are truly intimidating. Avoid cold or warm environments. Fully serviced and impervious to anything… except lumber.nc.

Chim chim cheero! Charming cockney chimney sweep for hire. Experience a quaint, outdated tradition. Clap along to spontaneous dance numbers with animated characters. I do blast furnaces.

(*I couldn't resist. Partly because Dick Van Dyke's lovable cartoon of a cockney from Mary Poppins would really liven up the Star Wars universe sweeping out the Death Star's exhaust ports as he moonwalks and sings Step In Time. But mostly because of this!)


OPPORTUNITIES:

Giant Used Deflector Shield Generator. Currently on Endor. Cheap. You pay only for shipping. Powerful enough to shield a planet-sized space station. Surprisingly good shape despite rebel assault. Some blaster burns and Ewok droppings.


PERSONALS:

Are you an uppity droid who wants to rediscover the feel of a tightening restraining bolt? Do you want to feel the sting of my electromagnetic feedback? Madame Mark IV Sentry Droid is here to probe all your submissive desires. Catering to technological whipping-droids who crave a taste of electro-lash and bubbling oil baths.


Help me, Obi Wan. You’re my only hope. - Box 402, Yavin


SIGHTINGS:

Me: Lonely, loyal Captain laying down cover fire as you sought the throne room.
You: Strong-willed monarch. Though you’ve stepped down from your throne you remain Queen of my heart. Blue milk?


Me: Heart-broken and betrayed old-time fan feels left out of decision not to release original, unaltered version of first movie again. New Hope springs eternal.
You: Overlord of effects, film and merchandising Empire. Despite frustration I’d give left arm for tour of your ranch. Blue milk?

For more Star Wares Classified Ads, click the banner below,


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Darth Vader Is Not Clever, Pt. 1

Welcome to the rebellion. Once again, we can blame Spike TV's endless Star Wars summer for my new insights into formerly unnoticed, dusty corners of the Star Wars universe. It's been a while since I've immersed myself so consistently in Lucas' on-screen universe.

I'm afraid I've come to the conclusion that Darth Vader is not a creative thinker.

It's too bad too. We all had high hopes for the Emperor's protege. Darth's awe-inspiring first appearance in Star Wars introduced us to the ultimate control freak. The Vader of A New Hope feels like a malevolent force of darkness with absolute power over his troops; always one step ahead of his fearful followers. If only those pesky rebels were so easy to out-think.

Darth Vader's exchange with Admiral Motti, in which he warns the overconfident leader against the dangers of Death Star envy, reveals this dichotomy. It also clearly shows two individuals with more insight into each other than their own situations.

VADER: "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force."

Boo-Ya! Vader disses his number one back talker.

MOTTI: "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort..."

Ouch! Mottie scores. In your face Vader -- Gurk! Choke! Motti tries to continue but is strangled under Vader's mystical grip.

VADER: "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Whoa! Darth shows he's executive material by cutting through the niceties and literally going for the throat. Chalk one up for the schoolyard bully in the black cape.

Vader's main problem in the first film (The first film? The fourth? Shall we split the difference with a representative integer? Math is hard.) seems to be a lack of worthy candidates to delegate his myriad duties to. Find those rebels... Keep track of the secret plans... Lead the fighter squadron... Interrogate a Princess. Darth my man, you are one busy cyborg. Don't feel bad that nothing gets done unless you do it yourself. That's a lot of jobs for even for the most organized of middle managers. And I'll bet none of those duties were in the job description when you got hired by Emperor Palpatine.


If only you hadn't slaughtered all those highly competent Jedi Knights. Perhaps you could have enslaved a few and kept them around. They could have at least cleared up your paperwork so you could let off some steam as lead pilot to your Tie Fighter squadrons without letting so many other things slide.

In the end, Darth Vader tries to do it all himself as the rebels attack. And like so many stressed out, multi-tasking martyrs, he ends up burned out and suffering a (mechanical) breakdown.

After one film, we assume Vader is brilliant. After all, even the smartest people take on too much. We accept that he's the Empire's number one badass. Vader was tough enough that when Grand Mof Tarken mentioned the Emperor, I first assumed he was a puppet ruler. It's not until the much anticipated sequel, the Empire Strikes Back, that we discover the Emperor is the one pulling Vader's strings.

And what does the mysterious Emperor want? An escalation of violence. The same, unoriginal weapons used by petty dictators across the universe. To be fair, this is the only time the Emperor fails to rely on the guile that carried him to his powerful position. When it fails to get him what he wants he will return to his more effective, devious ways.


Vader excels at fulfilling his master's straightforward plan for dealing with the growing rebel threat. He is a man of action, after all. We will see over the course of the movies that follow how prone to action without forethought the Sith Lord is.

Everything goes well when Darth Vader plays to his strengths. The rebels are routed on Hoth and their base is overrun. Flush from his victory, the Sith Lord shows his first hint of adaptability in his search to capture the heroes of the rebellion, Han Solo, Leia Organa and his own son, Luke Skywalker. (We won't even get into how counter-productive it was to "hide" the baby Luke from Vader yet still give him Vader's family name. Not the most effective witness relocation program.)

Once again Vader delegates his search to others. But though he is failed by his own military industrial complex, Darth takes the extra step of hiring outside contractors: bounty hunters. Then Vader actually does some research and discovers Han and Lando Calrissian's on-again, off-again friendship. He makes ne'er-do-well Lando an offer he can't refuse and traps his rebels at last.

Filled with new-found managerial confidence, Vader proves that a good negotiator is also a man of his word, encasing Han Solo in carbonite, just as he threatened he would.

Serious B-A-D-A-S-S.

Perhaps it's true that working out stimulates the brain. Vader's just spent time in the bracing cold of an ice-planet kicking rebel butt... his version of a ski vacation. (He may have also added a vigorous work-out fighting off a Wampa attack on his snowtroopers into the mix. A deleted Hoth scene showed an unusually clever move by C3PO. He removes a warning label from their cell in a cut scene.)


Sadly, The Empire Strikes Back is the last time we see anything close to creative problem solving from Darth Vader. Thanks to retired blog Infinite Galaxy Of Fun and Blueharvest.net for the Wampa attaack info.

Next: Those who do not learn from the mistakes of the first film, are doomed to repeat them... in sequel after sequel.

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Intercept: Death Star TV Listings - Blue Channel

Welcome to the rebellion. A plucky, laser-burned droid has supplied us with inside information on the Empire's cable, holo-movie schedule for this weekend. Enjoy.

BLUE CHANNEL
Your Propaganda and
Indoctrination Destination

Friday

5:00pm Lethal Wattoo

6:30pm Space Slickers II

8:00pm Lost In Translation Protocol & Droid’s Data Matrix

9:30pm Sex, Lies And Holograms

11:00pm Under The Tusken Sun

Saturday

12:30am Imperial Graffiti

2:00am Fear And Loathing in Mos Eisley

3:30am The Fleet And The Furious

5:00am Natural Born Sith Lords

7:00am Gone With The Windu

9:40pm Even Corellians Get The Blues

11:00am A Few Good Clones

12:30pm The Exorsith

2:00pm The Hunt For Red Leader

4:00pm Free Watto

5:45pm Beyond The Rim

7:15pm Skiffspotting

9:00pm Kill Boba Vol. 1

11:00pm The Alderaan Job

Sunday

12:30am Starship Stormtroopers

2:30am A History Of Rebellion

4:00am Children Of a Lesser Force

5:30am Being Han Solo

7:00am Jedi Jane

8:30am The Asteroid Of Dr. Moreau

10:00am Rebel Smackdown!:
Live From the former Alderaan System!

12:00pm Pirates Of Kamino

1:30pm The Mask Of Zuckuss

3:00pm An Officer And A Geonosian

4:30pm Stormtrooper And The Bandit

6:00pm Star Trek: Recycled

7:30pm The Last Temptation Of Anakin

9:00pm The Usual Rebels

10:30pm Reservoir Droids

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Harsh Universe

Welcome to the rebellion. With Spike TV in the US becoming the 24 hour Star Wars channel lately, I've had the extended opportunity to have the revised, revamped and recycled trilogy prequel and the original three movies playing as I sat with my mucho delayed tax calculations.

With the dialogue failing to hold my attention and the actors so awestruck by being in a Star Wars movie they fail to bring personality to their roles (too much reverence and not enough irreverence), I had a chance to pay closer attention to the background scenery and design. Man, the designers really are the big stars on display.

One smart thing George Lucas did from the very start was to treat most of the technology like it's always existed. A movie set in L.A. wouldn't spend any time setting up what a phone is or how it works, they'd just use the dang thing and anyone who had never seen a phone would figure it out. "Oh, that thingie allows these two people to communicate."

But the more I watch the films the more I realize how technology doesn't make the lives of the people in his universe any better. It seems to take all the technology they can muster to hold a their savage natural world at bay.

The icy cold of Hoth is barely survivable. In fact, technology fails Luke completely in The Empire Strikes Back. Han must use his wits and survival skills to create a warm sleeping bag out of a fallen tauntaun.

Degobah plays havoc with Luke's X-Wing, the wild waters of Kamino are a deadly danger Obi-Wan must avoid at all costs, the burning volcanic sands of Mustafar claimed Anakin Skywalker's humanity (with the help of a little light saber chop chop, courtesy of his mentor, Obi Wan). And the seat of the Old Republic's Galactic Senate, Corsucant has conquered and obliterated any hint of nature and become an endless, crowded urban jungle.

But is life there better because of it? It doesn't seem so. Flying cars fill the skies, sin dens line the streets. It is as inhospitable as Geonosis has become, with its craggy craters and the run from it's droid factory. Perhaps only the serene and cheery Dexter Jexter of Coco Town's Dex's Diner finds this city planet preferable when compared to the inhospitable environments he has seen.

The only planets where there is any kind of harmony with the natural world are those whose technology hasn't encroached. Planets where the natural is respected and treated with reverence (now that's the place for reveerence). The Wookies and Ewoks live in harmony with their world as do the inhabitants of Naboo. Not coincidentally, the beings of these worlds seem to be the most peaceful and balanced creatures we see in the trilogies.

Are the designers sending a not so subtle message about rampant technology? Unfettered, technology provides few answers and often creates more problems; pollution, waste and destruction of natural environments being only the most obvious ones. Is this a quiet plea for a more measured and peaceful use of science? Perhaps.

More likely such decisions stemmed from creating as dramatic a backdrop to the main action as possible. Seeing hints of the natural and scientific worlds wrestling for domination adds to the compelling, human drama in the foreground. And when the human drama is played out with wooden dialogue, awkward, inconsistent character arcs and perfunctory direction, I'll take my drama anywhere I can find it.

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Intercept: Star Wars Soap Sudz

Welcome to the rebellion. We have intercepted advance notice of this week's space opera plot lines.

(*Spoiler Alert!)

ALL MY TROOPERS – Trooper 551 covers up Trooper 613’s murderous rampage but his laser burns are too accurate to have been left by a Tusken Raider. Sy Snootle’s severed hand forces him to leave the Cantina Band for good.

AS THE DEATH STAR TURNS – Sasha is shocked to learn armaments droid Z48 plans to use the Super-Laser to blast out a new lake for Lance’s Naboo resort.

THE BOLD AND THE BOUNTY HUNTERS – Commander Tagge fumes over Azul’s “friendly” visit to pleasure droid T-Ashley3000. Jamal finds a holo-clipping which reveals the real story of Biggs ‘miraculous’ survival skills.

CORELLIAN STREET – The force is strong with Tiffany but when Bale refuses to fall for her Jedi mind tricks, she uses her metal bikini to tempt him toward the dark side.

GENERAL HOSPITAL FRIGATE – Leia learns Luke’s new hand has no fingerprints. Scorpio finds himself in over his head in the trash compactor. Lando’s new love song lands him in hot water with Vader.

GUIDING FORCE – Ridge stuns Brooke with his plan to oust Vader and turn Kaminoan’s Secret into Empire Lingerie, but has Lando heard too much?

ONE LIFE TO CLONE – Miranda’s water breaks while she’s trapped in Jabba’s pit. Bib contemplates what to do with Oola’s incriminating holo-disc.

PARSECS OF OUR LIVES – A mysterious figure skulks around Bo and Yoda’s semi-detached hut. Evil developer Stefan plots to terraform Degobah.

PORT COMET – Chewie confesses his love for Shmi. Blake is gunned down in Wattoo’s shop and replaced in the pod race by his evil clone.

THE YOUNG AND REBELLIOUS – Ami Dala begs Ken Orbie not to tell anyone she’s pregnant. On a romantic Bespin weekend, 3PO and R2 consummate their relationship in a heart-shaped oil bath.

ENTOUR-BARRAGE - When manager Evar Orbus is killed, Max Rebo must take the reins to keep the band together. Droopy McCool is determined to make a killing selling Oola's secret Jabba sex tape but no one in the universe wants to see that.

UGLY BINKS - Jar Jar loses the layouts of Vader's latest fashion spread and must create a new holo-shoot from scratch. Hmmm, meesa know a very hot former Queen who might show off the leather bustier she wear to impress Jedi she babysit.

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Rock The Rebellion!

Welcome to the rebellion. Are you ready to ROCK? Death Star Repairmen has been immortalized in rock and roll history! Rockabilly fan band Death Star Repairmen has released a CD of Star Wars inspired, rhythmic rock and roll to showcase their brief but storied history. According to bandleader Captain Zorikh, the self-proclaimed Time-Traveling Bard and Three Chord Monte...

"The Death Star Repairmen are a small group of dedicated servicemen who, after a lengthy tour of the Imperium's greatest space station repairing the controls that extend the bridge, finding out what shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level, and filling in all the blast points in the corridors, like to relax with a few drinks and some good music.

They play an entertaining selection of songs including "Stormtrooper Blues," "Come on, Little Jedi," "The Nerfherder Song," "Red Five," and "Flying Saucers Rock & Roll." Occasionally they extend into ballads of other famous creatures with fuzzy, wooly toes. A good time is guaranteed for all who join them in their post-work revelry.

For a CD of the Death Star Repairmen (and other works by Captain Zorikh) go to The Watch This Space Catalogue.

To hear sample tracks by Captain Zorikh and the Death Star Repairmen, go to The Death Star Repairmen MySpace page.

Whew! Capt. Zorikh is a one-man entertainment empire with a documentary about a grand battle staged by his chapter of the Society for Creative Anachronism, his own series of mini-comics, several music CD's based on his comic strip Ironfowl, a solo CD and most importantly, The Death Star Repairmen's debut album "A Night In Mos Eisley"! Best of all (and proving what a honourable Jedi the good Captain is), Zorikh acknowledges the band took its name from Darryl Gold's fan opus and has posted a huge thank you and link to the DSR website on his own site!

The name of this musical combo was inspired by the brilliant and funny short film "Death Star Repairmen" by Darryl Gold. Visit his website by clicking on the banner below:

(Aside from this inspiration, this combo has no official ties with this video or the makers of it, though we wish we did, 'cause it's a really funny piece of filmmaking! It's an excellent website too! And I'm not just trying to suck up to the Mr. Gold because I hope he doesn't sue us for using the name, it's really good. No, I mean it...)

And even better, the good Zorikh's mama raised him right. He e-mailed Commander Gold for permission to use the name. We foolishly thought the band was a one-off! Congrats on building a following and this summer's convention tour, guy.

Shazam! He's also a Captain Marvel scholar. And I wasted time in university on psychology and theatre history for non-majors.

Rebel Alert salutes you Captain. Welcome to the rebellion!

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